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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Browsing All Posts filed under »Family«
The Fonz Needs an Empathy Transplant
Yesterday I took the boys out to eat and my seven-year-old, The Fonz, asked how transplants worked. I explained that you could give someone one of your two kidneys and could survive with just one. My ten-year-old, Optimist Prime, turned to The Fonz and said, “If you needed a kidney to save your life, I’d […]
Questions You Can’t Ask During Parent Teacher Conference
April 4, 2012
The boys had their parent teacher conferences last week and my wife attended both conferences without me because she’s a librarian at the boys’ school and worries I might embarrass her by asking inappropriate questions. Whenever someone asks if I have any questions, whether it’s a doctor, a teacher, or the police, I fight the […]
The Fonz and Whatshername Plot Thickens
March 30, 2012
I keep asking my seven-year-old, The Fonz, if he has any new updates on his romance with his Italian classmate, Whatshername. There hadn’t been much to report since my previous Fonz and Whatshername post and I realized maybe that’s because relationships for seven-year-olds don’t go any further than her giving him the nickname ‘Fun Guy’ […]
If She Had Four Eyes, One Should Be On Me
March 26, 2012
Mrs. Greatsby is in the last lap of completing her master’s degree. After three years of hard work and not paying enough attention to me, she’s only a month a way from completing her thesis and fulfilling my dream of her paying more attention to me. I was pretty satisfied with the amount of attention […]
The Distracted Detective Strikes Again…Or At Least I Think He Did
March 19, 2012
As I’ve written before, I’ve often fantasized about being a detective because I like a good mystery, enjoy calling women ‘dames’, and appreciate any excuse for staying out late. And I’m pretty good at deciphering clues. Just last week Mrs. Greatsby asked me who had tracked jam all over the kitchen floor and it only […]
Another Interview with Apollo Fonzarelli
March 2, 2012
The last time I interviewed my seven-year-old, Apollo Fonzarelli, was when he was sick in bed and so tired that he couldn’t run away when I annoyed him with my questions. This time I was the immobile one as I lay on the floor with a back injury and made him sit next to me […]
Fonz and Whatshername Sitting in a Tree: Part 3
February 14, 2012
This might surprise you, but I tend to joke around a lot with my kids. They rarely believe anything I say because I give parenting advice with the same straight face in which I give zombie-escape-route advice–all while wearing a smoking jacket and pretending to smoke a pipe. But I have given the kids a […]
Two Pictures of the Boys
February 4, 2012
The Fonz didn’t need any encouragement regarding his fashion choices. We were right to be worried when he came home and told us Whatshername had remarked, “I really like your funny clothes.” That’s all the permission he’ll ever need to wear anything he wants for the rest of his life. This is what he wore […]
Fonz and Whatshername Sitting in a Tree: Part 2
February 2, 2012
Many readers have been on the edge of their seats waiting for an update on my seven-year-old’s love life. When I say ‘many readers,’ I can’t think of any specific examples, but I’m assuming single men willing to try anything, in particular, are curious whether The Fonz’s non-sequiturs and cape-wearing might actually work. (Read the […]
Date Night with the Greatsbys
January 27, 2012
The Fonz and Optimist Prime spent the evening at a dinner party with some of their friends. Actually, the party was described as a movie night, but I prefer to think this was a cover for their higher-brow plans to discuss this month’s New Yorker and the finer points of tying a cravat. Hopefully once […]
Boredom-Busting Board Games for Kids
January 25, 2012
The Fonz and Optimist Prime are always making up new games. They spend hours and hours discussing the rules, coloring and cutting out game boards and game pieces, telling their dad this will be the greatest game ever, and arguing over which one of them contributed 51% or more to the idea and deserves to […]
Fonz and Whatshername Sitting in a Tree
January 20, 2012
In last Saturday’s post I shared the story of The Fonz returning from Christmas break and discovering a new Italian girl enrolled in the second grade. Her addition to the second grade seemed to coincide with The Fonz asking me a lot of questions about girls and what age people start dating. I explained the […]
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