World leaders across the globe cancelled government business as planet Earth awaits news of whether Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore will split up. Barack Obama plans to address the nation this evening to discuss signs the couple may be calling it quits, including reports Ashton was caught cheating last weekend during his sixth year wedding anniversary. Even more telling, the frequent Twitter contributing couple have brought all tweets to a standstill, depriving the public of vital Dashton information such as song recommendations, the latest juice cleanses, and forwards of important political articles they haven’t read.
If more tweets don’t come soon, the federal government may intervene and supply the emergency robotic Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore to provide the tweets so many people depend on to give their life meaning. Federal negotiators have been sent to try and talk the couple into reconciling or at the very least, pretending to reconcile and continue tweeting for a year while the government finds a replacement power couple to give the masses hope.
Because so many readers depend on my blog as their sources of breaking news, I plan headlines for big stories before the outcome has been revealed, meaning I need a headline ready to go at a moment’s notice whether they stay together or split up. 
If they end up splitting, here are my current headlines playing on Demi Moore’s best movies:
Demi Moore Seeks a Few Good Men After Kutcher Split
Kutcher Kicked to Curb After Moore Discovers Last Weekend’s Indecent Proposal
Splitsville for Kutcher and Moore After Kutcher Affair Disclosure
Kutcher Dumped After Moore Asks About Last Night
Moore Spends Weekend Alone After Split; Watches St. Elmo’s Fire on Cable (Had a hard time making that one fit the circumstances)
Kutcher Cheats on Moore; Moore Kills Kutcher; Kutcher Comes Back as Ghost; Moore Kills Kutcher’s Ghost
If they get back together, I’ll make headlines using titles from Kutcher’s good movies:
?
Having a bit of trouble, maybe I’ll use Ashton’s TV shows instead. Any headline suggestions using That ’70s Show, Punk’d, or Two and a Half Men will be welcomed.
Here are the obligatory headlines exploiting the eighteen year age difference between the pair:
Moore Seeks Divorce After Kutcher Caught Cheating Past His Bedtime
Kutcher and Moore Reconcile After Kutcher Agrees to Trial Grounding
Moore Devastated to Learn Kutcher Has Found Another Woman to Buy Him Alcohol
Kutcher Caught Cheating When Moore Returns Home Early to Tiny Fort Built From Pillows
The Good Greatsby 
educlaytion
September 30, 2011
Honestly, I’m not sure western civilization can survive this one. But could you imagine sending Demi into a rage? She actually might kill him, so I vote for the Ghost headline. I’m sure Whoopi can get involved and take the opportunity to rant about something political she doesn’t understand.
The Good Greatsby
October 1, 2011
Demi seems like she would have a temper, especially if she felt she was being disrespected by some kid eighteen years her junior.
nancyfrancis
September 30, 2011
Demi throws in the towel after her attempt at instituting a mandatory Nap Time fails to lessen Kutcher’s afternoon tantrums.
The Good Greatsby
October 1, 2011
Who doesn’t get a little cranky in the afternoons? The mandatory nap time sounded like a great compromise by Demi but it seems he wasn’t ready to meet her half way.
randomlychad
September 30, 2011
Those were great headlines, but you missed a golden opportunity:
Trying to reconcile, Moore offers Kutcher a Striptease; Kutcher too “tired.”
The Good Greatsby
October 1, 2011
Well done. I did want to use Striptease, but I was trying to limit myself to Moore’s good movies.
randomlychad
October 2, 2011
There is that. But, still, you could’ve worked a little Wisdom in there somewhere.
😉
mistyslaws
September 30, 2011
While Kutcher claims he has needs like any “Man,” Moore revels to public that he is more “half man.” (eh, that wasn’t very good).
Moore walks in on Kutcher with another woman, however, Kutcher tries to explain affair as elaborate joke filmed for Punk’d 2; Moore skeptical when seeing only 1 camera hiding in vent.
Kutcher tries to fall back on “it happened in Vegas” rule; Moore tells him to stay there, then.
Kutcher begs Moore for forgiveness as affair had “No Strings Attached;” says Moore is his only love.
Kutcher claims that sharing of cookies at snack time just went too far.
Redneckprincess
September 30, 2011
Kutcher Caught Cheating When Moore Returns Home Early to Tiny Fort Built From Pillows…
by far my favorite 🙂
HoaiPhai
October 10, 2011
I agree!
Brown Road Chronicles
September 30, 2011
Perhaps the single Ms. Moore could be your next Friday Love Letter.
limr
September 30, 2011
Wait, they’ve been married 6 whole years? That’s like 47 years in Hollywood couple years! If they split now, it would be like…like…oh who am I kidding, I couldn’t give four flying frogs.
The Good Greatsby
October 1, 2011
They were together a few years before the marriage as well, so kudos to both for sticking it out so long.
Amy
September 30, 2011
Kutcher asks, “Dude, Where’s My Car?” Bruce Willis laughs saying, “This is your first divorce, isn’t it?”
Lenore Diane
October 1, 2011
Amy! That is HILARIOUS!!!
Amy
October 1, 2011
Lenore, is my mom paying you? Cause if she is, please ask her for a raise.
She's a Maineiac
September 30, 2011
Demi Wants Moore than Half a Man
St. Elmo’s Fire Star Not Enough Woman For Elmo’s Biggest Fan
Demi Demands More Man, Less Punk
Kutcher Leaves Moore Note Scrawled in Crayon: I’m running away! Don’t even bother looking for me! This time I mean it. I’ll be living down the street at the playground, if you want to bring me some extra sandwiches and a juice box. But I still hate you forever and ever and ever!
limr
October 1, 2011
Love ’em!
Lenore Diane
October 1, 2011
Nicely done, Darla!
PCC Advantage
September 30, 2011
Demi Moore gets “Punk’d” when Kutcher is caught cheating with “Two and a Half Men” (pretty sure that one is accurate)
thelifeofjamie
September 30, 2011
I would give him the Guardian…
Demi remains The Guardian for Kutcher.
But that’s all. He’s a pretty face but extremely annoying. He should stick to Punk’d
prttynpnk
September 30, 2011
I’m too busy lighting candles and praying to come up with headlines. If these two can’t make it, what can the rest of us hope for?? This is even more upsetting than Drew Barrymore and Tom Greens inexplicable seperation.
gojulesgo
September 30, 2011
1.) I do rely on you as my source of breaking news. Also, Perez Hilton.
2.) You’re never too old for pillow forts. Never.
3.) Do you want to come over and build a pillow fort?
spilledinkguy
September 30, 2011
Can’t type right now…
the tears…
THE TEARS!
The Good Greatsby
October 1, 2011
You’ve got to be strong. Whenever you start to feel down, just remember Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are still together.
randomlychad
October 1, 2011
Dear Mr. Greatsby,
I hope you don’t mind, but you were my muse today:
http://randomlychad.com/2011/09/kutcher-moore-ripped-from-the-headlines.html
John Erickson
October 1, 2011
I’ll vote for the “Ghost” headline. The less Kutcher, the better.
Spectra
October 1, 2011
“Moore Devastated to Learn Kutcher Has Found Another Woman to Buy Him Alcohol”
And she was delivering it directly to his pillow fort! How ungrateful! He’ll never find another mommy to do that for him. He is soooo Bi-Losing!
The Good Greatsby
October 1, 2011
He’ll miss her next weekend when he throws a party in his tiny pillow fort and can’t supply his guests with any booze.
monicastangledweb
October 1, 2011
I’m shocked. Absolutely shocked. Their’s seemed a marriage that would last forever, so this is shocking and tragic. I’m waiting for the TV movie to get all the details.
Hippie Cahier
October 1, 2011
The real tragedy here is that Moore is quoting Epictetus without properly citing her source and, I’m guessing, obtaining copyright permission.
“Kutcher emerges from marital cocoon, prepares to experience Butterfly Effect.” I don’t know what the means, either.
pegoleg
October 1, 2011
Moore dumps Kutcher after she snuggled up behind him in bed, said “Guess Who”, and he got it wrong.
randomlychad
October 2, 2011
I like this! My take, and this goes way back, is:
Moore asks Kutcher “Guess Who?” Screams “Here’s Demi!”
absence of Alternatives
October 1, 2011
Thanks for this! You are better than NPR because they failed to inform me of this important update. The only thing that could have made this surprising would be if Ashton cheated on Semi with one of her daughters…
The other shoe has finally dropped. Now who are we older aspiring ladies going to look up to? Betty White sounds good right now.
Beach Bum
October 1, 2011
Never liked that Kutcher puke. I secretly prayed that he get his butt kicked by one of the people he messed with on his show.
Now, I expect Bruce Willis could appear behind him at any moment loaded for bear seeking revenge for Demi whispering yippee-ki-yay, moth…. with poor Ashton peeing in his expensive pants.
Lenore Diane
October 1, 2011
Where is Jimmy Carter? Where is Bill Clinton? Surely the could mediate and bring these two people back together again.
The question mark after Kutcher’s good movies killed me dead. Ha’larious. Seriously.
ryoko861
October 1, 2011
Actually, I find this to be hilarious! Hollywood’s best loved couple. He’s young enough to be her son. And it was suppose to last?
You’re kidding me, right?
It’s amazing what money and fame do to a person.
Bridgesburning Chris King
October 1, 2011
He is a boy toy… having had my share..toys only lasts long..
pattisj
October 1, 2011
Who didn’t see this coming six years ago?
barkinginthedark
October 1, 2011
i agree. VERY important earth shattering revelations here.
Renee Schuls-Jacobson
October 2, 2011
I, too, am devastated. I thought this was a joke until I stood in the grocery store today. I am off to wrap up in a blanket and have a good cry.
thoughtsappear
October 4, 2011
Surely you can come up with something for “Dude, Where’s My Car?” Not that I’ve ever seen it……
HoaiPhai
October 10, 2011
How about ” ‘Nothing but Trouble’ for Ashton and Demi”?