Perhaps you’ve heard about the managing director vacancy at the International Monetary Fund after Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s resignation. Strauss-Kahn was forced to resign after accusations of sexual misconduct, and since that time Christine Lagarde of France has emerged as the top candidate to follow in his footsteps and win the $500,000 a year job–but not necessarily follow in his footsteps in regard to sexual misconduct.
I formally announce my candidacy for the position of managing director. I write “formally” announce because that’s what people say, but I realize a blog post may qualify more as an informal announcement. Is there paperwork I should be filling out? I went to the http://www.imf.org website and searched the job listings but didn’t see any posting about managing director, even though I know the job is still open.
Dominque Strauss-Kahn
Strengths:
I would make an excellent managing director because I am very good with money. Whenever I buy groceries I almost always have exact change. I’m also good at dividing up a restaurant bill in my head and calculating the 15% gratuity without the help of a calculator. When the King of Zaire asks to borrow 1 billion dollars, and his interest rate is 15%, I could quickly calculate the payments in my head without needing a calculator. This will be incredibly impressive to the King of Zaire and will convince him the IMF is a credible organization, and he will refer all his friends.
I had a paper route when I was a kid and was always able to get up very early in the morning. If I say I’ll arrive at the IMF by 9:00AM, that’s exactly when I’ll arrive. Of course this is only a hypothetical situation in which you get me to say I’ll arrive at 9:00AM. I’m much more likely to say 11:30AM if given the option. I’ll always get there by 11:30AM, and you don’t have to worry about me showing up at noon every day and giving you excuses about a broken alarm or driving my mom to the doctor.
I’m very good with trivia and know all sorts of stuff about the world. If the King of Zaire introduces himself, right away I would be able to say, “Oh, Zaire, that’s in Africa, right?” The King of Zaire will be impressed that the IMF has a managing director who can find Africa on a map, and he will refer all of his friends.
Weaknesses:
I will not lend money to Spain. I’ve known a lot of Spaniards and they are always going to a party or coming back from a party or talking about a past party or talking about a future party or talking about the possibility of a future party or asking to be introduced to your friend who they heard is having a party. I just don’t see when they’ll have time to pay our money back with all that partying.
I will not tolerate anyone telling me Zaire is no longer a country, and I will not tolerate the King of Zaire/Congo telling me he is actually a president and not a King. That’s the kind of attitude that talks you right out of a loan, King of Zaire.
I would prefer not to lend any money to Scotland or Quebec if they ever leave their respective countries. I don’t want the UK and Canada giving me dirty looks and accusing me of taking sides.
Ideas:
One of my first acts as managing director would be to only lend 1 billion dollars at a time and always at an interest of 15% to make calculating the interest in my head much easier. This 15% includes all interest, balance, and a small gratuity for myself.
If the King of Zaire does not pay back our money, I don’t think we should break his legs because how is he going to earn enough money to pay us back if he can’t walk to his job, right? I’m the only candidate who has vowed not to break anyone’s legs. Why won’t the other candidates take a strong anti-leg-breaking stance?
Salary Requirements:
I would like my $500,000 a year to be paid in pirate gold.
I want a letterman’s jacket with the letters IMF over the chest and Managing Director on the back.
Wouldn't this look great on a letterman's jacket?
I want to present IMF loans with one of those giant novelty checks.
I sent an email to jobs@imf.org but did not receive a response. Please contact the IMF and let them know you support my candidacy, especially if you are someone important.
The Good Greatsby 
blackwatertown
June 13, 2011
It has become a rush.
One of my mates put his application up on facebook the other.
He has a single barreled name – so cheaper on office stationery than Strauss-Kahn. And promises not to rape chamber maids. Or interfere with any women at all. (He’s gay.)
He does like hugging though, so has promised to tone that down if he gets the job.
The Good Greatsby
June 13, 2011
Before you give your support to your mate, ask if he is willing to take a stand against leg-breaking.
ryoko861
June 13, 2011
Can I be your secretary?
I have mad administrative skills!
I won’t come in hungover from being in Spain during the weekend.
I’ve been there, done that with kids, so I’ll never be on maternity leave.
My nails are never long, so manicures won’t interfere with typing or my excellent computer skills.
I only have 4 friends. Chatting on the phone will be non existent.
I can take 1/2 hour lunch because an hour is too long. At my age shopping is a bore.
For all that secretarial awesomeness, I’d like to start at $50K a year. With bennies.
I’ll even make you coffee, as long as you have a Keurig on hand.
The Good Greatsby
June 13, 2011
You can be in charge of turning away people from Spain.
ryoko861
June 15, 2011
Fine. At $50K a year. That’s my final offer.
Billie Jo Woods
June 13, 2011
Perhaps instead of a letterman’s jacket you should have IMF and managing director added to your smoking jacket. Just a thought.
The Good Greatsby
June 13, 2011
I like the effect. That smoking jacket would help me bring a lot of class to the IMF.
educlaytion
June 13, 2011
Cracking me up again! Happy Monday to you. I’ll use this post when I teach the IMF on Wednesday. Your research and accuracy are unparalleled.
The Good Greatsby
June 13, 2011
Don’t let any students tell you Zaire isn’t a country and doesn’t have a king–that’s for the teacher to decide.
Speeder
June 13, 2011
I will support your candicacy if you promise to get my money back from those people in Africa that I was trying to help by passing their money through my bank account. I have tried to help maybe ten times over the years as I reply to emails asking for provide aid to simple children of ex-generals and government ministers. I want to do my best for developing countries, but I am getting a little sour over suspicious activity as I check my bank balance. I think I may be getting scammed.
nursemyra
June 13, 2011
Speeder, It’s not the Africans who are scamming you, it’s the party-loving Spaniards. They re-route all their banking through Zaire as the Africans give them a great deal on cutprice bullfighting capes. this is a little known fact that GG should also mention on his job application to the IMF.
The Good Greatsby
June 13, 2011
I would love to help you out. I have $3 million set aside in an account that I plan to use to fight these kinds of scams, but I need $5,000 to pay the wire fee to get this money released. If you can loan me the $5,000, I’d be happy to share 10% with you once the money is released.
cooper
June 13, 2011
maybe you need to include a head shot with your submission. as far as i’m concerned you can have the gig but you’ll have to supply your own giant novelty checks. Also, on your list of countries not to lend money to, please include Norway.
The Good Greatsby
June 13, 2011
I actually have some Norwegian friends and have nothing against them personally, but I guess I could try resenting them for their height. They’re all crazy tall, and I’m sick of it.
cooper
June 13, 2011
the whole blonde hair blue-eyed thing always has me on edge
k8edid
June 13, 2011
You’re hired. Also, don’t lend any money to the Swiss. They are neutral. They are nice to everybody. My mom always said it didn’t cost anything to be nice, so they don’t need any dollars.
You need a press secretary….I’m available and have written speeches and press releases for a politician that drove an antique pick up truck with a recliner in the back and wore bib overalls. How much harder could IMF be?
The Good Greatsby
June 13, 2011
How did you know I planned to run on a platform of recliners and bib overalls for every poor country?
k8edid
June 13, 2011
Some call it psychic, some call it psychotic…..
Tori Nelson
June 13, 2011
If I can’t use a calculator and digital watch at all times I’m out. Numbers are hard.
The Good Greatsby
June 13, 2011
That’s why I want to lend the exact same amount of money and with the same terms every time. I’d pretend I was calculating the figures in my head, but I’d really have all the numbers memorized.
misswhiplash
June 13, 2011
I am a dab hand at writing out good references…..I did a super one for Ronnie Biggs( he of the Great Train Robbery) when he applied to work for British Rail. I could do one for you if you like…
love P
The Good Greatsby
June 13, 2011
I’ll be thrilled to have your reference, and I might also mention Ronnie Biggs is a friend of a friend in the hopes that will get me somewhere.
Renee Davies
June 13, 2011
The no-leg-breaking policy would make you quite a novelty, a breath of fresh air in the industry. That could be a shoo-in for you, maybe.
The Good Greatsby
June 13, 2011
It’s hard to give up the one perk that first attracted me to the job opening, but I’m willing to sacrifice to get that $500,000 a year.
BigLittleWolf
June 13, 2011
But how are you with women?
nancyfrancis
June 13, 2011
I’d maybe leave out the weaknesses part of your application, then you’re definitely in the running!
The Good Greatsby
June 13, 2011
But somebody has to take a stand against Spain.
Meet the Buttrams
June 13, 2011
This is when you throw a party for announcing your candidacy. Smoking jackets required attire.
I also think you should invest in a green smoking jacket, because green is the color of money, and they say you should always dress for the job you want, not the job you have.
The Good Greatsby
June 13, 2011
Great advice. I plan to acquire jackets in a broad range of colors so I’ll be able to dress for every single job I could possibly ever want.
savesprinkles1234
June 13, 2011
I would absolutely hire anyone who asked me to pay them in pirate’s gold.
The Good Greatsby
June 13, 2011
Do you happen to have any pirate gold? None of the places I shop seem to have any.
Bearman
June 13, 2011
I’ll step up for half the pay.
The Good Greatsby
June 13, 2011
Are you prepared to be paid in pirate gold?
Bearman
June 15, 2011
Maybe in Booty.
thelifeofjamie
June 13, 2011
My father’s sister’s husband’s uncle’s best friend’s wife works as a cleaning lady at IMF. I will have her “accidentally” drop your resume on the desk of HR.
The Good Greatsby
June 13, 2011
I’ll make sure and return the favor by letting your country borrow money at favorable terms.
madtante
June 13, 2011
I like the idea of all the fanfare associated with presenting checks à la Lotto.
This reminds me of when St. Mark was on unemployment during the Reagan Regime. You had to prove that you’d been actively seeking employment (recall this is far before anybody but a few scientists had access to the world wide web), so he applied to be CFO to Anheuser-Busch, etc. Oh, the hilarity.
The Good Greatsby
June 14, 2011
Even if I don’t get the job, I hope they’ll feel sorry for me and offer me assistant managing director for $400,000 a year.
Todd Pack
June 13, 2011
A few times, I’ve been hired to replace someone who didn’t work out. It’s great, because you look pretty good in comparison (assuming you don’t do the things the last guy did). I’m thinking IMF managing director would be one of those positions.
1st Board Member: “I’m not sure this Greatsby guy is working out. I mean, he lacks basic math skills.”
2nd Board Member: “Yeah, but at least he hasn’t assaulted anyone.”
1st Board Member: “This is true….”
The Good Greatsby
June 14, 2011
I’ll bring up my record of zero assaults every time they ask me if I even know what an IMF managing director is supposed to do.
gojulesgo
June 13, 2011
Breaking legs and partying with Spaniards seems like a small price to pay if there are giant novelty checks involved.
The Good Greatsby
June 14, 2011
I had a feeling the novelty checks would help seal the deal.
pegoleg
June 13, 2011
Part of the interview process will be the background check. You know – they interview your family, friends, neighbors and grade school teachers to see if you might be a security risk. Any problems there?
The Good Greatsby
June 14, 2011
I don’t seem to get as excited about pancakes as everyone else. I worry my opponents may call my indifference to pancakes suspicious.
Byron MacLymont
June 13, 2011
The Good Greatsby would like you to believe he’s the best candidate for IMF director. But what’s he not telling us?
*Grainy, unflattering photo*
*Disturbing synthesizer chord that kind of goes “bwWOWWwww”*
Why won’t Greatsby explain why he didn’t serve his country in WWI, II, Korea OR Vietnam?
Why won’t Greatsby account for every dollar he’s ever spent? Where did the money go?
Do we really want an IMF director who brazenly mocks a nation with such a powerful armada of Galleons?
And why can’t Greatsby prove that he didn’t personally fake the moon landing?
*second grainy, unflattering photo of Good Greatsby looking confused and/or paranoid*
Greatsby as IMF director? It just doesn’t add up.
Paid for by Decent, Upstanding Citizens For Truth Regarding IMF Directors.
The Good Greatsby
June 14, 2011
Why does Spain need a loan if they can waste so much money on Galleons they’ve barely used in hundreds of years?
thebabelblog
June 13, 2011
As a Spaniard, I think we should at least get money for the holidays, like the running of the bulls and Tomatina!
The Good Greatsby
June 14, 2011
Is the IMF’s loan going towards purchasing tomatoes that the Spanish plan to throw at each other? I kind of feel the loan money should go to a country who will actually eat those tomatoes.
justjotter
June 14, 2011
You get my vote on your non-leg-breaking stance alone. I’m not surprised that you were the only one to figure that out. Clever fellow.
The Good Greatsby
June 14, 2011
How can the king pay us back if his legs are broken? It just never made sense to me.
paigekellerman
June 14, 2011
You don’t have my vote. As soon as you mentioned giant novelty checks, I realized you’re associated with Publisher’s Clearing House, a group of liars bigger than the checks they write. Keep your giant check, sir. Just keep it..
The Good Greatsby
June 14, 2011
But your country may already be a winner…
jacquelincangro
June 14, 2011
I think you should be brushing up on your interview skills, just in case.
So think about your answer to: if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
That’s just the kind of hard-hitting interview question you’re likely to get.
The Good Greatsby
June 14, 2011
I’d be a money tree. Is that what they’re looking to hear?
lifeintheboomerlane
June 14, 2011
Do you have a problem with lending a very new country, let’s say the Republic of Me, a vast amount of money at 15% interest to be paid back in 30 years? And would you give me, say, $25,000 now to show good faith? If so, I will put in a good word with a friend of mine who retired from the IMF several years ago but still goes to lunch every week with other retired IMFers. And she likes cheeseburgers.
The Good Greatsby
June 14, 2011
I agree to your terms, but I insist on at least two good words.
gmom
June 14, 2011
You would make a great IMF director. But first you need to measure up to all the greats. Get Busy man! Times a’wastin’!
Father up a couple of illegitimate children with your illegal househelp.
Get your interns on their knees during business hours.
Photograph your pee-pee and send it out to anyone on Facebook who is your friend that you don’t know.
There that should get you started.
Gold dubloons, aye matey, thars the the only currency worth it’s salt.
The Good Greatsby
June 14, 2011
The only way I plan to abuse my power is to stand at the office vending machine and when lower employees pass I will ask if they can spot me a dollar for candy, but I’ll never pay it back and nobody will ever be petty enough to ask the boss to give back a dollar.
spilledinkguy
June 14, 2011
I hope you attached a photo of yourself wearing a giant diamond studded dollar sign necklace…
it seems like a little bling could go a long way towards securing the position…
🙂
The Good Greatsby
June 14, 2011
Not to mention winning the respect of all those poor countries.
Hi, I'm Natalie.
June 14, 2011
Instead of a Letterman’s jacket, you should ask for a superhero suit. Like Catwoman’s. Because that would be awesome.
The Good Greatsby
June 14, 2011
Superhero suit–maybe. Catwoman’s superhero suit–probably not.
Beckers
June 14, 2011
You really have covered every detail, right down to researching who to avoid lending money to! I don’t think you have to worry about not getting Canadian support if you don’t lend money to Quebec if they separate! No other province likes them… not even the territories!!!
The Good Greatsby
June 15, 2011
I suspected as much. What does Quebec have that makes them think they’re too good for the rest of Canada?
writerwoman61
June 19, 2011
French people! I have good friends who are French, and don’t insist on speaking “all French, all the time.” The difference is that they live here in New Brunswick, the only officially bilingual province in Canada.
All signs in Quebec must be in French…if you want another language on there, it has to be in smaller lettering. All the highway signs are in French only…unilingual anglophones have a lot of fun driving there! NOT! All children must attend French schools, unless they (or one of their parents or siblings) went to English elementary schools elsewhere in Canada (this has to be backed up with transcripts).
I think Monsieur Strauss-Kahn has been doomed from birth…his parents seem to have given him a girl’s name!
Wendy
Piper Bayard
June 15, 2011
I love your platform. You have my vote as soon as they give me one.
The Good Greatsby
June 16, 2011
They haven’t given you one? I assumed we all got to vote. If that’s not the case my candidacy is looking shakier.