The Average Person wondered about my list of things I still wanted to do before death. I was assisted in answering her question by my personal assistant Ken, who took time from his busy schedule of not having a girlfriend.
Dear Good Greatsby,
Having had a lucky escape, I decided to write a bucket List. And I was wondering what would be on your bucket list?
Thanks
The Average Person
Dear Average Person,
Paul: Some people like the idea of living their lives like they might die tomorrow. I try and live my life like I might be arrested tomorrow. Before I go to bed each night, I dust my house for fingerprints, and I swallow an entire pack of cigarettes so they’ll be available to me the next day in prison since cigarettes are like currency. I don’t smoke, but the pack of cigarettes will come in handy to trade for some contraband Pepto-Bismol to relieve the symptoms of eating a pack of cigarettes.
Rather than thinking of things I want to accomplish before death, I think more about what people will say about me after I’m gone. After I’m dead, I sure hope when people talk about me, they’ll say, “Can you believe how much change they found in that guy’s stomach? Must have been $15.00 in there.”
As readers may have gathered from my smoking jacket, I’ve already accomplished a great deal in life, but there are still a few things I’d like to accomplish:
I want to cost the Boston Red Sox the World Series by allowing an easy grounder to roll through my legs.
I want to be adopted by Angelina Jolie.
I want to be kicked in the face during a karate tournament by a pluckish teen I’d been bullying.
I want to be sexually harassed by Herman Cain.
I want to take one of those private two hour flights into space, fall asleep immediately upon takeoff, and when we return to earth ask the other passengers, “What did I miss?”
I want to enter a talent contest in hopes of winning a cash prize to save a break-dance studio for disadvantaged youth, and my wife will say I can’t do it, and when I’m first on stage my voice will be really weak and I’ll sing poorly, but suddenly a beautiful voice is heard from the back of the audience and everyone turns to look and it’s my wife, and she starts to walk towards the stage and as we sing together my voice becomes stronger, and then suddenly an even more beautiful voice is heard from the back of the audience and everyone turns to look and it’s Zooey Deschanel, and she walks right past my wife and Zooey and I sing the most beautiful duet together and win the talent contest.
By the way, congratulations on your lucky escape! Multiple times today I had the good luck of avoiding danger completing and not even requiring a lucky escape, which I guess kind of trumps your luck, but who’s counting? Except for me when I counted just then.
Ken: Every day of my employment with Paul I’ve thought about a bucket list. Not my bucket list, but his. I’m not saying I’m rooting for something to happen to Paul, but I’m not not saying that either. I assume Paul set unrealistic bucket list goals as a superstitious way of warding off death and that’s why I’ve encouraged him to set more realistic goals because there’s a superstitious part of me that thinks if I can get him to do everything on the list, something might actually happen to Paul. I wrote the following bucket list on a Post-It and stuck it to his computer:
Answer one phone call from his mother without handing me the phone and begging, “Please, please, please pretend you’re me.”
Give money to beggars instead of taking it.
Stop eating change.
Do you have a question for The Good Greatsby?
Submit your questions on the Dear Good Greatsby page.
The Good Greatsby 
Laura
November 16, 2011
This is much better than my bucket list, which is just a list of every bucket I’ve ever encountered. I think I may be doing it wrong.
The Good Greatsby
November 16, 2011
I also misunderstand on my first draft and made a list of fancy buckets I’d like to own before dying.
Bridgesburning Chris King
November 16, 2011
Ken is lovely..concise and direct..but do watch him and don’t sign any papers he may ask you to sign in haste especially if they look legal willish…now love your list but must ask about Zooey…is it that you just like saying Zooey?
Ape No. 1
November 16, 2011
Aside from wanting to be adopted by Mr Myagi to travel with him on a space flight jet solving crime and seeing Herman Caine during a singing competition get kicked in the face by Angelina Jolie wearing red socks, our lists are essentially identical.
daisyfae
November 16, 2011
you’re not planning on taking ken to prison with you? then you wouldn’t need to eat the change and cigarettes…
pegoleg
November 16, 2011
That’s what I was thinking. You could just exchange Ken for favors.
Kathryn McCullough
November 16, 2011
I don’t have a bucket list. Does that mean death is imminent?
Snoring Dog Studio
November 16, 2011
I know that I should have a bucket list. It’s all the rage. But, geez, if I put stuff in it then I’d have to accomplish each one! The pressure! It’s too much. I have a thimble list.
The Good Greatsby
November 17, 2011
I feel making a bucket list is like placing an order for death.
Snoring Dog Studio
November 18, 2011
Exactly! That’s exactly how I feel! Why you might as well make the last item on the list: “Purchase Burial Plot.”
prettyfeetpoptoe
November 16, 2011
I don’t have a bucket list, but only because i don’t like the word “bucket”. It reminds me of a very promiscuous woman’s anatomy and on that basis, I would rather it be called a “hippo’s yawn list.”
The Good Greatsby
November 17, 2011
I’m not sure I could see “hippo’s yawn list” catching on.
prettyfeetpoptoe
November 17, 2011
It would in some of the bars I’ve been to in rural areas.
thoughtsappear
November 16, 2011
“I want to be adopted by Angelina Jolie.”— I almost added this to mine, but then I realized since she already has a million kids, I wouldn’t get enough attention.
The Good Greatsby
November 17, 2011
Maybe she wouldn’t pay me much attention if I were only one of her million kids but she doesn’t pay me much attention now so it’s a chance I’m willing to take.
becomingcliche
November 16, 2011
On my bucket list is, well, an actual bucket. One with no holes and no nasty soap scum that will kill my fish if I use it to do water changes in my aquarium. One that is all mine, that I don’t have to share with any kid volunteering for a school car wash fund-raiser thingie. If it could be blue, that would be awesome.
The Good Greatsby
November 17, 2011
For all this talk of bucket lists I realized I don’t own a single bucket. How successful could I be if I don’t own a single bucket?
Lenore Diane
November 16, 2011
“As readers may have gathered from my smoking jacket, I’ve already accomplished a great deal in life,….” Hilarious! Most certainly, your smoking jacket is a clear indication that you’ve already accomplished great things, GG.
The Good Greatsby
November 17, 2011
Nobody else I know owns a smoking jacket so I’m ready to tally it as a significant achievement.
toosoxy
November 16, 2011
the first item on your bucket list made me laugh out loud.
k8edid
November 16, 2011
I don’t have a bucket list, but I did write a post about 25 things I intend to avoid in this lifetime. More like a F*@k it List…http://k8edid.wordpress.com/2011/08/12/25-things-to-avoid-in-this-life-time/?preview=true&preview_id=226&preview_nonce=f5edd81cc3
susielindau
November 16, 2011
I would love to be a dead person on Castle. I think I would be good at just lying there, trying not to breath. Looking dead is easy too since make-up artists could just add a little something to the circles under my eyes…
The Good Greatsby
November 17, 2011
I had a friend who was a dead body on a TV show. I’m not sure whether it was on his bucket list or not.
thelifeofjamie
November 16, 2011
Meeting the Good Greatsby is on my bucket list. That’s all. Nothing else.
The Good Greatsby
November 17, 2011
I tried to convince my wife that her meeting me should have fulfilled all her life goals but she wasn’t convinced.
gerknoop
November 17, 2011
It’s on my bucket list to be a millionaire by next week. Pretty sure I can pull that off…yeah…I’m pretty sure.
mistyslaws
November 17, 2011
Now, does this have to be printed on an actual bucket? Because that would be crucial to my decision on how much to actually list based on space availability of the bucket and size of said bucket. I feel I need a greater depth of information before I just go out willy nilly and make up a list that I might then have to either expand or limit based on capacity issues. Please advise.
The Good Greatsby
November 17, 2011
The list doesn’t have to be printed on an actual bucket, but it is customary to store your list in the fanciest, most expensive bucket you can find.
robshep
November 17, 2011
I want them to make a movie featuring your bucket list. That would be a most excellent film.
John Erickson
November 17, 2011
I fully support procrastination. Therefore, the first thing on my bucket list is to set out to make a bucket list. I never have gotten around to a second item…..
Luda
November 17, 2011
The #1 item on my bucket list is to get people to stop using the term ‘bucket list’. I really think we can come up with something better than that. Something more creative. Like a ‘picture frame list’ or maybe a ‘blade of grass’ list? Just thinking aloud here. Don’t judge me.
The Good Greatsby
November 17, 2011
We just don’t come into contact with buckets very much anymore. I can’t remember the last time I even saw a bucket, let alone kicked one.
Leanne Shirtliffe
November 17, 2011
I want to adopt Brad Pitt. I need a nanny.
Angie Z.
November 17, 2011
Where did this whole bucket list concept even come from? Jack Nicholson? I never heard of it before that movie and now it’s like the cat’s pajamas to make one. They’re getting to be like social security numbers — soon you will have to have one in order to legally reside in the country.
The bit about Zooey and your wife was dreadfully evil in a brilliantly funny type of way.
Carl D'Agostino
November 17, 2011
Ironic the last thing on bucket list is kick it.
pattisj
November 18, 2011
Do you think the fact that my husband recently purchased a bucket for me has a negative connotation?
shreejacob
November 18, 2011
I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a bucket list..guess we learn something useful everyday huh?
I’m going to think up of a bucket list now..
Dana
November 18, 2011
Best Bucket List ever. I hereby nominate your list to be featured in the sequel to the original Bucket List movie. It will be one of the only times a sequel outperforms the original film, I’m sure.
The Hook
November 19, 2011
I really need a smoking jacket….
flippingchannels
November 21, 2011
You should get Ken a bowtie. Next to your smoking jacket his outfit really needs classing up.
duckofindeed
November 22, 2011
The only thing on my bucket list was to play Final Fantasy VII, and I recently did that. I guess I have nothing left to do. …I have a lot of time left….