Friday Love Letters: Dear Rachel Weisz

Dear Rachel Weisz,

One of my great embarrassments is that I’ve seen The Mummy fifteen times but Schindler’s List only once.

I knew I would hate The Mummy, and this is why I didn’t see it in theaters, only catching it on TV years later, but something happened the moment you appeared on screen as the beautiful but nerdy, adventurous, accident-prone librarian: I fell in love with you and a bad movie instantly became outstanding and fifteen times more watchable than Schindler’s List.

The director of The Mummy knew what he was doing when he cast you as the female lead, Evelyn.  Remember when the Madjai, protectors of Hamunaptra, attack your river boat and set it aflame?  I’m convinced those fifteen minutes of plot existed solely as an excuse to burn all your character’s clothing so you would be forced to dress in the only clothes you could find at the local Egyptian market: black draped muslin looking very similar to a negligee.  I assume the director looked at the script and said, “We need to rewrite the entire plot and add a storyline where Rachel’s clothing gets destroyed so we can dress her in underwear for the last hour.  And in the scene where she loses her clothing, she should already be wearing a nightgown throughout that scene.”  I’m not disagreeing with his artistic direction.

What excuse could we give Evelyn for wearing this in all the action scenes?

You were so charming that I almost forgot Brendan Fraser was in the film.  By the way, what’s wrong with Brendan Fraser?  He’s so goofy.  How could the producers of The Mummy cast such a goofy guy to be such a classy woman’s leading man?  Why does he keep getting offers to be in movies?  Is his dad rich?  How come he can’t clap correctly?  Did you see him trying to clap at last year’s Golden Globes?

On the set of The Mummy and The Mummy Returns, did the cast and crew ever take turns trying to trick Brendan Fraser into clapping?

You’re probably too nice to tease Brendan Fraser, especially when we haven’t established whether he’s completely cognizant of what’s going on around him.  One of my best friends interned on David Letterman, and in between being instructed not to make eye contact or speak with Letterman, he got to meet fifty celebrity guests, and said you were not only the nicest celebrity, but one of the nicest people he had ever met.  You were so sweet and kept saying “I beg your pardon” with your sexy British accent.  It made me so jealous to hear him constantly recount how you begged for his pardon.  What I wouldn’t give to have you beg for my pardon.

Sometimes I wonder how my life would have turned out differently if I had seen the movie in theaters when it debuted in 1999 instead of seeing it after I was already married.  There’s a pretty good chance you and I would either be married or I’d be legally obligated to keep a distance of 500 feet from both you and Brendan Fraser.