If you’re anything like me, people fall in love with you a lot.
At first it was flattering–like twenty years ago–but I’m a man with places to go, people to see, compliments to receive, and I can’t be distracted three times a day trying to think of a polite response to a profession of love. “I don’t want to be rude, but I just met you and I’m not sure how to feel when you say ‘I love you’, and would you please either take my order or send another waitress over because I’m starving.”
How do you respond when someone says, “I love you,” but you’re not ready to say it back, maybe because you’ve only been on three dates, or maybe only one date, or maybe not even one date because he’s a parking garage attendant you’ve just met and he can’t find your car so the relationship is off to a rocky start?
Maybe you’ll never be in love with that person. Or maybe you might be in love, but you need more time to sort out your feelings. Or maybe you know you’re in love, but you don’t want to tell her until you’re certain the relationship has potential, and you won’t know the potential until you find out how much money her dad is worth. Don’t wait until that awkward ‘I love you’ moment to try and think of a convincing response. The longer you pause, the less convincing you’ll sound. I would suggest selecting one reply in advance from the following three categories:
Not Quite Ready to Say it Back
Never Going to Say it Back
Excuse Me, Who are You Again?
Not Quite Ready to Say it Back
1.
“I love you.”
“Shhh! Did you hear that?”
“What?”
“Shhh!”
“I don’t hear anyth–”
“Shhh!”
“But–”
“Shhh!”
(Opens mouth)
“Shhh!”
(Remains motionless)
“Shhh!”
2.
“I love you.”
“DID YOU SAY SOMETHING? DID I TELL YOU I WENT SWIMMING TODAY AND HAVE SWIMMER’S EAR? I CAN’T HEAR ANYTHING!”
3.
“I love you.”
“Are you sure it’s love you’re feeling? Maybe you’re just carsick. Let me roll down the windows for you.”
Never Going to Say it Back
1.
“I love you.”
“Thanks. I sure wish the scientists who created me had given me the ability to understand this human emotion, love.”
2.
“I love you.”
“So does my mom. Did I mention you really remind me of her? You two have so much in common, makes me wonder why she hates you. But you’ll have plenty of time to win her over when she comes and lives with us. Tomorrow.”
Not a good song. Or at least not a good song the second time you hear it.
3.
“I love you.”
“Uggh! I can’t believe you like that song.”
“What? What song?”
“Blue. You just said, ‘I love Blue.’ You mean the Eiffel 65 song Blue, right? That obnoxious Da Ba Dee song? Oh, that’s terrible!”
“No, I didn’t say Blue. I said I love–”
“We’re just too different! You liking that song really makes me realize we should break up.”
Excuse Me, Who are You Again?
1.
“I love you.”
“I’m sorry, did you say something? I couldn’t quite hear you over the voices whispering in my ear telling me to kill you.”
2.
“I love you”
“Oh, are we playing a rhyming game? I love to brew.”
‘I wasn’t suggesting a rhyming game.”
“But let’s play one, all the same.”
“I’m trying to say something serious.”
“Why are you being so mysterious?”
3.
“I love you.”
“What’s that behind you?”
“Nothing.”
“Oh, sorry. I guess I’m a little antsy ever since my stalker got out of prison. This is the exact same place he killed my last two boyfriends.”
And if you absolutely must say you’re in love with me, please do me a favor and say it to me in front of my wife and mention she’s very lucky.
The Good Greatsby 
Deborah
May 27, 2011
What would James Bond do?
ryoko861
May 27, 2011
ROFLMAO!!!! THAT’S GOOD!!!! High five!!!!
The Good Greatsby
May 27, 2011
What’s the classy way out of this situation?
Deborah
May 27, 2011
Bond to Miss Moneypenny:
“Would you settle for a tulip?”
(Diamonds are Forever)
lookmamaimcoding
May 10, 2013
Bond would get married to her and have her shot from the passenger side by a motorist. *Consipiracy*
carldagostino
May 27, 2011
Just say “Me too” and let them figure that out. You can also shuck it off politely by saying “You’ll have to take a number, Ha, ha” and ease yourself away to the bathroom for escape.
Matt @ The Church Of No People
May 27, 2011
“Me too,” is a great response, because you’re really saying, “”I love me too.” When they feel led on, just tell them they need to work on their grammar!
The Good Greatsby
May 28, 2011
And if she asks for an explanation of “Me too” I’ll just keep saying “Me too”.
SoundEagle
January 28, 2013
Ditto!
Hippie Cahier
May 27, 2011
I am more or less fond of you, in a manner that does not require Mrs. Greatsby to wield any sort of sharp or pointy objects in my presence. Now, would you like fries with that?
The Good Greatsby
May 28, 2011
I’m flattered…I think.
Mark Kaplowitz
May 27, 2011
That reminds of a Seinfeld episode, where George tells his girlfriend “I love you,” and he’s not sure if the reason she doesn’t say it back is because she’s doesn’t love him or because she didn’t hear him. So he tries it again, enunciating loud and clear, and she just says, “I know.”
educlaytion
May 28, 2011
Ross also had to deal with this on Friends when he told Emily he loved her. She said the old standby: Thank you. This response works especially well if you’re about to hop on a plane.
Tien
May 27, 2011
Have a good long weekend Paul. And I love yo…yoghurt 🙂
The Good Greatsby
May 28, 2011
If I couldn’t be the one, I’m glad it was yoghurt.
lifeintheboomerlane
May 27, 2011
You have reminded me of one of the worst things that ever happened to me. Being in that situation is horrible for me. Fifth grade. Larry Harnick kept leaving quarters on my desk to profess his love. I didn’t like him and I didn’t know what to do. It was horrible. Where were you then, oh Sage Wisdom Person? Oh wait, you weren’t born yet. PS That was the only time anyone ever gave me cashola to profess love. Unfortunately.
The Good Greatsby
May 28, 2011
If Larry was giving you money to profess his love, I would have suggested keeping quiet until you were certain he didn’t have any money left.
mangoseason
May 27, 2011
excuse me who are you again #3. That will definitely work for me.
thoughtsappear
May 27, 2011
I love #3 in the first two, but #2 is my favorite in the last one. Hilarious!
ryoko861
May 27, 2011
Look at it this way-life is short. If someone loves you, they want you to know how they feel about you because they could very well get hit by a flying brake drum (I swear that really did happen in my area this week while a guy was driving his van!!! He died. Very sad) while on their way home from work. If this person (I’m presuming it’s a female) didn’t tell you their true feelings for you, you would never had known how much they adored you and cherished you. And this person would have died never letting you know their true feelings for you.
Just give them a hug and say “That’s sweet”. I don’t think they expect you to love in return. If they do, they’re delusional. 🙂
At least people aren’t saying “You know, I really hate you!”. Wow, what a way to have your day ruined.
The Good Greatsby
May 28, 2011
I would tend to agree. I would rather have people say “I love you” than “I hate you”.
pearlsandprose
May 27, 2011
Then there’s always “THANK YOU!!”
Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson
May 27, 2011
Are you trying to tell me something? Because I feel like you are trying to tell me something. 😉
The Good Greatsby
May 28, 2011
Shhh!
frigginloon
May 27, 2011
My standard reaction is placing my hand to my forehead and making the “loser” sign
madtante
May 27, 2011
This is saying a lot about me but I always answer, “I love you, too!” but in a sing-song voice–like you’re talking to a 3yo…or a 3month old. From the look on their faces, they get it. “Oh, she doesn’t mean it.”
Nope. Surely don’t.
“I mean…in a perfect world where I had no intimacy issues, sure. Maybe I could learn to love you…maybe” isn’t a good answer, either.
The Good Greatsby
May 28, 2011
And maybe after saying, “I love you, too” in a baby talk voice you can tickle their tummy for good measure.
limr
May 27, 2011
““I’m sorry, did you say something? I couldn’t quite hear you over the voices whispering in my ear telling me to kill you.”
I wish I’d had this one in my arsenal for a few situations over the years. Instead, I settled for the, “No you don’t, stop being an idiot” response. Well, that wasn’t so much the type of response I used so much as they were my actual words. Hey, it got the message across!
The Good Greatsby
May 28, 2011
Very efficient. It’s hard to keep loving someone who calls you an idiot.
charlywalker
May 27, 2011
I love you………………..I’m speaking to your Blog.
Great Post!
Amy
May 27, 2011
Ha! I do that “shhhh” move on my husband all the time!
pegoleg
May 27, 2011
I LOVE that “shhhh” move! Especially if you accompany it by squeezing their lips closed, really hard
The Good Greatsby
May 28, 2011
When you say all the time do you really mean all the time? Is he ever allowed to speak?
thelifeofjamie
May 27, 2011
I had a boyfriend afflicted with this disease. He was able to spread his love to lots of other girls though (while we were together)
1.
“I love you.”
“Thanks. I sure wish the scientists who created me had given me the ability to understand this human emotion, love.”
The Good Greatsby
May 28, 2011
Some guys just have a lot of love to give. And they keep giving and giving and giving.
nancyfrancis
May 27, 2011
I would just run.
cooper
May 27, 2011
2.
“I love you.”
“So does my mom. Did I mention you really remind me of her? You two have so much in common, makes me wonder why she hates you. But you’ll have plenty of time to win her over when she comes and lives with us. Tomorrow.” Plus you should be able to take her since you’ve got about 30 pounds on her.
The Good Greatsby
May 28, 2011
And that extra 30 pounds is unfortunate because I was really hoping you and Mom could share clothes so she could teach you how to dress better.
beachesandpeaches
June 16, 2012
lol! i’m so using this. replacing mom with dad. (i’ve recently learned that guys are also sensitive about their weight).
Bearman
May 27, 2011
I said “Thank You” and she got the point.
Spectra
May 27, 2011
Online romances forbid some of these moves.
I find hitting that Esc button at the top left of my keyboard does the trick. Every time. Does that make me a coward?
Perhaps specific advice is due to online ‘friendships’ that morph into something romantic. For the person on the other side of the line. Or you can just keep asking them to send you stuff. (but then they have your address) If only I could get someone at the Hershey chocolate factory to online-love me…
O. Leonard
May 27, 2011
Yeah, right, “if you’re anything like me.” Thanks for the advice. I’ll keep the responses in mind if I ever need them. My problem was I always forced myself to say it back, probably a lot less convincing….come to think of it, I think Isaid it first all the time. I wish I could remember what they said in reponse.
Tori Nelson
May 27, 2011
So helpful. I wish you would’ve written this in my college years. The best I could come up with was a high-pitched, pose-as-a-question “NO?”
savesprinkles1234
May 28, 2011
This used to happen to me ALL of the time until I married my LL Bean model/ Army man of a husband. BUT, before he was there to shoo them away with a karate chop or quick slash of his Buck 110 Folding Hunter’s Knife ($34.95 +s&h), I would feign herpes. If I had read this 10 years ago, my reputation would still be intact.
Sidney
May 28, 2011
I just say, “Who doesn’t?”
Girly
May 28, 2011
I just try to leave bad impressions everywhere I go so I don’t have to deal with this… so far mission accomplished!!
(as she quietly turns off her computer and cries)
Laura
May 28, 2011
This was great! I lo — ummm, never mind.
Jillian Harvie
May 28, 2011
I still enjoy asking “why do you say that?”
Get a little ego rub and go on with my day.
However, I can only do this if the person is remotely do-able.
analyfe
May 28, 2011
This was wonderful! Feigning narcolepsy works, as does a sigh, follwed by “I’m sorry” and a pat on the back…you have of course told him about the last guy who said “I love you”. And as for the “I want to spend the rest of my life with you even though you’ve made it clear that you’re one “I love you” away from a restraining order” kind of person, call block and Facebook block can be your new best friends.
Rachael Black
May 28, 2011
Loved the stalker response as well as ‘I couldn’t quite hear you over the voices whispering in my ear telling me to kill you.”
Not that I’m bitter towards men (read: ex-husbands). It’s just that, well, it’s ,i>you I love.
On the negative side for you they’ve taken all my money and possessions in the divorces.
still….. NOTHING CAN STOP OUR LOVE!
Except perhaps a semi-automatic weapon. That might work.
Great piece. Loved it.
writerwoman61
May 28, 2011
I’ve been on the receiving end of your three stock phrases more times than I care to count…now, if you’ll excuse me, my boyfriends, Ben & Jerry, are calling me…
Wendy
The Good Greatsby
May 28, 2011
It’s their loss. And Ben & Jerry’s gain.
monicastangledweb
May 28, 2011
Ben & Jerry’s are mine! Care to double date?
Paige Kellerman
May 28, 2011
When I was in second grade, I mustered-up enough courage to tell my crush that I “loved him”. Direct eight- year-old, that he was, the object of my affection promptly punched me in the stomach…
There’s really no happy ending to that story, except that I learned to bob and weave a bit faster when it came to falling in love..
The Good Greatsby
May 28, 2011
Hard to understand why he considered your love a threat. Had your last five boyfriends disappeared mysteriously?
spilledinkguy
May 28, 2011
I see a whole G.G. ‘I’m just not that into you’ greeting card line…
🙂
The Good Greatsby
May 28, 2011
I’m applying for a copyright now.
educlaytion
May 28, 2011
I’m glad I’m not the only one who has to listen to these freaking professions of undying love and devotion everyday. Yeah, I get it world. You love me. From now on I’m just going to send them to you.
“You may think you love me” I’ll say, “but that’s only because you haven’t met Greatsby yet.” Then I’ll point and say, “he’s right behind you!” But really you’re not, and I’ll just run away.
monicastangledweb
May 28, 2011
What if it’s not you they love, but rather, your blog?
Because I’m head over heels smitten with your blog. You? I can take or leave. Just wondering if that’s acceptable.
Hi, I'm Natalie.
May 28, 2011
Is there no run-away-screaming option? (I once had someone tell me I had”beautiful eyes” on a first date. I almost choked on my salad.)
Sandi Ormsby
May 28, 2011
I have to share my REAL LIFE moment. I was dating a wonderful man for about 6 months-7months I was pretty certain he loved me…we spend nearly every day together and I stayed over his place. Good, good guy. My parents and friends loved him, he was set in his career…everything fine and dandy. He thought I was pretty special, so I felt confident in telling him I love him…pretty sure he was going to say it in return…
Well, he’s an honest man and he smiles at me really happily, and says “Thank you.”
So, I thought perhaps in the moment of confession, because he was smiling widely…that maybe he thought he said it back…so I said it again, and he said “Thank you.” again. No, that was deliberate.
It was so weird- no “we gotta have a talk…or where is this relationship going…” It was like it never happened and we continued on as a couple the remainder of the weekend. After that weekend, I broke it off with him. It was the craziest experience. So bizarre. I was hurt, but I was older and not willing to waste any more of my time waiting…if he didn’t love me by that point, it wasn’t going to happend ever.
Sandi
http://www.ahhsome.wordpress.com
Lake Forest, CA USA
Casserole Dish
May 28, 2011
I love this post. But I’m afraid it’s not ready to return the sentiment.
Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom)
May 28, 2011
Best opening line ever.
misswhiplash
May 28, 2011
love you
P
misswhiplash
May 28, 2011
But then I love everybody..so don’t get worried!!!!
Keenie Beanie
May 29, 2011
“No more rhymes now, I mean it.”
“Anybody want a peanut?”
Summer Smith
January 3, 2012
“Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?”
“If there are, we’ll all be dead!”
Princess Bride…. Great movie
autiesmama
May 29, 2011
One of the very few benefits of living in the Deepest of the South (this is written on our license plates, and therefore must be true, or maybe it’s so we don’t get confused and wander into other states) is that we have a lovely and charming catch-all for just such discomfitting situations. “Oh, Bless Your Heart!” covers unwarranted admissions of affection as well as sandals on an unpedi-ed pied on a late spring day.
Quite handy, really, especially to the non-native.
The other response is rather lengthy, and involves quoting Scarlett O’Hara’s mother’s on the matter.
Guess it depends on the situation, no?
–autiesmama
Emmy
May 29, 2011
I’m sorry, I can only think of the most offensive ways to respond to this situation. How sad is that. Penny from Big Bang Theory had my favorite line in response, she just said, “Thanks”. Probably better than, “Ummm……”
A friend from my grad school cohort, originally from Kansas, tells me she loves me at the end of every phone conversation. So I suppose if you’re in a restaurant, you could say I love you back, then hug the next server who visits your table and say the same thing to him / her. 😉
gmomj
May 30, 2011
The great woes of the world. Too loved, too loved.
Very funny post. I don’t LOVE it but I liked it.
I was sitting with a group of grandparents at our pre-school grandchildren’s graduation from Diaperville Academy when the headmistress addressing us said,”We here at Diaperville Academy love you, we just love you all.”
Barf. I turned to my husband and he smirked back at me, “God , I just hate her,patronizing.”
So I think an appropriate and spontaneous response would be, God!(and or Jesus) I hate you.
Surrey gal
May 31, 2011
My standard reply is “I know”. Shuts them up.
laurenrantnrave
June 1, 2011
Beyond smitten – just beautifully written, I am weeping tears of appreciation for you right now!
zannyro
March 27, 2012
First of all,,thanks for coming by my blog and “liking” it..Secondly,.I kid you not…I feel like a celebrity visited me!! You absolutely are my favorite blog and I get a smile on my face when I get a notification that you have a new post out.
on thehomefrontandbeyond
June 16, 2012
I think i love you – just kidding – but I do love your blogosphere comedy routine
beachesandpeaches
June 16, 2012
This is amazing!! Unfortunately I don’t really need this advice except in response to homeless men and construction workers. But who knows, things could change. Man, I feel so attractive revealing that construction workers think I’m hot.
Alison
June 30, 2012
Wow, that was hilarious! I searched this because I’m a 13 year old girl just so you know and there’s a boy who has a HUGE crush on me. He would write me letters everyday at school and his friend would give them to me everyday at the beginning of 5th hour. He wouldn’t stop asking for my email adress so eventually I gave it to him. Oh, and by the way-HUGE mistake. Now he emails me everyday and says I love you in every single email. Now I realize he is very strange and I don’t
Alison
June 30, 2012
love him back and am having a hard time figuring out how to respond to him saying I love you. Haha I found this so funny! I thought about responding to one of your ways but that would probably be a bad idea.
Anyways, thanks!
Madhu Dabholkar
July 8, 2012
awsome is the word for this blog.
crazywritermsc
August 2, 2012
I just say: “Implied”
Read Stuff With Me!
August 29, 2012
I loved this post! (And sorry I don’t love you yet!) 😉 The problem is that am a lot like you 😀
Joanne Maidment
October 1, 2012
I think my response when my husband first said it to me… and we were not really dating at the time was what was that… which resulted in I love you just the way you are don’t change… to which I said thanks… I kinda like me too and then turned over and went to sleep. However now I love him dearly and we are happily married so sometimes as noted above it just takes time …
barnitabhattacharya
October 5, 2012
Hillarious!! Seriously, such moments are really awkward when all you can do is be confused on hw to respond…bt after reading this one surely has better ways to get back 😉
The Laughing Duck
November 15, 2012
This killed me. Mayhap just for the last note , I see why your wife doesn’t hate this.
test2
March 18, 2013
I’m extremely impressed with your writing skills and also with the layout on your weblog. Is this a paid theme or did you modify it yourself? Anyway keep up the nice quality writing, it’s rare to see a nice blog like this one today
Lady from Manila
April 3, 2013
Have no worry. I’m in love with another blogger so I won’t say it to you. Though I believe it would do all of us good if you manage to somehow respond to your every reader’s comment (I mean, why not?). 🙂
Yup, you’re right. I’m new here.
ugoagadauyah
June 13, 2013
Well Paul, do I leave a picture? Take a look at the sketch – 70+, sagging jaws, droopy eyes.
Now, do I get a definite YES?
lola
June 25, 2013
Hi I am Lola I am a 16 year old and one boy that I love ask me out! And I said yes but the point is.. I don’t love him anymore. What shall I do?
Bob
August 23, 2013
Or you can just say “I love YouTube” really fast
JD
April 27, 2014
I wish this was funny and I wish I could use any of this without destroying someone… seriously it’s just plain AWFUL when someone loves you that you don’t/can’t love back!
Still I liked the post and it made me laugh more than once 😉
น้ำยาบุหรี่ไฟฟ้า
June 19, 2014
Very nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wished to say that I have really enjoyed surfing around your blog posts.
After all I will be subscribing to your rss feed and I hope you write
again very soon!
Sarah Lund
August 25, 2015
I have an older male friend, who tells me he loves me. I say it back, but kind of mocking it, because I can’t help thinking he doesn’t mean it. He likes MOST women. And so why would I think I mean more to him than any of the others? It’s dodgy ground. I only say it to someone I’m in a relationship with. It isn’t right. He should be more careful. Not only that. He’s squeezed the top of my knee, stroked my hair, you get the picture. I don’t think he wants anything serious with me.
Carl D'Agostino
December 25, 2015
Have not been connected with you a long time (?) so I resubscribed just now. Merry Christmas.