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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Browsing All Posts published on »April, 2011«
How to Outflank a Firing: Tips for Preventing Your Impending Dismissal
Any minute now you’re going to be fired. You always assumed you were invisible, but somehow your shoddy work, three hour lunches, and questionable Internet surfing have been noticed. Or maybe the company has been laying people off, and you’ll have a hard time defending the necessity of your job because you yourself are unsure […]
Girly of The Daily Hello Wins Caption Contest; Easily Impressed People Take to Streets in Celebration
April 17, 2011
Congratulations to this week’s caption contest winner Girly at thedailyhello. If you love Girly’s captions, you may also love her 1986 disco hit Rollercoaster. Rollercoaster is also a fitting title to describe the incredible range of emotions Girly will experience this week as she revels in the highs of her caption contest success before plummeting […]
A Big Bah, Humbug to the Tiny Birthday Tyrant
April 16, 2011
Is it just me, or is something fundamentally wrong with children’s birthday parties as an institution? How can an event meant to celebrate the life and birth of a child, result in the parents’ gin-soaked resolution not to have any more children? Twenty years from now when America’s declining birthrate brings social security to a […]
The Backhanded Compliment Explained
April 15, 2011
You’re a great person. Your mom likes you. I like you. Everybody likes you. Or do they? Is it possible people are secretly insulting you, but you always miss it because you’re unfamiliar with the art of the backhanded compliment? The backhanded compliment is so effective because it starts with a positive first half that […]
Practical Jokes that Go too Far–Part 2
April 14, 2011
Many of you read Practical Jokes That Go Too Far-Part 1, and based on the comments it seems most readers agreed my friends have no sense of humor. I was the wronged party, surrounded by ungrateful friends who failed to appreciate all the hard work and planning that went into my pranks. Trust me, it […]
Wednesday in Three Acts: One Sentence Stories/Tweets You May Have Missed/Caption Contest Finalists
April 13, 2011
Act One: Three One Sentence Stories 1. Get a Room! “Get a room, you two!” I shouted at the couple making out in front of me as they stood at the hotel check-in desk, waiting for me to rent them a room. 2. Dance Like Nobody’s Watching “Yes, my pretty, continue to dance like nobody […]
A Letter of Apology to Those I May Have Alienated During My Brief Day of Fame
April 12, 2011
Other bloggers had warned me Freshly Pressed fame was a fickle mistress, but I refused to believe she could ever leave me. In the midst of my one day rock star status my wife warned me to temper my expectations for the day after Freshly Pressed, and I shouted back with words that seemed less […]
Your Beautiful Receptionist Half Your Age Fails in Her Attempts to Compliment Your New Hairstyle
April 11, 2011
Yes, ma’am, you may be growing older, but you don’t feel old, you don’t act old, and you’re still beautiful, and I’m sorry I called you ma’am just then. Or maybe you do feel old, act even older, and are perfectly aware the beauty ship sailed off into the sunset years ago. Your beautiful, perky […]
Laura Wins Caption Contest: Awarded Life of the Party Status for Coming Week
April 10, 2011
Congratulations to Laura at unlikelyexplanations.com for winning this weeks caption contest! Depending on how you look at it, all of you who submitted captions are winners. Although this would be an incorrect way to look at it because Laura is the real winner. What did Laura win? For one week Laura will be allowed to […]
In Case You Haven’t Heard, I’m a Big Huge Gigantic Success; I’m Finally Getting the Recognition I’ve Always Claimed I Deserve
April 8, 2011
It took some time to realize the ghosts running WordPress had selected me for Freshly Pressed because I had reserved the morning for polishing my medals, and there’s no computer in my trophy room. What a fun coincidence I would be sequestered in my awards room polishing my awards at the same time I won […]
Things I Carry in My Pocket for the Sole Purpose of Confusing the Police in the Event of My Untimely Death
April 7, 2011
I hope to live a long and multiple award-winning life, but in the event of my untimely death my last thoughts will be on the police officers rifling through my pockets as they investigate the crime. In addition to my wallet and house keys they will find: 1. An elaborate treasure map leading to the […]
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