Shrimp on a Treadmill

Posted on August 25, 2011


A new partisan report on wasteful government spending knocked money allocated to science by highlighting $500,000 awarded to a study involving shrimp running on treadmills.  The director of the study defended the study by saying the shrimp on a treadmill was only one small part of the study and that portion only cost $1000.  Read the story here: Shrimp on a Treadmill

One important angle the media has failed to report is how cute this shrimp looks running on that mini treadmill.

If millions of people receive pleasure from watching this cute video, and it only cost $1000, this seems like a great return-on-investment.  Not only do I support this study of shrimp on treadmills, but I fully support increased funding to study shrimp on ellipticals and/or stairmasters.  I also wouldn’t mind seeing a shrimp using a weight machine as long as he doesn’t take long breaks between sets while he chats up the ladies even though other people are waiting to use the machine next and also as long as he wipes his machine of sweat when he’s finished.

If the government is willing to spend $1000 on this shrimp treadmill study, might it also invest $1000 in any of the following studies I’m hoping to conduct:

Why does toast fall butter-side down?  Is it possible butter and carpet are attracted to one another, either gravitationally or romantically?  Or is it possible to prove we’ve been looking at this all wrong and toast actually falls toast-side up?

Confirm or disprove the saying, “Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.”  I have a theory we might get wildly different results from analogue and digital watches.  I also have a hunch a stopped clock might be right three times a day during daylight savings. 

When athletes are interviewed and asked how they plan to win a game, and answer, “We’ve just got to want it more,” is it possible to give them electric shocks through my remote control? 

Instead of seeking intelligent life on other planets, let’s focus on confirming intelligent life on this planet.  After we locate those intelligent people, let’s find a way to send everyone else to those other planets.

Study brains of people who forward pictures of animals wearing clothing.  The study wouldn’t take long because I mostly just want to confirm the brains are there.

Has science proven the efficacy of the 10-second rule?  If you’re not familiar, this is the rule stating if you drop food on the floor, it doesn’t become contaminated with germs for a full 10 seconds.  I wonder if the rule is universally 10 seconds for all surfaces.  Tile?  Carpet?  Floorboard?  Pavement?  Lava?

When friends introduce a story by saying, “You’ll never believe what just happened,” I always do end up believing what just happened.  I’d like to study how to make friends who never say this or train my current friends not to say this or train myself to be more cynical and not believe anything.

Study funny cat reactions to cat calendars.

Study funny cat reactions to watching video of funny cat reactions to cat calendars.

Study human reactions to funny cat reactions to watching video of funny cat reactions to cat calendars. 

Posted in: Columns