When Someone You Don’t Love Says I Love You

Posted on May 27, 2011

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Iloveyouballoon

If you’re anything like me, people fall in love with you a lot.

At first it was flattering–like twenty years ago–but I’m a man with places to go, people to see, compliments to receive, and I can’t be distracted three times a day trying to think of a polite response to a profession of love.  “I don’t want to be rude, but I just met you and I’m not sure how to feel when you say ‘I love you’, and would you please either take my order or send another waitress over because I’m starving.”

How do you respond when someone says, “I love you,” but you’re not ready to say it back, maybe because you’ve only been on three dates, or maybe only one date, or maybe not even one date because he’s a parking garage attendant you’ve just met and he can’t find your car so the relationship is off to a rocky start?

Maybe you’ll never be in love with that person.  Or maybe you might be in love, but you need more time to sort out your feelings.  Or maybe you know you’re in love, but you don’t want to tell her until you’re certain the relationship has potential, and you won’t know the potential until you find out how much money her dad is worth.  Don’t wait until that awkward ‘I love you’ moment to try and think of a convincing response.  The longer you pause, the less convincing you’ll sound.  I would suggest selecting one reply in advance from the following three categories:

Not Quite Ready to Say it Back
Never Going to Say it Back
Excuse Me, Who are You Again?

Not Quite Ready to Say it Back

1.
“I love you.”
“Shhh!  Did you hear that?”
“What?”
“Shhh!”
“I don’t hear anyth–“
“Shhh!”
“But–“
“Shhh!”
(Opens mouth)
“Shhh!”
(Remains motionless)
“Shhh!”

2.
“I love you.”
“DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?  DID I TELL YOU I WENT SWIMMING TODAY AND HAVE SWIMMER’S EAR? I CAN’T HEAR ANYTHING!”

3.
“I love you.”
“Are you sure it’s love you’re feeling?  Maybe you’re just carsick.  Let me roll down the windows for you.”

Never Going to Say it Back

1.
“I love you.”
“Thanks.  I sure wish the scientists who created me had given me the ability to understand this human emotion, love.”

2.
“I love you.”
“So does my mom.  Did I mention you really remind me of her?  You two have so much in common, makes me wonder why she hates you.  But you’ll have plenty of time to win her over when she comes and lives with us.  Tomorrow.”

Not a good song. Or at least not a good song the second time you hear it.

3.
“I love you.”
“Uggh!  I can’t believe you like that song.”
“What?  What song?”
“Blue.  You just said, ‘I love Blue.’  You mean the Eiffel 65 song Blue, right?  That obnoxious Da Ba Dee song?  Oh, that’s terrible!”
“No, I didn’t say Blue.  I said I love–“
“We’re just too different!  You liking that song really makes me realize we should break up.”

Excuse Me, Who are You Again?

1.
“I love you.”
“I’m sorry, did you say something?  I couldn’t quite hear you over the voices whispering in my ear telling me to kill you.”

2.
“I love you”
“Oh, are we playing a rhyming game?  I love to brew.”
‘I wasn’t suggesting a rhyming game.”
“But let’s play one, all the same.”
“I’m trying to say something serious.”
“Why are you being so mysterious?”

3.
“I love you.”
“What’s that behind you?”
“Nothing.”
“Oh, sorry.  I guess I’m a little antsy ever since my stalker got out of prison.  This is the exact same place he killed my last two boyfriends.”

And if you absolutely must say you’re in love with me, please do me a favor and say it to me in front of my wife and mention she’s very lucky.

Posted in: Advice