World leaders across the globe cancelled government business as planet Earth awaits news of whether Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore will split up. Barack Obama plans to address the nation this evening to discuss signs the couple may be calling it quits, including reports Ashton was caught cheating last weekend during his sixth year wedding anniversary. Even more telling, the frequent Twitter contributing couple have brought all tweets to a standstill, depriving the public of vital Dashton information such as song recommendations, the latest juice cleanses, and forwards of important political articles they haven’t read.
If more tweets don’t come soon, the federal government may intervene and supply the emergency robotic Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore to provide the tweets so many people depend on to give their life meaning. Federal negotiators have been sent to try and talk the couple into reconciling or at the very least, pretending to reconcile and continue tweeting for a year while the government finds a replacement power couple to give the masses hope.
Because so many readers depend on my blog as their sources of breaking news, I plan headlines for big stories before the outcome has been revealed, meaning I need a headline ready to go at a moment’s notice whether they stay together or split up.
If they end up splitting, here are my current headlines playing on Demi Moore’s best movies:
Demi Moore Seeks a Few Good Men After Kutcher Split
Kutcher Kicked to Curb After Moore Discovers Last Weekend’s Indecent Proposal
Splitsville for Kutcher and Moore After Kutcher Affair Disclosure
Kutcher Dumped After Moore Asks About Last Night
Moore Spends Weekend Alone After Split; Watches St. Elmo’s Fire on Cable (Had a hard time making that one fit the circumstances)
Kutcher Cheats on Moore; Moore Kills Kutcher; Kutcher Comes Back as Ghost; Moore Kills Kutcher’s Ghost
If they get back together, I’ll make headlines using titles from Kutcher’s good movies:
Having a bit of trouble, maybe I’ll use Ashton’s TV shows instead. Any headline suggestions using That ’70s Show, Punk’d, or Two and a Half Men will be welcomed.
Here are the obligatory headlines exploiting the eighteen year age difference between the pair:
Moore Seeks Divorce After Kutcher Caught Cheating Past His Bedtime
Kutcher and Moore Reconcile After Kutcher Agrees to Trial Grounding
Moore Devastated to Learn Kutcher Has Found Another Woman to Buy Him Alcohol
Kutcher Caught Cheating When Moore Returns Home Early to Tiny Fort Built From Pillows