Intern Wanted

Posted on June 12, 2014


Do you have what it takes to join The Good Greatsby team?

The Good Greatsby, aka Paul Johnson, has fallen behind on maintaining his blog and is looking for a talented, hard-working intern to do all the work of maintaining this site while Paul continues to do all the work of taking credit for this site.

Are you willing to work for almost no pay? Are you willing to work for no pay? If you can manage to work for no pay, does this mean you have rich parents? If your parents are supporting you financially, is it possible they might also support Paul?

Are you an intelligent, motivated individual? If the answer is yes, why are you settling for an intern position? How smart could you be if you can’t find or create a real job?

Are you a good listener? If so, how do you do it? How do you make other people seem interesting?

Are you a creative individual? Do you have lots of good ideas? Are you willing to let Paul take credit for your good ideas? When other people compliment Paul on his good ideas that were actually your good ideas, and Paul then wags a finger in your face and makes fun of you for your lack of good ideas, are you willing to hold your tongue?

Are you familiar with your rights regarding sexual harassment? If not, there is no need to look them up. If you are familiar with your rights, please understand Paul is not asking about sexual harassment because he has any plans to be a sexual harasser, but internrather because he works best in an environment where he himself is being sexually harassed. For example, your job responsibilities may include knocking pens off of desks and asking Paul to bend over and pick them up. When Paul later complains to his wife about your sexual harassment of him, and she confronts you, are you willing to deny Paul put you up to it?

Are you ready to read Paul’s neighbor’s mail to see if he’s being invited to parties that Paul has not been invited to? Are you willing to distract Paul’s neighbor by saying you saw some teenagers trying to break into his car so Paul can hit on his wife? Are you ready to never ask how these tasks are related to helping Paul with his blog?

Are you ready to never look Paul in the eye? Are you ready to never speak unless spoken to? If you’re willing to never look Paul in the eye and willing to wait endlessly for him to speak, how will you know he hasn’t fallen asleep?

Are you ready to share your diaries with Paul so he can search them for anecdotes and meaningful experiences he may decide happened to him instead of you? Are you willing to sign over legal rights to your life so Paul can use them in his autobiography?

Are you ready to spend time with Paul’s kids to allow him more time to concentrate on his blog? Are you ready to stand behind Paul and whisper his children’s names in his ear whenever they approach?

If you are interesting in the position, please inquire in the comments section. You must be willing to relocate to Shanghai, China unless you live in a city that also has the Internet.

Posted in: Columns