Dear Good Greatsby: Help! I Was Born With a Siamese Nostril!

Posted on September 28, 2011


Today’s question comes from HoaiPhai, who sent me a question during pollen season regarding pollen season.  Although pollen season has probably passed (I can’t say for sure because I can’t find pollen season on any official calendar and until I experience hay fever I have to say it certainly sounds like an old wives’ tale), I’m sure the fake pollen season will come again and I want to do my best to prepare HoaiPhai for next year.

Today’s guest panelist will be my mom who has promised not to express any disappointment in me and will attempt to answer the question without trying to make it a thinly veiled judgment of my life choices.

Dear Dear Good Greatsby et al,

I was born with what the doctors call a Siamese nostril (like two normal nostrils fused into one giant consolidated nostril) and now it’s pollen season. I used to get my nasal spray from the same company that used to supply Karl Malden, but now they’ve gone out of business. Can you help me?


Dear HoaiPhai,

Paul: First of all, you say doctors diagnosed you with only one nostril, but have you confirmed this by obtaining a second opinion from another doctor?  Doctors aren’t perfect and can make mistakes, like the doctor in my fantasy football league who every year makes the mistake of picking at least one running back who has retired.  Make sure you confirm the diagnosis right away, or if money is too tight to see a doctor, you could just look in the mirror.

Another question: Are you certain hay fever produces real symptoms and isn’t just in your mind?  Have you tried the power of positive thinking by repeating to yourself, “Don’t have hay fever”?  This is the same method I used to rid myself of cabin fever and Bieber fever.

If hay fever really does exist, forget using a fancy nasal spray; here’s a cheap home remedy for eliminating unwanted pollen from your nasal passages using a method similar to that employed by mother nature for dispersing pollen: When bees collect nectar from flower, pollen sticks to their legs and is then distributed to other flowers.  If you cover your face with nectar, you might achieve a similar result when bees land on your face to collect the nectar and remove the pollen from your nose when they fly away.

A negative side effect of the Nectar Face Method is the high quantity of bee stings on your face as well as the social isolation from fair-weathered friends who won’t invite someone with bees swarming his face to a neighborhood barbecue.  If you’re concerned with the swelling of the face, make sure the nectar is distributed evenly so all areas of your face will receive bee venom in equal proportion so your swelling will appear symmetrical.

And don’t worry about the loss of social invitations;  as my mom was fond of saying, “If they laugh because bees are covering your face, they’re not good friends.”

If your worry stems from the pain accompanying bee stings more than the swelling or social isolation, you may want to weigh whether the discomfort of thirty bee stings on your face is worse than the discomfort of fake hay fever symptoms.

Paul’s mom: I don’t remember saying, “If they laugh because bees are covering your face, they’re not good friends.”  I do remember saying you should try beekeeping in an effort to become more interesting and make more friends.

Paul: I had plenty of friends.  If anything. the beekeeping prevented me from making more friends because they were all afraid to visit our house.

Paul’s mom: I know you had friends, but I meant we wanted you to make good friends, handsome friends who were going places.  If dad were alive he’d tell you how many nights we stayed up late worrying about the ugly, ugly friends you were running around with.

Paul: But dad is alive.  I spoke with him this morning on Skype.  I could see you in the background.

Paul’s mom: I know he’s technically alive, but I meant he was dead inside because he’s so disappointed in your life choices, especially your choice of such ugly friends.

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