I’m shocked! Absolutely shocked!
Yesterday, Fox News pundit Geraldo Rivera apologized after he was criticized for suggesting parents might want to prevent their teenagers from wearing hoodies if hoodies caused teens to be singled out as potential troublemakers as part of his commentary on the Trayvon Martin case. I was shocked! Absolutely shocked!
Right-wing radio host Rush Limbaugh recently apologized after receiving criticism for calling a Georgetown law school student a slut for suggesting her university’s insurance plan should cover birth control. I was shocked! Absolutely shocked! I was so worn out from my shock that I had to drink a bottle of Gatorade to refuel from the shock so I could get back to being shocked as quickly as possible.
Actor Robert De Niro apologized after receiving criticism for joking America wasn’t ready for another white first lady. I was so shocked! So very shocked! I might just give up eating altogether because my stomach is too volatile from all these constant shocks. I can’t keep food down because I’m so constantly shocked!
Former Growing Pains star Kirk Cameron was criticized for saying something about homosexuality. I didn’t get all the details but I’m shocked! Shocked! Shocked! Shocked! Oh how I wish the hurt he had caused me was merely growing pains.
I can think of at least five athletes in the last week who apologized for comments they’ve made. I’m not familiar with the athletes or the exact details of their shocking utterances, but I’m still so, so, so shocked that I might not ever exercise again.
Being so shocked isn’t easy. It requires a full-time commitment. I constantly check the news and Twitter all day, every day, just so I don’t miss an opportunity to be outraged. I sleep with my phone under my pillow and it vibrates to alert me each time a news story contains any comments from politicians or media figures expressing shock at someone’s comments and demanding an apology. My dreams are haunted by outrage.
I start every morning by typing the following keywords into the Google News search engine:
reasons to be offended
things that might hurt my feelings
people who said things I don’t like and should shut up
trending campaigns to demand someone apologize for something even though everyone knows the apology won’t be sincere but at least the apology will satisfy us with a feeling of victorious finality so we can move on to the next opportunity to be shocked
I’m exhausted from all my shock and outrage. At least I think I am. Sometimes I wonder if I’m getting the feeling for outrage confused with other feelings like car sickness or the anticipation of going to a waterpark. It’s hard to know if I’m actually feeling shock or just programmed to shout out how shocked I am as soon as I hear a couple keywords that I know are controversial. If I am getting the feelings confused and the world isn’t near as shocking as I somehow trained myself to believe, there must be somebody to blame–and that somebody owes me an apology.
The Good Greatsby 
stephanie fitzpatrick
March 28, 2012
I’m friggin shocked too… So much so I will be reblogging your blog soon if that’s shocking enough!!! And okay that is…
The Good Greatsby
March 28, 2012
I appreciate your support. I hate to be shocked or to drink alone.
stephanie fitzpatrick
March 28, 2012
Welcome~ maybe I’ll give vodka and jolt cola a whirl…that might be a real good shocker…
thoughtsappear
March 28, 2012
Drink alcohol or Gatorade alone?
susielindau
March 28, 2012
I agree with your satire. We are polarized either into the group of those that are shocked and those that are desensitized….you better take a nap to recover!
The Good Greatsby
March 28, 2012
I’m not sure how I feel about that–does that mean I’m in the shocked or in the desensitized camp?
susielindau
March 28, 2012
I think you are with me. In the camp that can look at the craziness and joke about it!
thelifeofjamie
March 28, 2012
I’m SHOCKED too! I mean what the heck are all these people spewing apologies for? Have they no pride? When you call someone a slut- back it up! Stick to your guns! And racial slurs at presidential functions…who doesn’t love that.
Hand slap to face…aye aye aye
The Good Greatsby
March 28, 2012
All the apologies for shocking have shocked me–who’s going to apologize to me for that?
bigsheepcommunications
March 28, 2012
You just need to refocus a little. I’m sure that your state of shockedness is a genuine medical condition that can be treated with multiple prescriptions from those kind caring pharmaceutical companies. (and don’t worry about side effects – there’s a pill for those too.)
The Good Greatsby
March 28, 2012
If they have a pill to treat my shockedness, do they have a pill that might increase my level of shock and allow me to be more outraged than everyone else.
bigsheepcommunications
March 29, 2012
Of course. Then again, if other people are taking that pill too, it might get ugly.
Kathryn McCullough
March 28, 2012
Your shock is shocking and exhausting even me. Shocking!
The Good Greatsby
March 28, 2012
Don’t just give up and allow me to outpace you in being shocked. With a little work you might achieve my same level of outrage.
Invisible Mikey
March 28, 2012
I’m shocked, absolutely shocked to find there’s philosophy going on here! Round up the usual suspects…
Maggie O'C
March 29, 2012
At least you live overseas, you could avoid the shock and outrage and devastation by bitch slapping your computer and going outside to talk to people who speak Chinglish. Here the shock and outrage is everywhere. I am going to rest on my fainting couch for a spell.
The Good Greatsby
March 29, 2012
Actually you’re right. If I turned off my computer and stopped looking at news from the US, I might be able to convince myself the world isn’t nearly so outraged.
O. Leonard
March 29, 2012
It makes me want to say something shocking. Really, it does. If we don’t stop with all this political correctness, we’re not going to have much left to say. I agree with Jamie. If you said it, stick by it, don’t apologize for it. Geeeez. You said it for some reason.
dadssister
March 29, 2012
Don’t be too shocked. Most apologies are basically insincere and only made to try to make yourself look good. Are you really sorry? Doubt it. But it can keep your booty somewhat out of trouble – marriages and relationships included. “I am so sorry I messed up the toothpaste!” No I really am not. There is a freedom is squeezing it in the middle, but the spouse is pleased and everyone will come out fairly unscathed. No apology in personal or public life can make the issue blow out of proportion and all the minor and major ineptness sneaks in. Peace Not War.
Elyse
March 29, 2012
What is truly shocking is that so many people care what these people say to begin with. And then they are shocked to be insulted by the comments/opinions of idiots. And then shocked when idiots realize that they have been idiotic (but they NEVER realize that they are idiots).
Makes me want to drink heavily with my lunch. Are you shocked?
The Good Greatsby
March 29, 2012
Before I can gauge my level of outrage, I need to know whether you’ll also be drinking heavily with your breakfast and dinner.
Elyse
March 29, 2012
Absolutely. Or should I say, Absolut? Perhaps I should leave it at “Cheers.”
Fred Mim
March 29, 2012
Sometimes being shocked isn’t such a bad thing. I still remember a certain sultry brunette and the things she could do with a car battery in a motel outside of Salinas. But hey, I’m a contrarian.
Carl D'Agostino
March 29, 2012
There is so much bizarre and insane behavior we expect the outlandish as just another bit of outlandishness. Unfortunately the far too often drive by shootings in Miami are no longer a shocking event. Neither is the incident of police gunning down black males in Miami Dade County under the most questionable circumstances. Tragic all, but no longer shocking.
scottcarberry
March 29, 2012
But are you flabbergasted?
Thomas Stazyk
March 29, 2012
Have you seen this?
bearmancartoons
March 29, 2012
“reasons to be offended” I am going to tag my next cartoon with this just so you can find it on Google.
becomingcliche
March 29, 2012
I think Iphones has a new app that will actually deliver a shock when a news story comes in. It will save us all the trouble of actually reading the story.
She's a Maineiac
March 29, 2012
This was your funniest post ever. And saddest. Most outrageous for sure.
Adrienne schmadrienne
March 29, 2012
Your devotion and commitment to being shocked and outraged is pretty amazing. I think I treat it like a sprint when really it’s a marathon. One day I’ll learn.
thesinglecell
March 29, 2012
I think you should apologize for this post. It left me re-shocked and that’s traumatic. Rush Limbaugh, though, didn’t apologize because “people” demanded it. He apologized because his advertisers were leaving all over the place. He ad-pologized.
The Good Greatsby
March 29, 2012
Nice wordplay. I expect ‘ad-pologized’ to enter the lexicon before long.
zannyro
March 29, 2012
You know, there used to be a treatment for people who were so shocked that they had trouble functioning, (or drinking)…it was called “shock treatment”.
zannyro
March 29, 2012
I believe it involved some kind of high voltage stimulation…although you wouldn’t want to spill your drink during this treatment, or you might get shocked.
pattisj
March 29, 2012
I’m so sorry. There’s your apology.
Betsy Andrews Etchart
March 29, 2012
Hilarious! Absolutely Hilarious!
She's a Maineiac
March 29, 2012
I had to read this post again because I don’t think I was properly outraged the first time. I was too busy laughing my ass off.
But now I am shocked! That picture at the top is freaking me out! Your line my dreams are haunted by outrage killed me! I’m still not receiving your post on my ‘Read Blogs’ list! I have to actually track you down by clicking on another link! I am so ticked I’m going to take a nap now!
pegoleg
March 30, 2012
Me too. I’m shocked that WordPress is leaving Paul off our list. Where’s our apology?
The Good Greatsby
March 30, 2012
I’ve had numerous readers mention problems with the ‘Read Blogs’ list and email updates. I’d try and figure out a solution but my success rate when contacting WordPress to fix something has not been high.
She's a Maineiac
March 30, 2012
Maybe if you added a few more exclamation points?!!Just a thought!!!!! I’ve had way too much caffeine today!!
pegoleg
March 31, 2012
Darla, I just had to note that you are a finalist, YET AGAIN, in The Caption Contest. How does this happen, week after week? Bribery? Favors involving Mr. Skittles? Illicit canoodling? Of course it could be just be due to the fact that you’re brilliant, but I prefer sleezy innuendo.
spilledinkguy
March 29, 2012
Thank goodness there wasn’t a Vin Diesel statement in your list.
I’d imagine there’s only so much shock a Greatsby can take.
pegoleg
March 30, 2012
I saw an ad on TV from a law firm that said, with that menacing shark-music in the background, “Has someone shocked you to the point of not being able to exercise or keep food down? You may be entitled to compensation. Call for a free consultation!”
Experiencing both shock and awe at the brilliance of this post.
The Good Greatsby
March 30, 2012
Get me that phone number. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s being entitled to things.
aliciaalim
March 31, 2012
Brilliant way of introducing an otherwise boring list of things. I’m shocked!
HoaiPhai
April 1, 2012
I think that it was John Lennon that started this whole apology thing. Remember when he told Christians that he was sorry for his statement that The Beatles were better known to youth than Christ? His statement was true, and he said it as a condemnation of the young, yet he apologized for having said it!
Our forefathers waited in the old county for generations so other pilgrims could come to The Americas and build nations where the ideals of free speech immunized us against having to say sorry to anyone ever again. And then our ancestors arrived and started saying sorry to those who were direct descendants of the Plymouth Rockers (a great name for an outrageous band, by the way), the Habitants, the Aztecs, and everyone else.
I guess we have to cut John Lennon a little slack because he was still in the old country at the time of his unfortunate apology.
mistyslaws
April 1, 2012
I am so sorry that you were shocked. But I am shocked that you needed an apology! And now I fear I have created a wormhole . . .