Today’s question comes from HoaiPhai, who sent me a question during pollen season regarding pollen season. Although pollen season has probably passed (I can’t say for sure because I can’t find pollen season on any official calendar and until I experience hay fever I have to say it certainly sounds like an old wives’ tale), I’m sure the fake pollen season will come again and I want to do my best to prepare HoaiPhai for next year.
Today’s guest panelist will be my mom who has promised not to express any disappointment in me and will attempt to answer the question without trying to make it a thinly veiled judgment of my life choices.
Dear Dear Good Greatsby et al,
I was born with what the doctors call a Siamese nostril (like two normal nostrils fused into one giant consolidated nostril) and now it’s pollen season. I used to get my nasal spray from the same company that used to supply Karl Malden, but now they’ve gone out of business. Can you help me?
HoaiPhai
Dear HoaiPhai,
Paul: First of all, you say doctors diagnosed you with only one nostril, but have you confirmed this by obtaining a second opinion from another doctor? Doctors aren’t perfect and can make mistakes, like the doctor in my fantasy football league who every year makes the mistake of picking at least one running back who has retired. Make sure you confirm the diagnosis right away, or if money is too tight to see a doctor, you could just look in the mirror.
Another question: Are you certain hay fever produces real symptoms and isn’t just in your mind? Have you tried the power of positive thinking by repeating to yourself, “Don’t have hay fever”? This is the same method I used to rid myself of cabin fever and Bieber fever.
If hay fever really does exist, forget using a fancy nasal spray; here’s a cheap home remedy for eliminating unwanted pollen from your nasal passages using a method similar to that employed by mother nature for dispersing pollen: When bees collect nectar from flower, pollen sticks to their legs and is then distributed to other flowers. If you cover your face with nectar, you might achieve a similar result when bees land on your face to collect the nectar and remove the pollen from your nose when they fly away.
A negative side effect of the Nectar Face Method is the high quantity of bee stings on your face as well as the social isolation from fair-weathered friends who won’t invite someone with bees swarming his face to a neighborhood barbecue. If you’re concerned with the swelling of the face, make sure the nectar is distributed evenly so all areas of your face will receive bee venom in equal proportion so your swelling will appear symmetrical.
And don’t worry about the loss of social invitations; as my mom was fond of saying, “If they laugh because bees are covering your face, they’re not good friends.”
If your worry stems from the pain accompanying bee stings more than the swelling or social isolation, you may want to weigh whether the discomfort of thirty bee stings on your face is worse than the discomfort of fake hay fever symptoms.
Paul’s mom: I don’t remember saying, “If they laugh because bees are covering your face, they’re not good friends.” I do remember saying you should try beekeeping in an effort to become more interesting and make more friends.
Paul: I had plenty of friends. If anything. the beekeeping prevented me from making more friends because they were all afraid to visit our house.
Paul’s mom: I know you had friends, but I meant we wanted you to make good friends, handsome friends who were going places. If dad were alive he’d tell you how many nights we stayed up late worrying about the ugly, ugly friends you were running around with.
Paul: But dad is alive. I spoke with him this morning on Skype. I could see you in the background.
Paul’s mom: I know he’s technically alive, but I meant he was dead inside because he’s so disappointed in your life choices, especially your choice of such ugly friends.
Do you have a question for The Good Greatsby?
Submit your questions on the Dear Good Greatsby page.
The Good Greatsby 
the master
September 28, 2011
Todd still hanging around then, is he?
Regarding the guy with the mononostril, a cheaper solution might be just to cellotape up the hole. This has the added advantage of preventing any unsightly mucous dribbling.
The Good Greatsby
September 29, 2011
My parents have never liked Todd. Actually I can’t think of many people who like Todd so you would expect him to be more appreciative of my friendship.
gerknoop
September 28, 2011
…..and I LOVE your Mom too! My kinda gal! LOLOLOL
H.E. ELLIS
September 28, 2011
Totally lost it at the ugly friends bit. Classic.
The Good Greatsby
September 29, 2011
I understand my parents just wanted the best for me and that included attractive friends, but they were still hard on me.
nancyfrancis
September 28, 2011
I’m completely distracted by thinking of other parts of my body that could be Siamese in nature… not going to get anywork done today!
The Good Greatsby
September 29, 2011
I can’t stop thinking about it either now that I know it’s something doctors say I should worry about.
pegoleg
September 28, 2011
The American Academy of Otolaryngology is consulting their attorneys about slapping you with a lawsuit for restraint of trade. (Not only that, Gilligan, but the ear, nose and throat docs are mad that you say there’s no hay fever!)
The Good Greatsby
September 29, 2011
Doctors have been trying to suppress the Nectar Face Method for years, but I will not be silenced.
spilledinkguy
September 29, 2011
Forget WebMD.
WebGG is where your diagnosis is at.
The Good Greatsby
September 29, 2011
I appreciate your confidence in my diagnosing ability, although I’m legally obligated to mention any positive results of my home remedies would be surprising.
Spectra
September 29, 2011
Obviously, if the AAO is going to slap Greatsby with a lawsuit, it is only to protect their financial interests until they can obtain a patent on The Nectar Face Method!
Soon, even dermatologists will be trying to ban the Nectar Face Method, for its negative effects of Botox sales and treatments. Getting Bees to directly sting your face to smooth out wrinkles with mild swellling…so much more affordable than those bitty tiny needles doctors use.
The Good Greatsby
September 29, 2011
And it’s all natural the way nature intended.
Lenore Diane
September 29, 2011
WebGG. Good one, SIG!
If only your Mom could hear Todd’s Mom talk about you. All Todd heard growing up was, “Why can’t you be more like Paul?” “Paul is so good to you.” “Why aren’t you as good looking as Paul?” “Paul…” “Paul…” “Paul….”
Kim Pugliano
September 29, 2011
My dad too is dead on the inside. And the outside. He’s just plain dead.
Invisible Mikey
September 29, 2011
I don’t know how you do it, Paul – and I LOVE that! I dissolved in a puddle over Hoai Phai (WiFi). I don’t always comment. I’m too busy laughing. But I read every post. It’s part of the morning coffee ritual.
torcon1
September 29, 2011
“I know he’s technically alive, but I meant he was dead inside because he’s so disappointed in your life choices….” – the perfect closer. I’m not worthy to read this post…..
John Erickson
September 29, 2011
With a mono-nostril, wouldn’t it be easier to rig a small nosemask? Keeps out pollen, keeps in snot, keeps out bees, keeps in soda or coffee accidentally expelled. What more could you ask for? 😉
Laura
September 29, 2011
I can’t believe that yet another week has gone by without you inviting me to be a guest panelist. Forget the bees — if someone has a Siamese nostril, the sensible approach is to hold a Siamese cat in front of it, and let the cat hair absorb any pollen.
Bearman
September 29, 2011
I should have hung out with more with ugly friends. They are all the ones with computer start ups.
Kathryn McCullough
September 29, 2011
But isn’t the human body basically Siamese in nature? Two arms, two legs, two nostils, in most cases, fused to the same body?
Amy
September 29, 2011
I think the politically-correct term is “conjoined nostril.”
Binky
September 29, 2011
Isn’t this condition what they designed those glasses & fake nose thing for? To make those people with malformed noses feel more normal.
stuffialmostbought
September 29, 2011
Did you really rid yourself of Bieber Fever? Come on – be honest. You know you wanna sing it… “And I was like baby, baby, baby, oh”
HoaiPhai
September 29, 2011
I would like to thank everyone for their kind comments and suggestions, and especially Mother Greatsby and her sage son. To clarify, I did see two doctors about this but they conslidated their medical expertise into one single report. At first the staff at the local clinic attributed my nasal drippage to cocaine addiction but just try sniffing anything with a mega-nostril — it’s sort of like drinking a grape soda with a toilet paper tube instead of with a straw… you just cannot get any “draw”. Long ago I stitched some window screening around my dear late Uncle Lethargic’s wedding band and placed it in my nostril to keep the bugs out, but since removing it to follow Dr. Greatsby’s advice, the bees and moths seem to be carrying a lot of pollen back to their hives and I’m feeling much better now! The swollen upper lip from the bee stings is a small price to pay for drying up the floodgates and it’s a wonderful to have people staring at my swollen upper lip instead of my uni-nostril for a change. Many, many thanks!
Ape No. 1
October 1, 2011
“two doctors” … “consolidated their medical advice into one single report”
Even your medical advice suffers from being Siamese. It seems to be a pretty severe case.
gojulesgo
September 29, 2011
Finally! A cure for Bieber fever! Good Greatsby, what would we do without you?
Hansi
September 29, 2011
Laughed my ass off.
Byron MacLymont
September 29, 2011
Bees can make wonderful friends, as long as you’re willing to do your part in hive work.
pattisj
September 30, 2011
Um, was your mom referring to your blog friends? I kinda picked up on a little snubbing.
m
October 2, 2011
My neighbor, a beekeeper, swears that eating honey made from nectar from indiginous (sp?) plants in your area will cure hay fever. I dont have hay fever, but the honey is good. Or maybe I don’t have hay fever because I eat the honey. Chicken/egg/chicken/egg…..
About the nostril thing, would you have to use your thumb or a plunger to pick your nose?
HoaiPhai
October 3, 2011
It depends… if I’m in a hurry I use a spatula.
John Erickson
October 3, 2011
Maybe an egg beater in a cordless power drill? That’d be FAST!
HoaiPhai
October 3, 2011
I’ve tried that but it doesn’t remove the blockage and just whips a lot of air into the fluids, resulting in a substance of the same consistency as cool-whip, only not with the same pleasing colour.