While staying at a hotel last week on Thailand’s Phi Phi Island, I noticed a paper taped to the mirror, itemizing specific charges for damaging hotel property. Two charges caught my eye for their macabre specificity:
13 Bed 3.5 feet bloody 4550 (approx. US $150)
14 Bed 6 feet bloody 7800 (approx. US $257)
I had the following 8 reactions:
Reaction #1:
Good luck collecting that 7800 damage charge from me, because if housekeeping comes into my room and notices 6 feet of blood on my bed, the second thing they’ll notice is my body lying next to it. Because I’m dead.
Reaction #2:
If housekeeping only measures 3.5 feet of blood instead of 6, this means I will soon be dead and would it be okay if we discuss the bill later, maybe after you take me to the hospital to have this knife removed from my back?
Reaction #3:
I’m surprised that 6 feet of blood is so much more expensive than 3.5 feet of blood, because what damage can 6 feet of blood do to a bed that 3.5 feet of blood can’t? Whether it’s 3.5 feet or 6 feet, nobody wants to sleep on that bed again, so I assume you throw the bed out, right? Right? Please say I’m right.
Reaction #4:
I sure wish I knew the story that inspired the hotel owners to be so specific. Maybe the hotel tried to charge a tourist for leaving blood on the bed, and the tourist argued, “In my home country leaving 3 feet of blood on the bed is part of our custom. I left 3 feet of blood on the bed as a sign of respect. If I’d left more than 3 feet of blood, like maybe 3.5 feet, this would then be a sign of disrespect.”
Reaction #5:
Under the itemization for blood are the charges for vomit:
15 3.5 feet stained vomiting 1000
16 6 feet stained vomiting 1200
I don’t have a comment. Except: please tell me this hasn’t happened before.
Reaction #6:
Whose job is it to measure the length of the vomit? Because I’d like him or her to speak at my kids’ career day.
Reaction #7
Is the measuring tape used for measuring the length of the vomit used for anything else? If during the course of my stay I ask to borrow the hotel measuring tape for any reason, please remind me it’s been used to measure 6 feet of vomit.
Reaction #8
Maybe this isn’t a very good hotel.
The Good Greatsby 
Worrywart
January 9, 2013
Reaction # 1: You need a travel agent.
The Good Greatsby
January 9, 2013
How much do they cost? Do they charge by the foot?
angelajardine
January 9, 2013
Gruugh! I feel queasy …
The Good Greatsby
January 9, 2013
Then go stand next to the sink and stay away from the bed.
Vanessa-Jane Chapman
January 9, 2013
Is this the Bates Motel?
The Good Greatsby
January 9, 2013
I’ll have to check on the Thai translation.
Hippie Cahier
January 9, 2013
One hopes your post will inspire the UN to finally act on an internationally standard charge for bed blood stains. Thank you.
The Good Greatsby
January 9, 2013
If the UN still hasn’t established a universal electrical outlet, I don’t have high hopes for universal blood stain criteria.
denmother
January 9, 2013
If you’re looking for bright sides, at least the blood distracted you from the contaminated urine.
The Good Greatsby
January 9, 2013
I wonder if the hotel has the technology to test the difference between sanitary urine and contaminated urine.
josefkul
January 9, 2013
I work in a hospital and I can assure you there is NO sanitary urine!
denmother
January 9, 2013
Maybe the difference is simply in the number of feet!
josefkul
January 9, 2013
Could be denmother, but I reject any laboratory system of measurement not using the metric system.
mistyslaws
January 9, 2013
Remind me never to seek employment in the housekeeping industry in Thailand. Or Hotel Management. Or . . . hell, maybe I’ll just stay here in the US. Where mysterious bodily stains stay hidden and mysterious in swirly bedspread patterns. It’s the American way, damnit!
The Good Greatsby
January 9, 2013
Any excuse to get out of work, huh?
Tori Nelson
January 9, 2013
Hahaha. And I’m never staying at a hotel ever again. On a positive note, this made me feel better about every crappy job I ever had. Serving old people pureed beets involved less blood but about the same amount of barf most of the time.
Shackled and Crowned
January 9, 2013
Hilarious Tori. And so true!
Michael
January 9, 2013
Contaminated urine? As opposed to plain old ordinary sanitized urine? Is this some sort of urine infected with bird flu or the bubonic plague? …either way, as Mal Reynolds from Firefly would put it, that is definitely morbid and creepifying.
The Good Greatsby
January 9, 2013
I was also confused about the contaminated urine. I felt self-conscious that there might be people out there with sanitary urine.
Shackled and Crowned
January 9, 2013
Gross Thailand hotels.
Maybe it was just that one…
maybe
Sara
January 9, 2013
Ick.
Reheated Coffee
January 9, 2013
I’m fairly certain there are other bodily fluids that are not covered on this list. Do those not count?
The Good Greatsby
January 9, 2013
Actually there was a whole second sheet I didn’t include. I’ll have to check and see what’s on there.
javaj240
January 9, 2013
I honestly NEED to know what prompted this list. Booking my trip to Thailand for investigative purposes!
The Good Greatsby
January 9, 2013
I can give you the hotel contact information if you’d like, but it wouldn’t surprise me if they were less than completely forthcoming.
Bridget
January 10, 2013
I think the compilation of this list was prompted by rude and disrespectful tourists who have contaminated (the mattress with) urine [stinky] or blood [a serious health hazard in Thailand] and checked out without owning up or taking responsibility. A 3.5ft. mattress is cheaper to replace than a 6ft mattress. Simple!
josefkul
January 9, 2013
How many points was ‘sticky viscous fluid of unknown origin’ worth? Also, how do you say sticky viscous fluid of unknown origin in Thai. Oh well, Phuket.
The Good Greatsby
January 9, 2013
I’ll have to consult the hotel reception.
Lorna's Voice
January 9, 2013
I wouldn’t worry, you probably got the room that those wild and crazy insurance sales convention guys just vacated. Imagine the explaining they will have to do when they get home…if they get home.
The Good Greatsby
January 9, 2013
I might just sleep on the floor.
Sandi Ormsby
January 9, 2013
WHAT? I’d be a little freaked out…um, I think this might be a bad area? Perhaps we should stay at the hotel down the road? At that point, my husband would then say, oh no they charge more for “bullet holes” down there.
I’ve been gone awhile, returned a few weeks ago, and had forgotten about the Good Greatsby- fearing the blogging world had become dull in my absence…YOU SAVED the day! So excited to see your post this morning…”Oh, yeah, this guy!”
Sandi
The Good Greatsby
January 9, 2013
Good to see you, too. Yes I’m still plugging along, albeit sporadically.
mimijk
January 9, 2013
Interesting that contaminated urine doesn’t incur a higher charge – though who stops to do the test on the urine to determine whether or not its contaminated?
The Good Greatsby
January 9, 2013
I just assume all urine is contaminated. I’m not paying extra for a test.
joehoover
January 9, 2013
On the subject, what was the weather like? I usually go to Thailand at Xmas but higher up in Hua Hin as I have got caught in monsoons on some islands in the Gulf of Thailand, how was it further South? I’m planning this years trip at the moment and you sound as suitable a travel agent as others I have been using.
Oh, and if you can let me know how to avoid paying the fines for expelling my fluids on the sheets then that would be useful too.
The Good Greatsby
January 9, 2013
The weather has been average, never too hot. It’s been overcast about half the days but rarely rained.
The only sure way to avoid expelling any fluids on the sheets is to sleep on the floor.
Tor Constantino, MBA (@torcon)
January 9, 2013
The biggest surprise to me is that the measurements are not metric. Everybody knows that the most frequent bed bleeders, vomiteers and urninators come from central Europe so the US measurements would be completely foreign to them. Which begs the question – if there’s a cumulative discount the more bodily fluids added to the respective length of stain?
The Good Greatsby
January 9, 2013
I do wonder how they calculate a combination of bodily fluids.
Jorie
January 10, 2013
I feel like this hotel needs to elaborate on the circumference. Are we talking a 6 x 6 square foot area of O-positive? Or a thin line of blood that drips for six feet?
Either way, I’d probably be dead, but it’s good to know that a hefty bill would be charged to my next of kin.
I am so curious to know what the hell went down at this hotel that necessitated a typed and printed sheet, outlining the various charges.
Life With The Top Down
January 10, 2013
My first thought..”who has the pleasure of measuring those stains?” I suddenly am liking my job a little more today.
The Good Greatsby
January 10, 2013
That’s the best way to find new motivation for an old job–find someone with a much worse job.
zannyro
January 10, 2013
(She whispers…) Do you know that I actually stayed in a Hotel and when the bed bug problem was at it’s worst, I would check the mattresses..I lifted the top mattress and I kid you not, a QUARTER of that bed was stained with dried blood……….It must have cost the dead customer a FORTUNE!
The Good Greatsby
January 10, 2013
That’s terrible. I want to believe they’d dispose of a bed soiled to that extent. I’ll have to check more carefully in the future.
zannyro
January 10, 2013
Straight out of a horror movie….
Jill Pinnella Corso
January 10, 2013
This raises so many questions that I don’t want to know the answers to.
J.C.V.
January 10, 2013
OMG! This is hysterical. I can just imagine a the hotel manager in a pimp outfit with four inch platforms standing in the lobby with a measuring tape.
Jess Witkins
January 10, 2013
Really, Greatsby, 8 reactions before you questioned your stay at this hotel? Ewwwwwwwwww
The Good Greatsby
January 10, 2013
My brain is trained to explore all comedy options long before considering my own safety.
Keeping it Real
January 10, 2013
I want to know who actually types up such a list of damages. I’m sure it’s not their human resource department. Thai hotels must have their own measuring the length of vomit department.
Zainab Khawaja
January 10, 2013
You have quite the taste in hotels. Your reactions were delightful. As much as I enjoy reading your posts, I must insist that you find a new way to travel.
The Good Greatsby
January 11, 2013
My wife agrees with you.
nancyfrancis
January 10, 2013
Having been a house keeper at an upscale hotel in my youth – I can confirm that 3.5 feet of blood should cost more then mentioned above, I’m still in counseling.
The Good Greatsby
January 11, 2013
Did your upscale hostel charge for cleaning up that blood? And did any of that money go towards your counseling?
Laura
January 10, 2013
I don’t think “6 feet” and “3.5 feet” refer to the size of the stains. My guess is that either a) they have two different bed sizes: 6-foot beds for adults and 3.5-foot beds for children or for adults who got their legs hacked off while sleeping in 6-foot beds during a previous stay. Or maybe they’re referring to how many severed human feet you’ve left carelessly strewn about your room? You should probably call the front desk and ask.
The Good Greatsby
January 10, 2013
I did try and get a more detailed explanation but their English language skills were somewhat limited.
chlost
January 10, 2013
NO! Don’t sleep on the floor. Although there are other reasons (I have friends who do not walk without shoes on hotel carpets for all of the contamination) I am sure the bill for replacing carpeting which has 6′ of blood on it will be much more than a bed.
omawarisan
January 10, 2013
Anyone who has a vomit range of 6 feet must have legendary abs.
The Good Greatsby
January 10, 2013
You’d think so, wouldn’t you? If I saw 6 feet of vomit, my first reaction would be disgust, and my second reaction would be applause.
List of X
January 10, 2013
Are these the only services available in the hotel? How much do they charge for 6 feet of uncontaminated Wi-Fi?
Brown Road Chronicles
January 10, 2013
OMG I think this is the funniest post I’ve ever seen on wordpress! And I thought bed bugs were the biggest problem at hotels these days.
The Good Greatsby
January 10, 2013
I was so distracted by the blood that I forgot to check for bedbugs.
Brown Road Chronicles
January 10, 2013
Probably not a problem… sounds like they would have had plenty to eat at that hotel!
becomingcliche
January 10, 2013
Maybe feet isn’t a measurement. Maybe they mean actual feet.
The Good Greatsby
January 10, 2013
I didn’t consider that. This opens a whole new line of possibilities.
Audrey
January 10, 2013
Oh Thailand… I think one of my favorite things about that country is the awkward grammar of any sentence translated into English.
The blood, urine, and vomit thing made me almost wonder if you guys were staying in a hospital that was looking to make an extra baht. “Oh, we forgot to put in your catheter. Too bad for you, here’s the bill.”
The Good Greatsby
January 11, 2013
The translations provide so many opportunities for inadvertent comedy.
notanotherrandomgirl
January 10, 2013
Heyy! You’ve been nominated for the Very inspiring blogger award! You’re worth it! Keep up the good work!
Details :
http://glitterglamourfun.wordpress.com/2013/01/09/inspiring-people-around-the-world/
The Good Greatsby
January 10, 2013
You’re too kind. How nice to get an award so early in the year. Now I can take the rest of the year off.
thesinglecell
January 10, 2013
My reaction #1: Is it bad that this made me think of David Carradine? (I went to your #8 second)
The Good Greatsby
January 10, 2013
I may have also gone to my #8 second. Maybe even first.
thesinglecell
January 11, 2013
That would be the sanest response. What with the children and the wife and all.
philosophermouseofthehedge
January 10, 2013
(Shiver)
What? Nothing for bullet holes or knife slashed linens? Tooth marks on furniture?
The Good Greatsby
January 10, 2013
I do have a weakness for chewing on hotel furniture. I’m on vacation after all.
Kim
January 10, 2013
I wonder what their going rate is for 6 feet of amniotic fluid? Maybe there is no charge but you have to let them name your baby?
The Good Greatsby
January 10, 2013
The list of bodily fluids I overlooked keeps expanding.
Spectra
January 11, 2013
I thought the cost of washing bed linens was included in the room cost? Sometimes I feel I am not making housekeeping work hard enough for their money, so I bring along a few extra Mason jars of blood, just to keep them on their 3.5 feet.
Stephanie
January 10, 2013
Please tell me you put this photo on Trip Advisor.
The Good Greatsby
January 10, 2013
Not yet. I’d like to leave the island first.
T E Stazyk
January 10, 2013
What were items 1-11 on the list?
I once stayed in a Thai hotel that itemized the “fine” for stealing stuff from the room.
The Good Greatsby
January 11, 2013
Items 1-11 were similar but 13 and 14 were the only ones dealing specifically with blood which is what I found most interesting.
HoaiPhai
January 10, 2013
Wow. I’d never stay at a hotel that was so uptight they’d charge for these types of petty incidentals – usually they are included at my regular haunts. What’s their policy on cerebrospinal fluid on the towels and bone fragments in the shag carpeting? Do they even offer all-inclusive packages? Cripes, what a cash grab!
It’s interesting how the hospitality industry varies from country to country… I once stayed at a Transylvanian B&B where the housekeeping staff considered 6 feet of blood a generous tip.
The Good Greatsby
January 11, 2013
I forget to ask about cerebrospinal fluid. As soon as I realized how petty they were being, I resolved not to lose any of mine.
Anna
January 10, 2013
I laughed so manically at this that my work colleagues are now looking at me strangely. This has really made my day, and has disturbed me greatly.
The Good Greatsby
January 11, 2013
Is disturbing you a compliment?
Anna
January 11, 2013
Oh, yes! Always yes 😀
thatfunnyblogguy
January 10, 2013
New hotel slogan: “The first two feet of blood on the bed are free. Just dont get it on the pillow.”
The Good Greatsby
January 11, 2013
I’m going to try and limit my bleeding to the pillow since I’m certain it’s shorter than 3.5 feet.
spilledinkguy
January 11, 2013
I know I just threw-up a little bit.
What is the fine for throwing up on your blog these days?!
The Good Greatsby
January 11, 2013
A small amount will be tolerated. Anything more than 3.5 feet is going to cost you.
beansprowtcrocodile
January 11, 2013
Wow! Really weird… but you made it so damn funny!
artreviewed
January 11, 2013
Maybe the 3.5 feet and 6 feet are the bed lengths? Either way…get the hell out!!!!!! To itemise these things makes it sound like these things are a regular occurrence….
The Good Greatsby
January 11, 2013
That was my impression as well. The level of detail and thought that went into this list makes me think they were tired of debating these measurements every single day.
trishdar
January 11, 2013
one word…….VAMPIRES!!! The world has changed since we realized how sparkly vampires are, we need to make contingencies.
anastasiasoro
January 13, 2013
Your last reaction was my first reaction! XD
Sarah @ Pearls of Willsdom
January 13, 2013
What if a bed had the ultimate trio: vomit, wee, and blood? Is there an ‘all of the above’ fee?
Anyway, make sure you write a review on Trip Advisor. Four stars for disclosure.
az
January 14, 2013
ha! I love you, Paul Johnson
lazylauramaisey
January 23, 2013
Brilliant!
nooishere
January 28, 2013
Reblogged this on this bag has no parachute..
Dana
February 7, 2013
Maybe it’s an awkward translation, a la the ‘Cooking With Poo’ cookbook you saw? (Admittedly, ‘vomit’ and ‘blood’ are kind of hard words to mis-translate. It’s either puke or it’s not. No grey areas there.)
David Stewart
March 30, 2013
I wonder how urine/blood soaked linens it took to make up this list. Don’t know why, but my first thought was what if you have 4ft of bloody linen. Do they round up or down?