Yes, ma’am, you may be growing older, but you don’t feel old, you don’t act old, and you’re still beautiful, and I’m sorry I called you ma’am just then.
Or maybe you do feel old, act even older, and are perfectly aware the beauty ship sailed off into the sunset years ago.
Your beautiful, perky receptionist fresh out of high school wants you to like her and has no idea how close she comes to the edge whenever she tries to connect by saying she loves vintage TV like I Love Lucy and Friends; she knows of Nirvana, but has never actually heard them because her iPod doesn’t get an oldies station; and wonders aloud what life was like before computers and turns to you expectantly, waiting for a story.
You’ve kept a mental tally of her failed compliments, like the times she’s called you “a role model for young women” or described your clothing as “handsome.” Today will be her last day in your employ as the misguided compliment balloon bursts when you debut your new hairstyle and she greets you with one of the following comments:
1. “You look so respectable and dignified…like Judge Judy.”
2. “It’s so pretty. So, so pretty. Who did you go to? Had he cut your hair before? Who recommended him? Was the person who gave you the recommendation someone you were fighting with who suddenly became nice again and you weren’t sure why?”
3. “Sometimes it’s fun to try something new, even if it’s all wrong for the shape of your face.”
4. “Isn’t it funny how everything in the mirror is in reverse when you cut your own hair?”
5. “Wow, you look so classy! Are you going to a fancy bingo party after work?”
6. “I love the way your bangs sweep up and distract the eye away from everything beneath your bangs.”
7. “You look so beautiful. I’ll be happy if I age half as gracefully as you. Wow, look at the goose bumps on my arm! I totally just got chills when I thought about being your age!”
8. “Wow! Very professional. You look like you could be a retired doctor.”
9. “Good for you! I’m trying to save money, too, but I don’t have your discipline. I guess that comes with age.”
10. “I love your hair! I love, love your hair…have you heard of this new magazine Cosmo? Because I was reading Cosmo last night and guess what they said is coming back in style? Hats.”
And after work you’ll celebrate her dismissal by treating yourself to a glass of wine and some vintage Nirvana while you fall asleep on the couch by 7:30.
The Good Greatsby 
lifeintheboomerlane
April 11, 2011
Hilarious. Re #7: Whenever I hear that, I grab the little tart and throw her into an aging machine (Gotta get that little baby patented) , making her twice as old as me. Then I say the same thing to her.
The Good Greatsby
April 11, 2011
I would pay for one of those aging machines, they’d be great at parties.
bridgesburning
April 11, 2011
Hahahaha when I lived in Texas I loved being called ma’am..just something so southern and sexy about it. Since my age is a celebration of who I am it is more likely she would quit rather than listen to my expressed sympathy about her poor inexperienced years in all things, “Why Kiki just imagine in a few years you will develop some small level of sophistication..
The Good Greatsby
April 11, 2011
I’ll have my wife read your comment to counter her objections to me calling her ma’am.
frigginloon
April 11, 2011
She says nothing as she slips on her Snuggie and settles into a night of frivolity listening to the Marianne Faithfull while sipping on a mug of hot cocoa. KerPlunk anyone ? 😦
The Good Greatsby
April 11, 2011
Nothing wrong with a Snuggie and hot cocoa.
elysianhunter
April 11, 2011
I work with a young puppy (aged 23) who has never heard of Journey. She doesn’t know what she missed. I guess I have to admit this old cougar is getting older…
The Good Greatsby
April 11, 2011
You accept it when they don’t like your music, but it stings when they’ve never heard of it.
elysianhunter
April 12, 2011
No doubt. I showed her a pic of Steve Perry sometime around 1981- and she wondered why I thought he was hot!
goingroundandround
April 14, 2011
An ensemble from my son’s high school choir sang “Don’t Stop Believing” last year and it was great. We parents thought even more highly of the choir director after that.
modestypress
April 11, 2011
I once worked for a small company and became friends with the personnel director. He once commented to me, “Most company presidents want to hire a beautiful young receptionist. That is one of the worst mistakes a company can make. I always hire a matronly middle-aged woman as the receptionist. You cannot believe how many problems this prevents.”
The Good Greatsby
April 11, 2011
Three cheers for matronly, middle-aged women receptionists!
goingroundandround
April 14, 2011
Three cheers, indeed! Much less annoyance for the receptionist too. 20 years ago I was a moderately cute blonde receptionist, and just about every man who came in to the office wanted to ask me for a date. Double ugh. People have much more respect for matronliness, than cute blondeness.
marryin'thelibrarian
April 11, 2011
What is it about those straight, white teeth that makes you want to immediately put on a hat?
The Good Greatsby
April 11, 2011
I don’t know. Have you ever been bitten on the head by a beautiful receptionist? If so, this could explain it.
Amanda
April 11, 2011
I’m 36, but still think of myself as 23. This has caused major problems — mainly when I tell my fourteen year old daughter’s friends’ parents that I’m 23. So judgy.
Oh, and fancy bingo parties rock!
The Good Greatsby
April 11, 2011
If you’re going to bingo, you might as well make it fancy.
monicastangledweb
April 11, 2011
Nirvana? Oldies? OMG, Not to me. Which means I am old. Years ago, I was on line at a record store (which you probably don’t remember) and two 14 year old’s were in front of me. One said to the other, “I heard Paul McCartney used to be in a band before Wings.” That was my first jolt with being on the older side of life.
Anyway, I love your blog so much I’m adding it to my Blog Roll. Great sense of humor.
The Good Greatsby
April 11, 2011
I’m flattered. I’ll pick you first for my team if we ever play kickball together.
Meet the Buttrams
April 11, 2011
How’d you know I got my hair cut?
The Good Greatsby
April 11, 2011
Did you really get your haircut? I’m sure it looks stylish and reflects whatever age you were hoping to look.
educlaytion
April 12, 2011
Can I use this line every time anything ever happens for the rest of my life? Also, will you be available for take an elderly person to work day?
Seriously, we’re in trouble as this new generation begins to think of the 90s like a black hole, kind of how we see the 70s actually.
The Good Greatsby
April 12, 2011
We’ll have our revenge in ten years when even fewer young people remember the 00s.
Gemma Sidney
April 11, 2011
I am currently working as a receptionist. But don’t worry, I avoid giving any form of compliment to anyone. It just causes jealousy and in-fighting.
The Good Greatsby
April 11, 2011
I’m sure everyone in the office is vying for your compliments and you’re wise to abstain.
Calhoun
April 11, 2011
You’d need to remind this receptionist of yours who signs her paychecks! Okay, well, probably Pam from HR, but you know what I mean
thelifeofjamie
April 11, 2011
Hopefully she didn’t leave a cloud of teen spirit as she sauntered out the door!
Rufus' Food and Spirit Guide
April 11, 2011
We live in a part of the country where ma’am and sir are way overused…. or wait am I just getting older?
Todd Pack
April 11, 2011
I feel younger than I am and think I look younger, too, until I see someone who is younger and, then, not so much.
The Good Greatsby
April 11, 2011
If only we could get rid of anyone younger than we are, I think we’d all feel a lot better.
Amy
April 11, 2011
I’ll never forget the first time someone called me ma’am. It was by a bag boy at the grocery store years ago. I wanted to hurl a jar of pasta sauce at his head. I’m a little less ragey about it now, but I’ll never get used to it.
Walter
April 11, 2011
Personally I like: “That looks great…on YOU.”
I’d hire a male receptionist.
elysianhunter
April 12, 2011
So would I. And he would look pretty much like Steve Perry did in 1981, if I were doing the choosing. 😛
madtante
April 11, 2011
The “retired doctor” one got me. Oh! The hilarity. Good one.
The Good Greatsby
April 11, 2011
That was my wife’s favorite. I wasn’t sure whether it worked or not, but I’m glad you liked it.
madtante
April 12, 2011
Congratulations on having an exceptionally brilliant wife!
Invisible Mikey
April 11, 2011
This article is so funny! Just enough truth to float the satire. It reminds me of Al Jaffee’s “Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions” features in MAD Magazine.
(Did I just prove I’m the oldest person in the room?)
Oh, and the m’am/sir thing. Loved that too.
The Good Greatsby
April 12, 2011
What’s this MAD magazine you mentioned? I’ve never heard of it. Must have been before my time.
spilledinkguy
April 12, 2011
I don’t cut my own hair.
I would never admit to that.
That would be crazy.
‘Nevermind’
🙂
Rachael Black
April 12, 2011
Number 10 bust me up!!!
Personally detest it when I’m called Ma’am. especially since I’m 23.
Okay maybe not.
The former part of the sentence is correct. Now, I’m 49 still have long curly hair highlighted with purple and love going out in short skirts -for a night on the town with girlfriends- because I still got the legs.
On the other hand, I’m not wearing those short short skirts or trying to do a Hot Topic/Forever 21 look at my age.
There’s a fine line there kids.
The worst compliments I’ve ever gotten from the perky dingbats is ‘when are you due?!’
It so happens that I carry all my weight in the tummy area. Have been getting this comment for 35 years. Now it’s just mixed with horror because I look 40.
Great post. Am pretty sure there’s not a man or woman who can’t relate to this one.
By the way, did you cut your hair? (NOTE: Actual Meaning is Holy Shit you look Fat!)
Laura
April 12, 2011
I don’t get “when are you due?”, but whenever a stranger is unexpectedly nice to me, I worry that it’s because they think I’m pregnant.
36x37
April 12, 2011
I cannot stop laughing at this list. Plus? So happy hats are back in style. Excellent news.
Funny post!
The Good Greatsby
April 12, 2011
I’ve been trying to encourage people to buy more hats, but I must disclose I am receiving a commission from the US Hat Rack Association.
the master
April 12, 2011
OK, I’ve got to ask. I understand (or at least think) that bangs = fringe. But I have to ask, why? The word “bang” to me implies an explosion of some sort. Are incendiary hair follicles a common problem across the pond?
The Good Greatsby
April 12, 2011
I don’t know why Americans call them bangs. It’s hard to think where that name could have come from and why it would describe that area of your hair.
Julie
April 12, 2011
Who doesn’t want to be compared to Judge Judy? I think I have just established my new life’s purpose.
The Good Greatsby
April 12, 2011
You could do worse than be compared to Judge Judy…but not a whole lot worse.
ryoko861
April 12, 2011
Her day will come. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA……..
Kayoh
April 12, 2011
Lmao! Oh dear… I can picture this receptionist as well. I believe I went to high school with a number of them :p. Great post Paul!
Binky
April 12, 2011
Hats are the solution to many of life’s most perplexing problems.
Spectra
April 13, 2011
Hey Binky, I named a mouse after you…but then I caught her four minutes later and dumped her in the garden. Just wanted to let you know – you still have 11 minutes of fame left.
Great Post, Greatsby! Never happens to me, though.
bevysthots
April 12, 2011
Too many giggles to list. 😉 HAHAHAHAHAAA! Thanks!
shreejacob
April 13, 2011
Sometimes I still feel like I’m stuck in my 20’s. Then I get this slap from reality when little kids I’d known send an invitation to their engagement dinner!
Angelia
April 14, 2011
#7 happened to me!
In my former life, I taught university literature. One day, a nubile young thing be-bopped her way to me after class (seriously, she sort of hopped; it was disturbing). She actually said to me “I hope I age as gracefully as you!”
At first, I plotted to fail every assignment she submitted — you know, for spite — but then I went the passive-aggressive route and told her she’d do the same if she spent less time in the sun.
The look on her overly-tanned face didn’t look crushed enough, so I carried on: I very nearly told her that her nude lipstick made her look like a corpse; but instead, I again went passive-aggressive and asked her if she’d been eating powdered doughnuts. When she said no, I shrugged and smiled the honey-dripping-smile-of-evil and said “oh, nevermind!”
That same day, a woman in her sixties carded me when I bought wine. I needed it, both the wine AND being carded.
infinite monkey theorem
April 20, 2011
…I asked you nicely to remove that camera!