
Christmas is just around the corner and if you’re anything like me, you’re probably looking forward to Christmas Dinner with your family and anticipating the time-honored tradition of competing to be the center of attention.
Everyone will arrive with a gimmick–good news to share, a funny story, or an expertly-prepared dish–and you know you’ve got to up your game. Last year you failed to impress with the centerpiece you created from directions found on Martha Stewart’s website. Everyone complimented the centerpiece, but you didn’t feel the enthusiasm of the compliments reflected the ten hours you spent creating it. This is because you equated effort with value, but your family saw it differently as evidenced in the chart below: Effort-Reward Ratio of Christmas Dinner Attention-Getters.
You put in ten hours of work and the enthusiasm of the compliments reached a level of 4 out of 5. Scientists have discovered you’re unlikely to feel any satisfaction in impressing others if your results fall anywhere under that red line rising from left to right.
Your frustration only grew when your five-year-old nephew displayed a picture he colored during the hour before dinner and received even more enthusiastic compliments than you did:
Your indignity only grew when Uncle Sherman achieved a level 5 when he announced he’d given up drinking:
Were you the only one who realized giving up drinking requires no time at all? How long does it take to not drink?
The final insult came when your sister-in-law revealed she was pregnant, a feat that couldn’t have required more than 3 to 16 minutes:
I know what you’re thinking when you see this chart, but it’s too late to get pregnant before Christmas.
But it’s not too late to pretend to get pregnant before Christmas.
bigsheepcommunications
December 16, 2011
How about if I just pretend to go to the family Christmas dinner instead?
The Good Greatsby
December 17, 2011
They’ll actually be much more likely to talk about you if you don’t come.
bigsheepcommunications
December 17, 2011
Well, that’s the goal, right? I win in so many ways by not going. Thanks, Paul!
Laura
December 16, 2011
Shouldn’t pregnancy be more impressive than sobriety? Most women stop drinking during pregnancy — so not only are they not drinking, they’re not-drinking for two.
Girly
December 16, 2011
3 to 16 minutes? Poor Mrs. Johnson.
The Good Greatsby
December 17, 2011
She’s very understanding of how much time this blog requires.
Angie Z.
December 19, 2011
Oh, ouch! Nice one.
Snoring Dog Studio
December 16, 2011
I love infographics! Yay! One more variable to try, GG – combine every one of those. You’ll be off the chart!
thoughtsappear
December 16, 2011
You’re best friends from Barney from How I Met Your Mother, aren’t you? This looks similar to the Crazy/Hot scale. I bet you taught him everything he knows.
Todd Pack
December 16, 2011
The crazy/hot scale is true.
becomingcliche
December 16, 2011
I am going to do a variety of things to really up the ante this Christmas. I will create a quick rendering of possible herd of elephants, give up drinking, and try to get knocked up. I am a big believer in hedging my bets, you know. I don’t think I’ll attempt the center-piece. Not a big enough payoff.
The Good Greatsby
December 17, 2011
I can tell you’ve really got the Christmas spirit.
Todd Pack
December 16, 2011
The lesson here is that Martha Stewart isn’t worth the trouble. Digging a little deeper, I think the numbers support my argument that Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners are incredibly overrated and that people would be a lot happier with something more social, like pizza or tapas.
The Good Greatsby
December 17, 2011
All the work that goes into these dinners compared with the level of compliments received only supports the effort-reward ratio.
susielindau
December 16, 2011
I just chopped off all my hair in time for all the Christmas festivities which according to your charts is bound to piss someone off!
Funny post!
thelifeofjamie
December 16, 2011
that was an awful lot of effort for a blog post! Flow charts and graphs…nice touch. I guess that’s why they call you the Good Greatby!
The Good Greatsby
December 17, 2011
i considered being the Average Greatsby but it was harder to spell.
Bearman
December 16, 2011
How about one of the men actually clearing a plate off the table. People always woo over me when I take my dish in the kitchen.
musingsoftheamusingmuse
December 16, 2011
Dang! I’ve already given up trying to impress people at Christmas YEARS ago… but I let the pregnancy rumors continue to circulate even though I keep getting smaller. It amuses me.
pegoleg
December 16, 2011
Right after Uncle Sherman announces his new sobriety, I plan to rush up behind him, announce “Uncle Sherman is choking!” and start administering the Heimlich maneuver. In all the hubbub of congratulations and pressing drinks into my hand afterwards, nobody will notice his feeble whispers that he wasn’t choking.
I’d like to see anybody at that party top saving someone’s life!
writerwoman61
December 16, 2011
I can’t top Peggy’s comment…hats off to the hero!
Wendy
The Good Greatsby
December 17, 2011
Uncle Sherman is totally the type to be embarrassed that somebody saved his life and pretend he hadn’t been choking.
Kathryn McCullough
December 17, 2011
Good God, how do you come up with this stuff? If I only had a fraction of your creativity————
missfitz63
December 17, 2011
Hmmmm…I’m thinking I should get pregnant WHILE at the Christmas gathering and then make my announcement during dinner. That should get an enthusiastic round of compliments!
The Good Greatsby
December 17, 2011
I have to agree that would make a memorable holiday.
A Broad at Home
December 17, 2011
I think you should lead your Christmas discussion with more talk of Zooey Deschanel. Not only is she splitting up with her husband (although gloating over someone’s misery is a questionable tactic) but now she is nominated for a Golden Globe. I smell an acceptance speech honoring you in the near future!
worrywarts-guide-to-weight-sex-and-marriage
December 17, 2011
I’m going to bring this chart and tell everybody I made it.
gojulesgo
December 17, 2011
What if I pretended to be pregnant, but not sober (okay, the not sober part wouldn’t require any pretending)?
The Good Greatsby
December 17, 2011
That’s one of the disadvantages of pretending to be pregnant–everyone will give you a hard time when you try to celebrate the good news with a champagne toast.
Dana
December 17, 2011
Pretending to be pregnant would certainly garner me lots of compliments at Christmas dinner, but I would have to endure a heavy line of questions from my dear, never-wanted-to-have-children husband afterwards… “The Good Greatsby made me do it!” That will go over really well, I’m sure. 🙂
The Good Greatsby
December 17, 2011
I said you’d get attention–I didn’t necessarily say it would be good attention.
Seeing Clarely
December 17, 2011
Fabulous. I’m an engineer and can totally get this. Thank you!
pattisj
December 17, 2011
There’s dinner on Christmas? Guess I was too busy opening gifts to notice where everyone went.
meladjusted
December 17, 2011
Thank you – you’ve just given me an ‘out’ on having to make 30 Crafty Christmas Hats for the Tribal Meeting in the Desert this year! I’m now convinced they’ll be upstaged and if they’re not I’m going to try the fake pregnancy as a distraction – this will include lots of lying down with a cold compress on my forehead. Good laughs were had while reading this post – thanks again.
meladjusted
December 17, 2011
I’ve just used this Post as a springboard for my own meanderings – I tried to give you credit, but I don’t know how to work the link thingies (it’s just copy and paste eh?) Put your fleet of lawyers on me if there’s an issue 😛
thesinglecell
December 18, 2011
Not too late to get pregnant before Christmas, but definitely too late to get pregnant, know about it, and disappoint my parents. That will have to wait until somewhere around Presidents’ Day.
Paige Kellerman
December 18, 2011
I’m hoping to find out if I’m pregnant, within the next week, box up the test, and give it to Husband. I don’t have any back-up gifts, so this better work….
Life in the Boomer Lane
December 19, 2011
Make your own salt.
Angie Z.
December 19, 2011
I’ve found getting drunk at theses sorts of things attracts a lot more attention than an empty pledge of sobriety. I don’t know what my sponsor would say to that but I’m sure he’d agree that the Martha Stewart centerpiece would drive me to drink anyway.
spilledinkguy
December 19, 2011
I tried the pregnancy thing one too many times already, I guess.
No one seems to believe I even cold be anymore. Ever.
🙂