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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Browsing All Posts filed under »Columns«
If I’m a Smart Person, Why am I Still Getting Sunburns in My Third Decade of Life?
I count myself in that impossible majority who humbly considers themselves above-average in intelligence. But over time the laundry list of chinks in my intelligence armor grows as I make the same mistakes every year of my life. Certain situations only come up once every year or two, and my mind uses the lesson learned […]
What Do You Send As a Thank You Gift When Someone Gives You a $700 Present You Don’t Care About?
April 23, 2011
A neighbor who I’ve waved at once a month for the last three years but whose last name I still don’t know approached and asked if I had plans for the following Sunday. My I’m-about-to-be-asked-to-an-all-day-BBQ-with-people-I-don’t-know radar went off, and I answered as vaguely as possible, “My wife has something she’s excited about maybe doing in […]
Ranking the Karate Kid Villains
April 22, 2011
Check out my guest contribution on educlaytion.com as part of his panel of awesome discussing the 1980s best movie villains. I selected Kreese, Johnny’s karate Sensei in The Karate Kid as the best villain and make a case for him as the movie’s true villain over Johnny. Read my guest contribution, and then come back […]
Happy Birthday, Apollo Fonzarelli!
April 19, 2011
Happy birthday to kid #2, The Fonz, who turns seven today! Why do I call him The Fonz? When he was born I filled out two applications for a birth certificate; the first form I showed my wife contained the name we had agreed upon; the second form, the one I didn’t show her, and […]
A Big Bah, Humbug to the Tiny Birthday Tyrant
April 16, 2011
Is it just me, or is something fundamentally wrong with children’s birthday parties as an institution? How can an event meant to celebrate the life and birth of a child, result in the parents’ gin-soaked resolution not to have any more children? Twenty years from now when America’s declining birthrate brings social security to a […]
The Backhanded Compliment Explained
April 15, 2011
You’re a great person. Your mom likes you. I like you. Everybody likes you. Or do they? Is it possible people are secretly insulting you, but you always miss it because you’re unfamiliar with the art of the backhanded compliment? The backhanded compliment is so effective because it starts with a positive first half that […]
Practical Jokes that Go too Far–Part 2
April 14, 2011
Many of you read Practical Jokes That Go Too Far-Part 1, and based on the comments it seems most readers agreed my friends have no sense of humor. I was the wronged party, surrounded by ungrateful friends who failed to appreciate all the hard work and planning that went into my pranks. Trust me, it […]
A Letter of Apology to Those I May Have Alienated During My Brief Day of Fame
April 12, 2011
Other bloggers had warned me Freshly Pressed fame was a fickle mistress, but I refused to believe she could ever leave me. In the midst of my one day rock star status my wife warned me to temper my expectations for the day after Freshly Pressed, and I shouted back with words that seemed less […]
In Case You Haven’t Heard, I’m a Big Huge Gigantic Success; I’m Finally Getting the Recognition I’ve Always Claimed I Deserve
April 8, 2011
It took some time to realize the ghosts running WordPress had selected me for Freshly Pressed because I had reserved the morning for polishing my medals, and there’s no computer in my trophy room. What a fun coincidence I would be sequestered in my awards room polishing my awards at the same time I won […]
Practical Jokes that Go too Far
April 1, 2011
April Fools Day! The one day of the year set aside for pranks and practical jokes. The one day of the year I set aside to remind myself never to play a practical joke again. I used to come up with the best ideas for practical jokes. I’d work so hard to develop an elaborate […]
How the Song Friday Won Me Over
March 25, 2011
I don’t care what people say–I like the song Friday by Rebecca Black. If you haven’t heard of Friday, you’re missing a viral sensation celebrated for its poor production values, robotic vocals, and travelogue lyrics that could have been lifted from court transcripts recording a witness’ schedule on the day of a murder: ‘I ate […]
Economics Even A Six Year Old Can Understand–Part 2
March 19, 2011
My six year old son, The Fonz (so nicknamed because his middle name is Fonzarelli), recently started saying the word apparently. He uses it correctly in speech, but I assume its use adds a flavor he didn’t intend. If I ask him if Ethan is his best friend he says, “Apparently he is.” In his […]
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