In Case You Haven’t Heard, I’m a Big Huge Gigantic Success; I’m Finally Getting the Recognition I’ve Always Claimed I Deserve

Posted on April 8, 2011


It took some time to realize the ghosts running WordPress had selected me for Freshly Pressed because I had reserved the morning for polishing my medals, and there’s no computer in my trophy room. What a fun coincidence I would be sequestered in my awards room polishing my awards at the same time I won another award.

I apologize for taking so long to reply to your comments, but I spent the next few hours clearing a spot for my Freshly Pressed award. More hours were wasted as I contacted WordPress to obtain the exact dimensions of my prize, only to learn Freshly Pressed is not a physical award…and not technically any kind of award either.

I guess it falls on me to commission a trophy befitting my great accomplishment. In the interim, my wife’s computer featuring the Freshly Pressed page has been placed on the top shelf of the April 2011 cabinet. She claims she needs the computer for work, but if I allowed her to spend all day working in there, the awards room would lose some of its cachet. You would not believe how much she’s complained on a day that was supposed to be about me. I wish she were more supportive.

Now that I’m a huge success, I’m sure many of you are wondering whether fame will change me. Let me answer by saying: I’ll never forget the support of all you nobodies.

To my loyal readers who were here from day one, let me say: Do I know you? Please stop telling people you knew me way back when.

As I reflect upon my new found fame I remember how I always promised if I found success I wouldn’t forget the little people I climbed over to get here. But nobody told me the little people would become so little that I couldn’t even see them with the naked eye. I’d like to thank you teeny-tiny people, but I don’t even know what direction to look. I would tell you snack-sized supporters to shout in my direction, but I’d never hear you over the imaginary applause in my head.

You may be wondering if success has given me a big head, but those of you who have met me already know my head is quite large both literally and figuratively, and you might assume it couldn’t get any bigger.

But you were wrong. My head is now so big I can no longer sit up unassisted, necessitating an elaborate support structure with my head in the center of two crutches forming an inverted V.  The biggest problem is that the public pronouncement of my ruse for tricking the police has made me paranoid of retribution, and now is the time for looking over my shoulder, but alas, my crutch support system allows no neck movement.

The downside of all this fame is that I’d already spent years unsuccessfully searching for a top hat in my size, and now my head’s even bigger.

Thank you for all your kind comments. If you liked yesterday’s post, you should know I was barely even trying.

Follow thegoodgreatsby on Twitter

Posted in: Columns