Yesterday I fulfilled one of my lifelong dreams and threw my printer out the window.
Sensitive viewers may want to look away from the carnage.
All my life I’ve wanted to toss a printer out the window as a lesson and a warning to other printers: I will no longer put up with your blinking lights, paper jams, misaligned printing, and constant requests for new ink cartridges beginning only days after a new cartridge has been inserted! You have one job, printer! Printing! Do your job!
Starting with childhood during the era of continuous paper with the perforated edges that would skip holes and jam, printers have been asking for it. Every time a printer refused to print a report for school as I heard the bus coming, and every time I had to print a meeting presentation starting in ten minutes but the printer just blinked its stubborn light in response to my pleadings, I dreamed of sending that printer sailing through the air on a short journey to electronics hell.
Yesterday it all came to a head. I had been asked to perform two roles at a reading of original one act plays, and after finishing work I raced home to print both parts, a total of sixty pages, but the printer only blinked. I had to be there at 5:30 to rehearse before we started at 7:00, and I explained the urgency to my printer, but he just blinked his red error light and sent me messages about low ink or paper jams or my USB plug not being recognized. I told him I’d have to sit in front of 150 people with nothing to read, but he just blinked.
I tried talking sweet. I tried being nice. He just blinked. At 4:45 I told him he was asking for a short flight out the window. I shook it. I lifted it in the air and shouted, “I’m gonna do it! Don’t tempt me! You don’t think I have the guts? I’ll do it!”
Still he only blinked, and I wondered if the printer could understand me, so I typed the following message and pressed print:
“All my life I’ve dreamed of throwing a printer out the window, and if you haven’t printed by 5:00 that dream is going to come true. Bwwahhahhahhaahaaaaa!”
Finally the printer began humming and delivered the following message:
“Maybe if you’d started life with a more ambitious dream, today you would be wearing clean underwear.”
I answered:
“Straighten up and print right!”
But he printed it like this:
“Cool down papa, don’t you blow your top.”
I typed:
“I’m gonna take you down! Downtown to Chinatown!”
He answered:
“You know what else is going down? My ink levels. Inexplicably. Both tri-color and black even though you never print in color. While you’re in Chinatown, better pick up three more cartridges, shouldn’t cost you more than $250.”
I pounded out the following message and furiously clicked the print button:
“Mess with the bull and you get the horns!”
He printed back:
“Mess with the inker, get the blinker.”
At 5:00, the absolute latest time I could leave and arrive by 5:30, I started saying things like, “Oh, no, you didn’t. Aww, snap! Oh, no, you didn’t.”
I got it to print out one script (poorly), but he wouldn’t even sniff at the second. At 5:30 I called a friend who was also reading the second play, and since we weren’t on at the same time she said she would hand off her script.
That’s when the printer’s attitude changed:
“Hey, buddy! What’s up? What are your plans for the summer? We should totally do something.”
I grabbed the printer, opened the third story window, ignored my wife as she asked, “What are you doing with the printer?” and threw him against the tile patio below, shouting, “I’ll see you in hell!” As he hurtled towards the ground, the red error light blinked once, then turned to green. “Too late,” I called out as the printer exploded across the ground.
It was wonderful.
As soon as I get another printer I’m going to use it to print the following pictures as a warning.
I kept all the pieces in case I want to reassemble and destroy again later.
A4 vs. A5 is the least of your worries now.
Don’t mess with me printers. I’ve got ink on my hands. Tell your friends.
Printers have been asking for it, right?
The Good Greatsby 
savesprinkles1234
May 14, 2011
That must have been so satisfying. I have long wanted to do the exact same thing. Except I live in a one story house, and my lawn is fairly thick and bouncy. I doubt I would have the same explosive results.
The Good Greatsby
May 14, 2011
The lawn might give you the chance to throw the printer more than once.
dearlifeitson
May 19, 2011
I am in the same boat, except with the toaster that spits crumbs everywhere and only toasts on one side. My second floor isn’t high enough to do any real damage, so I plan to run it over with the car. Several times. And then possibly set it on fire.
Cheryl
May 14, 2011
If my (very) old HP Laserjet ever goes bad, I’ll throw myself out the window!
The Good Greatsby
May 14, 2011
How old is your HP? I didn’t think there was any such thing as an old printer because they seem to discontinue the replacement ink cartridges after only two years, forcing you to buy a new printer.
omawarisan
May 14, 2011
Sometimes, violence is a solution.
The Good Greatsby
May 14, 2011
In this case it certainly made me feel better.
carldagostino
May 14, 2011
I am sending fewer emails and typing shorter messages to save ink. Elmntng vwls n wrds hlps sv nk 2
The Good Greatsby
May 14, 2011
I wish ink had been the only problem, but that printer had compiled a long list of frustrations.
Annie
May 14, 2011
That printer had it coming! My printer back talks but all I ever do is spank it. It is not afraid. You gave me the guts to get a crowbar for next time.
The Good Greatsby
May 14, 2011
If you take it out crowbar style, make sure and send me a picture.
azzahawk
May 14, 2011
Oh, No, You didn’t?!
The Good Greatsby
May 14, 2011
Oh, yes, I did. And I’ll do it again if I have to.
Brown Road Chronicles
May 14, 2011
Nice! I wanted to throw my lawn mower out the window yesterday. Unfortunately it weighs like 400 lbs and it was already outside.
The Good Greatsby
May 14, 2011
Do you have a larger mower you could use to run over the smaller mower?
Renee Davies
May 15, 2011
Haha..that’s so weird.
misswhiplash
May 14, 2011
I can understand your frustration, But I am pleased that you opened the window first!
your description sounds just like my printer. I think that it is in cahoots with the laptop , between them they drive me nuts!
Good for you Paul, stand up for your rights!
The Good Greatsby
May 14, 2011
I had spent years fantasizing about the crime, so I had all the details–like opening the window–worked out in advance.
cmmarcum
May 14, 2011
I have investigated this phenomenon, myself, by taking a pilgrimage to the most high gurus at Cartridge World, where the high master enlightened me.
“It’s not the printer,” he said. “It’s the square headed gremlins inside. The baby cartridges are the most impish. When you purchase your next printer, buy one that holds adult sized cartridges, for therein, little grasshopper, lies the real cost of operation. It is not the price of the printer that a wise man concerns himself with, but the replacement value of the black brains inside and how often they must be battled.”
After obtaining such a device, there is only the matter of blessing the paper before insertion.
The Good Greatsby
May 14, 2011
I didn’t know if the printer, the cartridge, or the paper deserved the most blame, so I threw them all out just to be sure I got the true culprit.
Bearman
May 14, 2011
Did you take a bat to it along with a slow motion montague as in Office Space?
The Good Greatsby
May 15, 2011
I considered using a bat, but I feared broken pieces of plastic would bounce back and hit me and give the printer one last opportunity for revenge.
spilledinkguy
May 15, 2011
PC Load Letter?
thelifeofjamie
May 14, 2011
That is so Office Space of you! I think you are my new idol!
The Good Greatsby
May 15, 2011
I will accept the role of your new idol if it comes with some sort of plaque and/or a gift certificate.
Invisible Mikey
May 15, 2011
Tech chucking is very satisfying, isn’t it? It’s like the ape in 2001 tossing the bone high enough in the air to become a space shuttle. You are braver than me, though. I have only chucked cell phones.
The Good Greatsby
May 15, 2011
Someone needs to invent a cheap $5 cell phone for throwing. I would love to throw my cell phone once a week, but it’s just too expensive.
Kim
May 15, 2011
All printers are E.vil
The Good Greatsby
May 15, 2011
It’s the only possible explanation.
Tooty Nolan
May 15, 2011
My Epson C46 went much the same way. Threats – then the patio. And my Brother DCP-135C is all too keen to claim that the cartridge is empty even when I can see three quarters of an inch of the stuff sloshing around inside. Maybe I should show it this post.
The Good Greatsby
May 15, 2011
You should print out this post on your printer and see if the attitude changes.
Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom)
May 15, 2011
Vaguely reminiscent of the opening of SCTV in the 80s. If you skip to the 50 second mark, enjoy the downpour of TVs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iNCYxSS7RL0&feature=related
The Good Greatsby
May 15, 2011
I love SCTV. I hadn’t it seen it in years and had forgotten that intro.
skippingstones
May 15, 2011
It’s comforting to know that there are real people out there who are willing to stand up for themselves and do what needs to be done, what has to be done, what MUST be done.
Let us know if you burn down any buildings.
The Good Greatsby
May 15, 2011
I’m teaching electronics a lesson: You work for us. I won’t put up with your refusal to do your job anymore.
Redneckprincess
May 15, 2011
I have a Fax machine at work that this is going to happen to…I swear…
The Good Greatsby
May 15, 2011
I’ve had plenty of arguments with fax machines in my day, but they never belonged to me, so I always worried the owner would expect me to buy a new fax machine if I threw theirs out the window.
goingroundandround
May 15, 2011
Good for you! Our printer also gobbles color ink when I usually just print in black, and won’t even print in black if a color cartridge is out. I have had to re-download drivers for it at least 3 times. And, it doesn’t have wireless capability (not really its fault, but still…). I have yet to toss it out the window, mainly because I can’t afford a new one and when I can afford a new one I think I might be able to get $10 for the old one on Craigslist. $10 would almost be enough to buy 3 coffees at Starbucks, and I might as well get something for all my printer trouble.
The Good Greatsby
May 15, 2011
I couldn’t let myself sell this printer to someone else. I’d feel too guilty about the potential for this printer to turn people violent.
Sandi Ormsby
May 15, 2011
mess with the inker, you get the blinker…or finger?
That was awesome!
I remember that greenbar paper. The horizontal light green and white striped paper with all the holes on both sides…one little hole didn’t line up properly and the report gets crumpled up and jammed!
ahhh!
the worst being the toner we have to put in some copiers. some are easy while others, toner easily explodes when not the right steps are followed! That always nice.
Sandi
http://www.ahhsome.wordpress.com
The Good Greatsby
May 15, 2011
I remember the paper with the holes and constantly applying pressure in certain places to keep the paper taut so it wouldn’t miss any holes and bunch up. That’s when I first began dreaming of killing a printer.
ryoko861
May 15, 2011
You spoiled brat.
At least you HAD printers when you were in school.
We had mimeographs. And those were only privy to the teachers.
I had carbon paper.
Did your printer always talk to you?
You should see someone about that.
The Good Greatsby
May 15, 2011
Would you feel better if you could throw a mimeograph out the window?
ryoko861
May 15, 2011
They wouldn’t let me in the school office without a note. I bet a lot of teachers would have like to have thrown that puppy out the window though!!
Laura
May 15, 2011
That must have been so satisfying. I tried feeding my printer to my shredder once, but the shredder refused to cooperate.
The Good Greatsby
May 15, 2011
I’m surprised the shredder wouldn’t cooperate. I’m usually pretty satisfied with shredders. They’re pretty far down the list of electronics I want to destroy.
nursemyra
May 15, 2011
I always speak to my printer in an English accent
The Good Greatsby
May 15, 2011
I always spoke to mine with a Sean Connery impression.
ryoko861
May 15, 2011
This is one of the most hilarious YouTube videos I’ve ever seen! I’ve watched it about 6 times over the last 2 months! I think the British accent adds to it!
writerwoman61
May 15, 2011
I bought my first printer in 1994…an Epson Stylus Colour. It cost $1000! I’ve had about 5 printers since then…they always quit with no warning! Maddening…
Wendy
The Good Greatsby
May 15, 2011
I would hesitate a lot more before chucking a $1000 printer. Luckily this printer was less than $100 and was giving all the signs of needing to be replaced before too long anyway.
Amy
May 15, 2011
You, sir, are my hero. I’m slow clapping for you.
The Good Greatsby
May 15, 2011
Please continue slow clapping as I take a victory lap and wave at the audience.
Gemma Sidney
May 15, 2011
It’s times like these that I wish there was an “I love this” button.
The Good Greatsby
May 15, 2011
I’ll try and add ten buttons that express varying degrees of like and love.
Leah
May 15, 2011
I applaud you! I came that close with my computer one night.
The Good Greatsby
May 15, 2011
I don’t know if I could destroy a computer, definitely not until we learn whether they’ve been secretly programmed to feel emotion and/or to spy on us.
amblerangel
May 15, 2011
My printer and I have been arguing back and forth- it speaks Japanese-I’m only proficient in English. Since a picture is worth a 1000 words, I just showed it these pictures. I now have this post book marked for future printer disagreements.
Rachael Black
May 15, 2011
Combination Office Space ‘There IS no paper jam’ and Eddie Izzard’s encore of computers.
Ah, I SO relate.
In fact when I worked for Warner Brothers we wasted their time and the station equipment to Reenact the beat-the-fuck-out-of-of the-printer scene. It’s still on youtube .
Excuse: Make a piece to draw in viewers for the website. Damn I’m so good.
Bless being a Exec Producer with a week off of from ads, being the Webmistress, Voice Overs and all of that equipment just waiting to be used.
Kill Great Goodsby. Kill.
DIG the pics.
You ARE my hero.
Lynn
May 15, 2011
Ugh Printers, the bane of my existence!
ajg
May 15, 2011
Awesome. Checkmate, Greatsby! That printer is now printing off double-sided, full color, glossy paper invitations non-stop in hell. And if it jams, um… I got no second punchline. But you get the idea.
On an funny but practical side note, I don’t know if you plan on buying another printer any time soon, but I highly recommend a small Samsung laser printer like this: http://tinyurl.com/6c2s5a7
Cheap, few moving parts, so cheap, and very very cheap to print. Also very fast.
Renee Davies
May 15, 2011
Very funny post. Now I don’t feel so bad for all the things I’ve been throwing out my window.
flippingchannels
May 16, 2011
The beauty of that moment must have been awe inspiring.
judithhb
May 16, 2011
I have threatened often but never followed through. I have read your post and shown the pictures to both of my printers. They are now on final notice.
frigginloon
May 16, 2011
Why is it I can buy a printer for $40 (which includes free cartridges) but replacement ink cartridges costs $5670.00. Hello, I now buy my printers in bulk !
madtante
May 16, 2011
Brother and I razed a level of a house one time with naught but a wrecking bar (some call it a crowbar, and yes, I’m trying to sound like Billy Bob Thornton in Slingblade) and an 8lb sledge.
We’re bad-ass when it comes to tearing shite apart. And we’ll do it for free.
ceceliafutch
May 16, 2011
YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!! You are my absolute hero!
pegoleg
May 17, 2011
I have the same problems, except I’m a lot older than you, so my printer is a monk on a tall stool doing illuminated copies of my memos. Takes longer, but oh, the penmanship.
But sometimes he messes up and I have to unload a whole, 64-oz can of whuppass on his tonsored head. Technology is so frustrating!
gojulesgo
May 17, 2011
I’m about to do the same thing with my printer (which won’t even turn on), although I’m hesitating because I don’t have anything against my sidewalk. In thinking about your last post, a great way to taunt your enemies would be to code their printer to only print bad yearbook pictures of them and recipes with one key ingredient missing, especially when they’re trying to print their taxes or documents of equal import with pressing deadlines.
bridgesburning
May 17, 2011
Possessed printers positively p*** me off and deserve the justice you have meted out..perhaps you could become a printer vigilante and hire yourself out
the master
May 18, 2011
So printers are sentient? I knew it! What about scanners? I’ve harboroured suspicions about mine ever since that time I sat down on it just to take a rest and it printed 40 pictures of my rear end. My friends kept telling me that I was insane, drunk, and sitting on the “Print” button. Sitting on the “Print” button my arse!
Binky
May 18, 2011
I suspect your next printer will freeze up from fright and never print a thing.
artjen1971
February 25, 2012
I read this to my husband, and you are his hero! He says in his life as a network analyst he has punched, kicked, and thrown (as high as he possibly could and watched fall into a dumpster) many printers. You are right–they totally have it coming!
pmahaney
May 24, 2013
Paul I think you may have murdered the wrong printer. I have it on good authority that he, was a SHE. All the hydrogen peroxide in the China won’t take the ink stains off those hands now. The mistaken identity was discovered when the CSI printer group (Computer Scene Investigators), started to take down the yellow tape around the debris area. They must have found female parts! Do you smell smoke?
rushvijain
April 13, 2015
I couldn’t stop laughing. Also being a Gandhian, I packed my printer and dumped it in the cellar and haven’t seen it since then. But your revenge was so satisfying, bravo!