What’s that Ringing in Your Pants? Phantom Cellphone Vibrations Explained!

Posted on October 15, 2012


My wife didn’t believe me when I told her I was experiencing phantom cellphone vibrations. Many times I’ve felt my phone vibrate, pulled it from my pocket, and realized it wasn’t even ringing. And sometimes my cell phone wasn’t even in my pocket. And some of those times I didn’t even own a cellphone. But now in an important new study scientists have proven this phenomenon is real and that my wife isn’t very supportive.

In a recent university survey 89 percent of undergraduates reported experiencing ‘phantom vibration syndrome’ at least once. Scientists haven’t pinpointed the exact cause–so it might still mean I’m crazy–but if I am crazy I’ll have plenty of company.

Scientists have also recently made inroads in explaining multiple other sensory phenomena:

If your ears are itchy it means someone is talking about you. Or it means you borrowed earmuffs from someone with lice.

A twitching eye may mean a calcium deficiency. Or an inability to flirt.

If you hear ringing in your ears it may mean you have a condition called tinnitus, or it means you’re a boxer and it’s time to go back to your corner.

If you hear the sound of the ocean in your ears, it might mean you’re wearing seashell earmuffs, or it could mean you’re literally at the ocean.

If you hear the sound of Billy Ocean, it means you’re at the dentist’s office.

If you experience heartburn, it may mean you just ate spicy food. Or it means someone loves you. Or it means someone is in love with giving you heartburn.

If you experience gas, it means you should quickly move to another seat.

If you experience a fear of crowds and feel the uncontrollable urge to leave the room, it may mean someone just complimented Nickleback.

If you begin to feel nauseous it might mean you have food poisoning, or it might mean Vin Diesel is looking at a movie script.

If you experience the sensation of a stubbed toe it means you should be more careful.


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Posted in: Columns