3.5 Feet of Bad Blood

Posted on January 9, 2013


While staying at a hotel last week on Thailand’s Phi Phi Island, I noticed a paper taped to the mirror, itemizing specific charges for damaging hotel property. Two charges caught my eye for their macabre specificity:

bed feet bloody

13 Bed 3.5 feet bloody 4550 (approx. US $150)

14 Bed 6 feet bloody 7800 (approx. US $257)

I had the following 8 reactions:

Reaction #1:

Good luck collecting that 7800 damage charge from me, because if housekeeping comes into my room and notices 6 feet of blood on my bed, the second thing they’ll notice is my body lying next to it. Because I’m dead.

Reaction #2:

If housekeeping only measures 3.5 feet of blood instead of 6, this means I will soon be dead and would it be okay if we discuss the bill later, maybe after you take me to the hospital to have this knife removed from my back?

Reaction #3:

I’m surprised that 6 feet of blood is so much more expensive than 3.5 feet of blood, because what damage can 6 feet of blood do to a bed that 3.5 feet of blood can’t? Whether it’s 3.5 feet or 6 feet, nobody wants to sleep on that bed again, so I assume you throw the bed out, right? Right? Please say I’m right.

Reaction #4:

I sure wish I knew the story that inspired the hotel owners to be so specific. Maybe the hotel tried to charge a tourist for leaving blood on the bed, and the tourist argued, “In my home country leaving 3 feet of blood on the bed is part of our custom. I left 3 feet of blood on the bed as a sign of respect. If I’d left more than 3 feet of blood, like maybe 3.5 feet, this would then be a sign of disrespect.”

Reaction #5:

Under the itemization for blood are the charges for vomit:

15 3.5 feet stained vomiting 1000

16 6 feet stained vomiting 1200

I don’t have a comment. Except: please tell me this hasn’t happened before.

Reaction #6:

Whose job is it to measure the length of the vomit? Because I’d like him or her to speak at my kids’ career day.

Reaction #7

Is the measuring tape used for measuring the length of the vomit used for anything else? If during the course of my stay I ask to borrow the hotel measuring tape for any reason, please remind me it’s been used to measure 6 feet of vomit.

Reaction #8

Maybe this isn’t a very good hotel.

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