Do you have what it takes to join The Good Greatsby team?
The Good Greatsby, aka Paul Johnson, has fallen behind on maintaining his blog and is looking for a talented, hard-working intern to do all the work of maintaining this site while Paul continues to do all the work of taking credit for this site.
Are you willing to work for almost no pay? Are you willing to work for no pay? If you can manage to work for no pay, does this mean you have rich parents? If your parents are supporting you financially, is it possible they might also support Paul?
Are you an intelligent, motivated individual? If the answer is yes, why are you settling for an intern position? How smart could you be if you can’t find or create a real job?
Are you a good listener? If so, how do you do it? How do you make other people seem interesting?
Are you a creative individual? Do you have lots of good ideas? Are you willing to let Paul take credit for your good ideas? When other people compliment Paul on his good ideas that were actually your good ideas, and Paul then wags a finger in your face and makes fun of you for your lack of good ideas, are you willing to hold your tongue?
Are you familiar with your rights regarding sexual harassment? If not, there is no need to look them up. If you are familiar with your rights, please understand Paul is not asking about sexual harassment because he has any plans to be a sexual harasser, but rather because he works best in an environment where he himself is being sexually harassed. For example, your job responsibilities may include knocking pens off of desks and asking Paul to bend over and pick them up. When Paul later complains to his wife about your sexual harassment of him, and she confronts you, are you willing to deny Paul put you up to it?
Are you ready to read Paul’s neighbor’s mail to see if he’s being invited to parties that Paul has not been invited to? Are you willing to distract Paul’s neighbor by saying you saw some teenagers trying to break into his car so Paul can hit on his wife? Are you ready to never ask how these tasks are related to helping Paul with his blog?
Are you ready to never look Paul in the eye? Are you ready to never speak unless spoken to? If you’re willing to never look Paul in the eye and willing to wait endlessly for him to speak, how will you know he hasn’t fallen asleep?
Are you ready to share your diaries with Paul so he can search them for anecdotes and meaningful experiences he may decide happened to him instead of you? Are you willing to sign over legal rights to your life so Paul can use them in his autobiography?
Are you ready to spend time with Paul’s kids to allow him more time to concentrate on his blog? Are you ready to stand behind Paul and whisper his children’s names in his ear whenever they approach?
If you are interesting in the position, please inquire in the comments section. You must be willing to relocate to Shanghai, China unless you live in a city that also has the Internet.
The Good Greatsby 
Hippie Cahier
June 12, 2014
I was so excited to see a TGG post that I knocked the pens off my desk!
The Good Greatsby
June 12, 2014
You should definitely apply for the position. A lot of applicants have said they have to work up to knocking pens off of desks but it sounds like it’s second nature to you.
mistyslaws
June 12, 2014
I’m in. Where do I sign!
The Good Greatsby
June 12, 2014
You’ll have to sign in multiple places. The contract excluding me from legal liability is pretty long.
sveta30
June 12, 2014
I want the internship! XD
(JK. China is too far away from here, and I have no internet connection. Bummer.)
The Good Greatsby
June 12, 2014
I wish I could consider working together by post but a major intern responsibility is opening my mail.
sveta30
June 12, 2014
*sigh*
Some things are never meant to be. We can try all we want to mould our lives, but destiny always gets its wart-sprouted-nose into our business.
The Good Greatsby
June 12, 2014
If it makes you feel any better, I’m not definite this Internet thing is going to catch on. When the fad passes we’ll consider collaborating on something non-Internet.
sveta30
June 12, 2014
I do hope so. From everything that I’ve heard about Internet, I’m not a fan. Facebook sounds like the devil of this internet world.
Snail mail could work, only, it’s too slow. If only there were a platform that could connect us to the entire world and help us share our knowledge, beliefs and ideas, without any fear of plagiarism or losing our privacy and at the same time, NO TROLLS – but that just sounds utopian.
The Good Greatsby
June 12, 2014
Sometimes I wonder if I should retreat and simply go back to connecting with the friends and family and I can physically see.
sveta30
June 12, 2014
Which is why I have no accounts on any social-networking sites!
I must say, I have enjoyed myself thoroughly in your blog! Very few people I know can tolerate my rubbish for long! XD
Tor Constantino, MBA (@torcon)
June 12, 2014
Is there a stock-sharing plan; incentive compensation as well as snacks??
The Good Greatsby
June 12, 2014
I’d love to offer all of those things but it will really depend on your parents’ financial support. If we could even get two out of three of those things from your parents I’m fairly confident the job is yours.
Aishwarya
June 12, 2014
Are you willing to hire a girl who wants to do absolutely nothing (other than looking beautiful 😛 ) but still is willing to be your intern just because it sounds hip? If yes, then I’m in!
The Good Greatsby
June 12, 2014
I’m really torn on that question because I can really appreciate the desire to sit around and do nothing except look beautiful. If we both sit around looking beautiful we’ll probably need an intern for you as well.
Aishwarya
June 12, 2014
LOL! Shanghai and Mumbai being in the top 10 most populous cities in the world I don’t think that will be a problem. We can even have interns for our interns!
zannyro
June 12, 2014
How did I do on my first post as your intern? I think it sounded pretty good…quite a lot like you actually, if I do say so myself. I can’t comment any more as I am completed buried under all of my duties as an intern…I did want to apologize for dropping the ball and not distracting the neighbor well enough while you hit on his wife. Put a steak on that black eye and I’ll get started on your blog post about the whole unfortunate incident.
The Good Greatsby
June 12, 2014
You did a great job. But since you’re also writing the comments that’s probably the feedback you expected.
zannyro
June 12, 2014
Well let’s just say, it’s the feedback I was “hoping” for.
shana
June 12, 2014
I’m thrilled that you are back. I’ve missed you, well your blog. I would give up my law career to be your intern. When I say law career, I really mean my career as being QC for a law firm, yes, I do quality control for a law firm.
The Good Greatsby
June 12, 2014
How does QC at a law firm work? And how would those QC skills apply to my blog? And might you also be willing to QC my children?
Shana
June 13, 2014
QC refers to a process to systematically monitor and evaluate various aspects of legal documentation or to ensure that the standards of quality in legal documentation are being met.
I did take a creative writing class once and I do freelance reporting for a local paper.
As for the kids, as long as they keep ice in my bourbon they being QC.
The Good Greatsby
June 13, 2014
My 12-year-old son makes an incredible bourbon sour.
Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman)
June 13, 2014
I’ll manage your Twitter account, but I have to be paid in unmarked bills. It’s really better if you don’t ask.
The Good Greatsby
June 14, 2014
I’ve never understood what makes a bill unmarked. It seems every currency I’m familiar with has an awful lot of marks.
Amy
June 13, 2014
Being your intern and the hi-jinks that would invariably insue would totally give me plenty of fodder for my own blog. This could be a win-win!
She's a Maineiac
June 13, 2014
Depends. I need to know where I’m supposed to hang out with the other interns and bitch about my boss. What’s the water cooler situation? Do you have one? If so, could you fill it with gin? If you don’t have one, can I bring a thermos full of gin to lunch? Also, can my lunch break be the entire day?
The Good Greatsby
June 13, 2014
We actually have two water coolers so you can alternate between the two water cooler scenes. But I should warn you one of the coolers does not have a water jug on top of it and is gathering dust in our spare room. I’ve never seen anyone gathering around that water cooler to gossip and to be honest I’d be suspicious of the type of people it attracted.
She's a Maineiac
June 16, 2014
Hmm…while drinking dust out of tiny paper cups does sound enticing, I’m still not sold on the idea. Being the Good Greatsby is hard work. Would you be willing to install a hammock in your spare room? along with a couple palm trees? And a fully-stocked wet bar in case I become dehydrated from all that swaying?
The Good Greatsby
June 16, 2014
I have hammocks in all my rooms. I insist on doing all my work in hammocks. We do have a wet bar but it isn’t stocked. I’ll need an intern to run to the store if you’re up for it.
She's a Maineiac
June 19, 2014
Sure boss. But while I’m out on that Cheetos and Zima run, who will maintain your blog and keep up with your hectic schedule of posting once every six months? And who will maintain all those hammocks? I’m not sure I can work under these conditions.
gerknoop
June 13, 2014
I would actually consider it except that I need an intern myself right now! I will be yours if you’ll be mine????
The Good Greatsby
June 14, 2014
What does the position entail? I’m good at making coffee but I’ve never tried to make two cups at once. Maybe I make a cup for you and you make a cup for me. Other than that I’m not sure what I can offer.
LVital7019
June 13, 2014
I’d love to but am only good at STEALING pens, suffer from chronic honesty and am habitually posting all great stuff I write on MY blog. Plus I’m pretty sure 43 is too old to be an intern… 😉
1pointperspective
June 13, 2014
Is there a uniform? Do I have to be able to speel well n do grammer stuff?
The Good Greatsby
June 13, 2014
You’ll be issued a smoking jacket, pipe, and non-prescription glasses.
1pointperspective
June 13, 2014
After the mandatory probation period, I’d like to speak with you about possibly getting my name embroidered on the jacket. I know it’s simply not done, but I’m hoping to start a trend.
The Good Greatsby
June 14, 2014
I’m okay with you having a name embroidered on your jacket, but I must insist on choosing the name.
1pointperspective
June 14, 2014
That sounds fair enough.
becomingcliche
June 13, 2014
Internet is iffy since the neighbors slapped a password on their wi-fi. I am hurt. I thought we were friends. I never said one word about their stupid dog pooping in my flower bed. Anyway, how do you feel about carrier pigeon?
The Good Greatsby
June 14, 2014
The idea of communicating by carrier pigeons is certainly a romantic idea, but I’ll still probably need an intern to raise and manage my carrier pigeons.
guesswho
June 13, 2014
I’m not sure if I could write any witty and humorous blog posts but I brew a damn good coffee and wear fake glasses so I look smarter.. Will that do?
Grace
June 13, 2014
I was happily surprised to see this post in my Reader. When I found your blog last week and noticed that you hadn’t posted since late 2013, the thought did occur to me that you may have died. But then I saw a recent photo on your instagram. I’m glad you’re still alive 😉
The Good Greatsby
June 13, 2014
I recently visited a doctor for a full health screening and he confirmed I’m very much alive and gave the all-clear to start blogging again.
The Guat
June 13, 2014
Will there be a vending machine with Twix? Because if there’s not I may not be able to relocate. But I’ll take Kit Kat.
The Good Greatsby
June 13, 2014
We do have Kit-Kat here but no Twix. Maybe your first assignment could be to convince Twix to export to Shanghai.
The Guat
June 14, 2014
I’m on it!
cplind
June 13, 2014
I feel as if I was handed a delicious popsicle on a hot summer day then some bully stole it, shoved me to the ground and kicked dirt in my face. I very seriously considered the position, started packing my bag and shopping for plane tickets but my wife asked what I was doing. She guilt-tripped me into staying to support her and our toddler (something about moving in with her parents and only seeing me on holidays bothered her…that is if the intern position had holidays off). Since the internet can’t be trusted, I suppose I’ll have to pass on this once in a lifetime opportunity. We could have had a great run Greatsby.
The Good Greatsby
June 14, 2014
It sounds like your wife is holding you back from reaching your full potential. If she doesn’t share your desire to be a great artist or doesn’t understand how being my intern is going to get you there, it might be time to reconsider your priorities.
Ankur Mithal
June 13, 2014
Thanks for writing up the Job Description for the intern we are looking for.
cheergerm
June 13, 2014
Pick me, pick me!
Laura
June 14, 2014
I had an intern for a while, but it turned out he was subcontracting all his work to a bunch of monkeys he was keeping in my basement. I still have a few dozen left if you want them. I’ll even throw in some typewriters.
The Good Greatsby
June 15, 2014
How many monkeys would it take to duplicate an intern’s work? I have space for about five monkeys at most.
T E Stazyk
June 14, 2014
Dear Mr. Greatsby–
I am writing regarding your advert for an intern. I would like you to seriously consider me as I have made a career out of being an intern. I can handle anything.
Regards,
Monica.
PS–I think your blue smoking jacket would go very nicely with my blue dress!
The Good Greatsby
June 15, 2014
I’ll first have to clear your application with Mrs. Greatsby.
T E Stazyk
June 15, 2014
I’ll take that as a rejection.
thekellygeorge
June 14, 2014
-Experienced. Not necessarily writing; have been around the block.
-Cool name
-Funny. References available on request.
-Funny in four languages.
-Mom – used to low pay
-Wife – used to sexual harassment
-Voices in my head are included.
Check out my alter ego at unaristodenfer.wordpress.com
silkpurseproductions
June 14, 2014
This would have been a great template to use for a recent job description I had write for a client. But, alas, I will never be as clever as you. Perhaps I should be your intern.
Jackie Cangro
June 15, 2014
Me, me! I like long walks on the beach, love dogs and enjoy cuddling.
Oh, wait. That’s for a different ad.
Mark Petruska
June 16, 2014
How about Post-It notes? Is there an adequate supply? Are they the pop-up type? Are they standard issue canary, or do they come in designer colors?
The Good Greatsby
June 16, 2014
There’s never an adequate supply of Post-It notes. You can never have too many. Please be sure to pick some up on your way to Shanghai.
pmahaney
June 17, 2014
Finally a chance to work for little or no pay (and isn’t everyone) and for just the greatest writer ever. I mean after months of sitting in breathless anticipation of the next Pulitzer Prize winning post from The Good Greatsby, I decided to take a few days away from sitting and staring at his stupendous site for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and look what happens! Now I am perhaps the last person to get a resume submitted for approval from simply the greatest humorist since, well since Thag last worked for Gary Larson in “The Far Side”. Sorry Paul, I guess I was a little over the top in brown-nosing you for this most excellent position?
Bethany Kriger Thies
June 17, 2014
Shut up and take MY money. Wait…this is poor business negotiation at it’s best. Or worst?
Zainab Khawaja
July 2, 2014
Spectacularly funny! In fact, I’ve lost all ability to form a witty response!
Andy Tanner
July 17, 2014
As a former intern of Mister Paul Johnson let me be first to tell you, it’s amazing. I met Mick Jagger in a parking lot in Vegas. I made sure Paul never shared bars of soap. And once he even pulled a prank on me. My hair actually wasn’t missing. He had just put it in the drain from a previous haircut. Jokes on me Paul. Please take me back. I promise I’ll never use your soap again. Oh it smells so good.
arsonfire
August 12, 2014
Would love to apply, I’m a hard worker, perfectly meet everything in the spec, as long as I can continue taking 320 sick days a year it’s on 🙂
susielindau
August 18, 2014
I was on vacation when you posted this. I’m sure the position has been filled by now… 🙂
BrantleyNewton
August 28, 2014
This is everything that I’ve ever wanted. When I was growing up, my parents used to tell me: “Brantley – if you work hard in high school and get good grades, you can take out student loans to go to college. Then, once you graduate and have that hard earned diploma in hand, you will have a huge leg up on your peers as you all frantically beg someone to let you work for them for free.” And that’s the American Dream.
joeyallgood
August 29, 2014
This is the first post by you I’ve ever read, and I’m so, so in.
Ambrose Mugwump
November 30, 2014
Five months since the last post. I can only assume that you did not succeed in finding a slave, er, an intern.
Barb
March 3, 2015
Hey! Haven’t you looked for an intern before? I distinctly remember applying…or maybe that was for the minion position.
Goodluck filling the spot.
whenyoustopdigging
April 8, 2015
Megatron is the greatest cat name of all time. I wish I could travel back in time and name my cat that first.
And sorry for your loss.
Socially Undesirable (@socundesirable)
May 16, 2015
I’m available. My name is Monica, though… 55minutedrive.blogspot.com
Ankita
August 10, 2015
ohh looks I am late ..
anshurao
January 27, 2016
Cracked me up. You pay for my food?