My wife didn’t believe me when I told her I was experiencing phantom cellphone vibrations. Many times I’ve felt my phone vibrate, pulled it from my pocket, and realized it wasn’t even ringing. And sometimes my cell phone wasn’t even in my pocket. And some of those times I didn’t even own a cellphone. But now in an important new study scientists have proven this phenomenon is real and that my wife isn’t very supportive.
In a recent university survey 89 percent of undergraduates reported experiencing ‘phantom vibration syndrome’ at least once. Scientists haven’t pinpointed the exact cause–so it might still mean I’m crazy–but if I am crazy I’ll have plenty of company.
Scientists have also recently made inroads in explaining multiple other sensory phenomena:
If your ears are itchy it means someone is talking about you. Or it means you borrowed earmuffs from someone with lice.
A twitching eye may mean a calcium deficiency. Or an inability to flirt.
If you hear ringing in your ears it may mean you have a condition called tinnitus, or it means you’re a boxer and it’s time to go back to your corner.
If you hear the sound of the ocean in your ears, it might mean you’re wearing seashell earmuffs, or it could mean you’re literally at the ocean.
If you hear the sound of Billy Ocean, it means you’re at the dentist’s office.
If you experience heartburn, it may mean you just ate spicy food. Or it means someone loves you. Or it means someone is in love with giving you heartburn.
If you experience gas, it means you should quickly move to another seat.
If you experience a fear of crowds and feel the uncontrollable urge to leave the room, it may mean someone just complimented Nickleback.
If you begin to feel nauseous it might mean you have food poisoning, or it might mean Vin Diesel is looking at a movie script.
If you experience the sensation of a stubbed toe it means you should be more careful.
…..
Congratulations to caption contest winner Jamie Holbrook! Click here to see her winning caption and submit a caption in the new contest.
The Good Greatsby 
Vanessa Chapman
October 15, 2012
Hmm, that was funny, but I’m not sure it quite lived up to the title which promises an explanation of the phantom vibrations!
The Good Greatsby
October 15, 2012
The article explains it. Just because I read the article doesn’t mean I understand it. I was just happy to know there was an explanation.
becomingcliche
October 15, 2012
Phantom vibrations in your pants may also mean that your electric cowboy suit is short-circuiting. Don’t ask how I know.
The Good Greatsby
October 15, 2012
Electric cowboy suits are much less durable than you’d expect.
She's a Maineiac
October 15, 2012
Ooh! I wonder what movie Vin will do next?!
Yeah! Nickelback really knows how to rock it out, dude!
(I read the article and I think they failed to include one obvious explanation about these fake vibrating occurrences among undergraduates: it’s the ganja. It’s always the ganja.)
The Good Greatsby
October 15, 2012
But why didn’t ganja smokers experience the phantom vibrations back in the days before cellphones were around? And where can I get one of these ganja cellphones?
She's a Maineiac
October 15, 2012
Well, see, young man, back in the day, when I was young, in the rotary phone days of yore, we had to make do with phantom sounds of my mother screaming from three blocks away that it was time for dinner.
The Good Greatsby
October 15, 2012
That explains the sensation that someone is calling my name. Usually someone angry.
philosophermouseofthehedge
October 15, 2012
Obviously, amazing research has been done with all this….Federally funded naturally.
The Good Greatsby
October 15, 2012
I think it’s an appropriate use of federal funds if it helps workers focus on their jobs and ignore the vibrations coming from their legs.
philosophermouseofthehedge
October 15, 2012
well said.
Jackie Cangro
October 15, 2012
I was at the dentist this weekend. I wish they were playing Billy Ocean or some piped in muzak. In the exam room there were televisions above the chair. My tv was playing The Dirty Dozen.
The Good Greatsby
October 15, 2012
Maybe not the most relaxing choice.
Curmudgeon-at-Large
October 15, 2012
Phantom cellphone vibrations have replaced phantom rotary phone rings.
And it’s so much easier to put a cellphone in your pocket than a rotary phone.
The Good Greatsby
October 15, 2012
It seems like it would be easier but I can’t say for sure until I try it. I’ll get back to you soon.
Hermionejh
October 15, 2012
That was a giggling read, thank you!
bearmancartoons
October 15, 2012
Phew…glad I am not going crazy
The Good Greatsby
October 16, 2012
Me too. Although I can only verify that you’re not going this kind of crazy. It’s possible you could be going another kind of crazy.
Todd
October 15, 2012
I suffer from phantom smartphone vibration syndrome, too, sometimes, so you’re not crazy, or maybe we’re the same kind of crazy. It’s difficult to say. I think … hang on, someone’s texting me. No, sorry, false alarm.
The Good Greatsby
October 17, 2012
I don’t mind being crazy if enough people have the same kind of crazy. My current list of support groups is far too exclusive to provide me any networking possibilities.
Carl D'Agostino
October 15, 2012
Ex’s lawyer sting ringing. I thought I was done in 1984.
The Good Greatsby
October 17, 2012
I can see why that particular ring might still haunt you.
mommylisa
October 15, 2012
I totally get that too – I feel like the phone is vibrating at least once a week. Maybe my hubby put a chip in me?
The Good Greatsby
October 17, 2012
That makes me wonder if this could all be some sort of conspiracy plot by our spouses to make us think we’re crazy.
Audrey
October 15, 2012
It all makes sense now! And here I was thinking I’d have to ask my doctor about that weird eye twitch.
The Good Greatsby
October 16, 2012
And it’s likely he’d just think you were flirting with him.
Life With The Top Down
October 16, 2012
I couldn’t agree more with your conclusion to being nausited or the urge to leave a room. As for the cell phone, all I can say is, it’s just a matter of time before someone sues or claims it as a disability.
The Good Greatsby
October 16, 2012
It definitely seems like a disability. It’s hard to concentrate on work when I get all excited twice a day that someone is calling me and it turns out to be a phantom vibration. It’s like this phantom is teasing me by making light of my lack of phone calls.
Arindam
October 16, 2012
I am sure next time you are going to tell something important like this one, she is going to believe you.
The Good Greatsby
October 16, 2012
I think she’s just jealous because I get all the cool ailments that she didn’t even know existed.
mistyslaws
October 16, 2012
I think I hear my phone making that texting noise all the time, and when I check . . . nope. No texts. I just think this means that I’m lonely and wish I had more friends that texted me.
The Good Greatsby
October 16, 2012
That’s actually one of the theories those scientists are exploring.
Elyse
October 16, 2012
At this point in my life I think a phantom pocket vibration can only mean that someone gave me a sex change operation in my sleep. Or that I have gas.
The Good Greatsby
October 17, 2012
For your sake I hope it’s gas.
dianasschwenk
October 16, 2012
My German Grandmother told me when her boobs were itchy it was going to snow…
The Good Greatsby
October 16, 2012
There’s got to be a way to make money with that skill.
dianasschwenk
October 16, 2012
Operate a ski lodge?
Jess Witkins
October 16, 2012
OMG I experience this all the time. I always think I’m missing someone calling. But then I saw it once and realized my phone does buzz whenever I get an email and that’s what I was hearing. But…your probably crazy. Good luck with um…things.
The Good Greatsby
October 17, 2012
Don’t be so quick to dismiss me as crazy. You might turn out to be crazier than you think. Are you sure you even have a cellphone?
Jess Witkins
October 17, 2012
Of course! I have the latest model Campbell soup can tied to an old shoelace and I’ve been told I have the best reception one room over by the whole family!
Soma Mukherjee
October 16, 2012
Oh my you are so right there is direct relation between anyone anywhere in the cosmos being nauseous and Vin Diesel looking at a movie script…
but i really do hear a lot of false rings ( to find out it was all in my head) ..i don’t know why i check cos i hardly ever sms ( once or twice a month) and use the cellphone only for emergency calls.
Hansi
October 16, 2012
I too have experienced weird sensations in my pants, but thought I was just horny.
The Good Greatsby
October 17, 2012
I’m not sure scientists have ruled that out as a possibility yet.
spilledinkguy
October 16, 2012
You know…
if you ever meet Vin Diesel it might be difficult to explain all the things you’ve said about Nickleback.
The Good Greatsby
October 17, 2012
I never made Vin Diesel any promises.
susielindau
October 17, 2012
Thanks so much for giving life a whole new meaning!
The Good Greatsby
October 17, 2012
You’re welcome. Although I hope you’ve got some other life meanings on a list somewhere because I don’t know how much long-term mileage you’ll get from this one.
jonfreer
October 17, 2012
Seems to indicate that the people that experience it are extraverts or neurotic. I think if you were an exravert, you would be The Great Greatsby (or I am confusing that with arrogance?) As far as being neurotic, a neurotic person would check over their blog posts obsessively and not have so many typos. So, I think you’re safe there too.
Binky
October 17, 2012
I still think it’s the cell phone faeries.
hotlyspiced
October 17, 2012
I’m definitely guilty of this. I don’t just feel my phone vibrating, I can hear it ringing! xx
HoaiPhai
October 31, 2012
Why would phantoms have cellphone? Aren’t they telepathic or something?
pregoandtheloon
November 30, 2012
I imagine 89 percent of university undergraduates experience phantom vibrations due to their frequent desire for dirty hot sex at the drop of a hat… LOVED the post, and all the comments that followed. That being said I nominated you for the Reader Appreciation Award, and I have provided a link below: http://pregoandtheloon.wordpress.com/2012/11/30/reader-appreciation-award/ Keep up the amazing work, and I look forward to future posts!