My twelve-year-old son Optimist Prime has always prided himself on never following the crowd and never doing something just because the popular kids say it’s cool. It has me kind of worried. The doctors tell us he should have outgrown his idealism by now. His mother and I are having a hard time making him understand that going along with the crowd can be a lot of fun.
OP was born into the world as an undercover adult. He’s always found it easy to talk with adults, and when kids his age complain about a teacher or parent, far from being a sympathetic ear, he usually takes the adult’s side.
He read Steve Jobs’ 600-page biography. Three times. This year. Play a video game already!
He just finished an 800-page history of The Beatles and the thing he mentioned most was how exhausting he found John Lennon’s immaturity, lack of focus, and drug use in contrast to Paul McCartney’s responsible nature.
Recently he told me he was assigned to a group and he complained to the teacher that he was the only one in his group doing any work. I had to put my foot down.
“Let me get this straight. You told the teacher the other kids were acting like kids?
“Yeah. It’s not fair that I’ll get a bad grade because they won’t work.”
“I’m sorry your mother and I didn’t make this clear years ago, but making friends is way more important than getting good grades.”
We sat down and I told him he should go along with the crowd about 75% of the time. I tried to give him a pep talk, “You could change your whole image. Go along with the crowd. Be responsible in secret. This could be the start of a whole new Optimist Prime. You’ll go to school on Monday and give them Optimist Prime 2.0.”
My nine-year-old son The Fonz heard the words ‘Optimist Prime 2.0’, raced into the other room, re
turned ten minutes later, and handed his brother a piece of paper entitled ‘Optimist Prime 2.0’.
Optimist Prime 2.0
includeing…
–3x less boreing!
–4% more awesome!
–2% more popular
–38% More classy
–1% more sexy
–47% less perverted
–chart
and thats only a tip of the iceberg
Release date: Mon.
…..
On a completely unrelated note…
Sometimes I wonder if my son is happy.
…sometimes I wonder if The Fonz is happy.
The Good Greatsby 
Hippie Cahier
October 11, 2013
. . . and that’s only a tip of the iceberg!
Man, The Fonz has a way with charts and graphs and words and stuff.
The Good Greatsby
October 11, 2013
He does have a way with words. I look forward to the day he can take over this blog as my ghost writer.
The Byronic Man
October 11, 2013
I just the other day was trying to explain a concept to a group of teenagers (this was teaching a class – I didn’t corner them in the street), and used “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” as an example and they all giggled at the name. Not a single one of them had ever heard of it. I kind of flipped out, explaining it was the biggest pop album of all time, period, underline. I said to ask, literally, anyone.
The next day one of them said he’d asked his dad what the biggest pop album ever is and he’d replied that it’s Boston’s first album. I felt great pity for this kid’s home life.
Anyway… what were your writing about? I seem to have drifted.
The Good Greatsby
October 11, 2013
Boston? Boston? If you name a Beatles’ song my kid can name the album. He may be our only hope for the coming generation.
She's a Maineiac
October 11, 2013
“….more than a feeling….more than a feeling! till I see my Marianne walkin away…..heeey ahhhh….”
C’mon! Clap along with me!
mistyslaws
October 11, 2013
You shall never need a paternity test . . . these are clearly your spawn. What is their blog name, so I can go read up on their antics?
The Good Greatsby
October 11, 2013
They’ve repeatedly asked if they can start a blog but I don’t want to compete with them for material. I’m afraid they’ll start saving their best stories and funniest lines for their own blog and half my blog material will dry up.
longislandpen
October 11, 2013
Who does OP and the Fonz take after? How do you handle your children when they are smarter and more mature than you?
The Good Greatsby
October 11, 2013
The Fonz is smarter than OP and I. OP is more ethical than I am and we’re both more ethical than The Fonz.
architect of the jungle
October 11, 2013
This was pretty funny. Love the part about teaching your little optimist to be responsible in private. That’s always been my personal definition of classy.
The Good Greatsby
October 11, 2013
He could at least pretend to go along with the crowd a bit more. He doesn’t yet understand it’s okay to lie and say he likes Big Bang Theory just to fit in.
architect of the jungle
October 11, 2013
Your child’s latent interest in the natural childhood use of duplicity is mildly alarming, no doubt about it, but there are things you and his mother can and should do. Remember, you’ve got to speak his language. For instance, you say “lie”. How about you up your game with a few more syllables. Why not try “prevaricate”. If your son has already learned to distrust large words, or puffed up language in general, as idealists often do, I fear the unique remedy for his condition will be much more complex and protracted. He may require professional help. You may need to adjust your expectations. He might never be as classy as you or his mother. That will be his own burden.
dentaleggs
October 11, 2013
May many young men follow OP’s view of John Lennon — he beat the crap out of his first wife.
The Good Greatsby
October 11, 2013
He was a truly terrible human being, but don’t get me started. Okay, maybe just a small start. No, I really shouldn’t. Except for one small thing…you know what, nevermind. I’ll think about it.
dentaleggs
October 11, 2013
I hear you.
She's a Maineiac
October 11, 2013
47% less perverted. haha!
Well, after reading about OP and seeing the Fonz’s detailed chart I’m shocked these are your boys, because they seem absolutely nothing like their dad.
Also, I had a very hard time getting past his assessment of John Lennon. He’s got a point but I chose to ignore it. I just remembered Paul was responsible for Wings.
The Good Greatsby
October 11, 2013
I’ll never forgive Paul McCartney for Wonderful Christmas Time. The fact that he released that atrocity on the world retroactively tarnishes the artistic merits of everything he did as a Beatle. I labored to make this important point in one of my very first posts: Larry King Septuagenarian Hipster Genius
Please read it and leave a comment. I felt it deserved more love.
She's a Maineiac
October 11, 2013
You don’t have to ask me twice. I’m a huge Beatles fan and I have to admit something. There were even a few Beatles tunes Paul was behind that I wasn’t too thrilled about. But I listened to them anyway because of my undying love for John and George.
mikesteeden
October 11, 2013
May youngest son – for all intents and purposes an adult (just) is more like Peter Pan in his desire not to grow up – ’tis interesting reading the opposite take. Good piece and one I enjoyed having just got into this ‘blog’ thing (still cannot work out all the things you have to ‘click’ on) I am pleased to have found this one.
Is Everyone an Idiot but Me?
October 12, 2013
Haha that is hilarious, what a cool kid
MakeWayForLindaJ
October 12, 2013
Ah, the classic first child, type A personality – I’ve got one of those too. OP might mellow a bit with age like mine has. My daughter is in high school now (14yrs. old), and at least I no longer need to use defibrillator paddles on her when she gets anything below an “A” in class.
Baby steps…..
The Good Greatsby
October 12, 2013
I never expected to have a kid that got such good grades. When I was a kid I thought I was smarter than other kids but I also thought I was smarter than other adults, including teachers.
Fresh Ginger
October 12, 2013
It’s tough to be a Prime. There’s a lot responsibility and honor. Plus, you are always saving Cybertron or fighting UltraMagnus/Megatron/Predacon and the like. It’s good to see that he is going to be 1% more sexy. (not sure if that’s allowed in the Prime handbook, though)
The Good Greatsby
October 12, 2013
It’s going to be tough convincing him to do all that work to increase in sexiness by just 1%.
Laura
October 12, 2013
At first I thought “oh, how sweet — The Fonz doesn’t think his brother has ever been anything less than cool”. But then I noticed that “cool” is only 30-40 out of 100.
The Good Greatsby
October 12, 2013
‘Cool’ sure doesn’t mean what it used to. I blame adjective inflation for deflating its worth over time.
Carlos Pimenta
October 12, 2013
Reblogged this on Blog do Pimenta.
silkpurseproductions
October 12, 2013
The Fonz is quite clever in realizing you are not getting through to OP with your agenda and offering you visual aids to work with. You should start with the visual aids next time.
You definitely the right balance between the two kids for smarts, ethics and entertainment value.
Phil Taylor
October 12, 2013
He is going to kick ass as an adult.
icescreammama
October 12, 2013
seems like a amazing case of nature vs nurture. we just don’t know who we’re going to pop out.
Snoring Dog Studio
October 12, 2013
OMG. You killed me on this one. Your Fonz is a force to be reckoned with. Brilliance.
ashley828
October 12, 2013
I feel like OP is just like I was when I was a kid.
sophpearl
October 13, 2013
What a great post – so hilarious! If I were a kid, I’d follow OP and Fonz 75% of the time because they clearly know what’s up!
List of X
October 14, 2013
The fact that Fonz is doing re-branding campaigns at age 9 worries me much more that any of Optimist Prime’s behavior.
The Good Greatsby
October 14, 2013
And branding himself as the kid who rebrands other kids is kind of like his own rebranding.
zannyro
October 15, 2013
Am I the only one who noticed that in the bottom image it is startlingly apparent that your son is a chip of the old “block”. My oldest used to lay on the floor in gym class and stare at the ceiling…..and he turned out just fine…well…sort of…but he’s VERY smart.
pegoleg
October 15, 2013
“release date: Monday” is perfect. Absolutely perfect. And if that’s an accurate portrait that The Fonz drew of his brother, I’d say Optimist Prime is smart to work so hard on trying to be taken seriously and not come across like a, er, a clown.
The Good Greatsby
October 16, 2013
That’s exactly what Optimist Prime looks like. My wife says we should be more worried about OP being made from squiggly lines and misshapen proportions but I think he’ll grow out of it.
PinotNinja
October 15, 2013
38% more classy? Who would have thunk the undercover adult secretly had a penchant for pork rinds, COPS, and trucker hats?
The Good Greatsby
October 18, 2013
I think he could achieve that 38% classiness increase just by tucking in his shirt once in a while and wiping his mouth after he eats.
edwardcatflap
October 16, 2013
Respect to that kid. Also, I’m a new follower and have roughly two minutes of familiarity with your work, if you really named your kid Optimist Prime both he and you have won at life.
Nicole
October 16, 2013
Everything about this story is brilliant! From OP’s reading books that I wouldn’t even consider all the way down to The Fonz’s chart. Thank you.
Spectra
October 23, 2013
The important thing here is that the Fonz chose a box with breathing holes in it to stick over his head. Proves he’s got that ‘survival of the fittest’ gene in him.
The Good Greatsby
October 26, 2013
That’s an interesting point I overlooked. Putting a bucket over your head may seem to signal defeat, but the air holes indicate he has some hope for the future.
Binky
October 24, 2013
Immature kids are the leading cause of childhood.
The Good Greatsby
October 26, 2013
I might steal that line.
James Thorne
January 1, 2014
That is a truly genius line.
James Thorne
January 1, 2014
I really identify with OP, when I was young I had similar tendencies if not even more pronounced. I had hardly any friends that were not at least twenty years older than me, and most of them were retired. Far from it being a bad thing I learned a lot more about life and every area of knowledge than any of my classmates have to this day. True I had a mostly miserable childhood, but that was due to my own lack of social skills with people who couldn’t speak in sentences containing words with more than two syllables in them, or who did not know what peripheral-vision meant.
HoaiPhai
January 6, 2014
Optimist Prime seems to be going down the wrong path. How is he going to be part of the herd and assert himself as a bully and be able to choose from among all his classmates’ lunches for the best of the best with an attitude like that? I guess that’s what you get when you look up to people like Paul McCartney. Do you really want the type of woman Paul McCartney hangs out with as a daughter-in-law? If not, you had better do something, and fast! I suggest you start packing his lunchbox with half-rations of stuff he doesn’t like and buy him a a good pair of steel-toed fighting shoes.
thekellygeorge
May 18, 2014
Awesome post. You had me at Optimist Prime. And frankly, Lennon was a jackass. 🙂
Ellie Lawson
July 1, 2014
Love it. Love your writing. Love your wit. Pretty sure our boys were separated at birth. And for extra gratification, like you need it, I broke my don’t comment on people’s about pages rule.