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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Browsing All posts tagged under »humor«
Economics Even A Six Year Old Can Understand–Part 2
My six year old son, The Fonz (so nicknamed because his middle name is Fonzarelli), recently started saying the word apparently. He uses it correctly in speech, but I assume its use adds a flavor he didn’t intend. If I ask him if Ethan is his best friend he says, “Apparently he is.” In his […]
Economics Even A Six Year Old Can Understand–Part 1
March 18, 2011
Every parent hopes children learn the following important lessons about money: How to live frugally. When it is okay to borrow money. How to save for a rainy day. How to be wealthy, but still win the respect of your servants in a way that ensures they’ll hide you when the local peasants form a […]
Larry King Kardashatron Prophet
March 17, 2011
I know it’s a digital world, but I can’t stand digital watches… –Larry King When the history of mankind is written by our humanoid-Kardashian replacements, we may be surprised by their conclusions. Some worry mankind will be judged harshly for wars, pollution, and Vin Diesel, but each culture brings its own bias when viewing another, […]
We can’t sit here impotently and wait for the Supermoon to attack! We must strike first!
March 16, 2011
My wife Lorraine knows she can’t tell me about a news event and expect an honest reaction. My mind is trained to answer with an absurdly-contrarian viewpoint delivered with a straight-faced sincerity. As a result, my wife will no longer discuss the news with me. I’ve tried calling my friend Andrew: Me: Did you see […]
Congratulations Caption Contest Winner! Enjoy Your Moderate Lucky Feeling!
March 16, 2011
Congratulations to MattJ who has been awarded a ‘moderate’ lucky feeling for the following caption: Thank you for your many excellent submissions. Many of these made me laugh, and I had difficulty narrowing it down to a pool of three from which I let my cat Megatron choose her favorite. If you thought your submission […]
How to Teach Your Kids to Sound Smart (Especially If They’re Not)
March 15, 2011
Parents have so many worries: Will Tyler make friends at his new school? Will Kaitlyn make the soccer team? How long before people discover Tyler is very, very dumb? Poor Tyler. You’ve tried to defend him: “Maybe he’s not book smart, but he’s street smart.” But time has revealed he’s not street smart either, sending […]
Zombie Ants? Aww, man, ants were the one insect my kid would eat!
March 14, 2011
My wife Deidre was telling me about a fungus that could invade the brains of ants and turn them into ‘Zombie Ants.’ I didn’t get all the details because I heard the words ZOMBIE ANTS and my mind began to wander: 1. Bad news for my Aunt Zombie, who’s already been fighting stereotypes her whole […]
The Good Greatsby Caption Contest–Positive Feelings to be Awarded!
March 13, 2011
Submit your best caption for the picture below: Guidelines: Your caption could be a narration, a line of dialogue, a news headline, a movie title, or even a recipe for banana bread if you can make it applicable. Please no incantations that could be deadly if read aloud. Also, no limericks or references to Twilight. […]
Dr. Morality
March 12, 2011
I’m willing to listen to my doctor when he limits his advice to health issues. But I bristle when he begins giving me unsolicited counsel on morality! Who gave him the moral authority to call one cholesterol ‘good’ and another cholesterol ‘bad’? Isn’t that for God to decide?
The Mysterious Mystery of the Mysterious Nephew
March 11, 2011
My favorite Aunt Susan left a comment in the About Paul section that must rank as the coolest description of me I’m ever likely to hear. She recommends me, but in an effort to be unbiased and honest qualifies her recommendation like she’s trying to make up her mind about me as well. Somehow, the […]
My Genius Cat Megatron
March 10, 2011
Eventually, every pet owner faces the ethical question: How much is my pet worth to me? If the veterinarian says $75, I don’t hesitate to pay. If she says $1,200 in order to prolong life for a year, I need to think about it. If she suggests an extremely experimental human-to-cat kidney transplant–well, that’s going […]
America’s Wealthy Join Forces to Taunt Homeless
March 9, 2011
The picture is from National Geographic’s article about a team of scientists recreating the scene from the cartoon Up, where a bouquet of balloons lifts a house upwards into the sky. When I first saw the picture, I was hoping for a more exciting headline. I would have been satisfied with any of these: America’s […]
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