In response to overwhelming popular demand by two or three readers, Wednesdays will be devoted to an advice column in which I’ll fix your problems with the assistance of a guest panelist. Today’s guest panelist will be my personal assistant, Ken. Ken was selected because I haven’t had time to find anyone good. You wouldn’t expect Ken to be a good source of advice because of his pattern of terrible life choices, and that’s exactly why I wasn’t surprised he turned out to be terrible.
The first two questions come from blogger extraordinaire, Ellie Ann Soderstrom, from ellieannsoderstrom.wordpress.com. Check out her site. I especially enjoy and recommend any of her posts wherein my name is mentioned. Ellie’s life is in perfect order, and she required no advice for herself, so she forwarded me these emails from a couple of her friends in the hope I might offer some expert counsel.
Dear Good Greatsby,
I am a level 68 Wargen Warlock, a fact I am quite proud of. I’ve worked hard to achieve such a status. I have a date tonight and I’m wondering if I should bring it up or would it sound like I’m bragging?
Worried Warlock
Dear Worried Warlock,
Paul: If there’s one thing I hate, it’s a braggart. I never brag. As a matter of fact, I’m probably the best at never bragging of anybody I know.
Your date will be more impressed with your Warlock status if she hears it from someone other than you. Is it possible to ask a friend to ‘accidentally’ bump into you at the restaurant and pretend to be an ex-girlfriend? She can mention your Warlock status when she begs you to either take her back or break the love spell giving her hives whenever she’s out of your presence.
Ken: How did you get this picture of me? I was alone and this was five years before we ever met.
I told Paul again and again that I don’t have time to answer any questions if he insists I reply to his fan mail over the weekend without any compensation. (All of his fan mail is written in handwriting remarkably similar to Paul’s, and the return address is a PO box next door to Paul’s favorite sandwich shop. Some of the letters are smudged with mustard fingerprints. Hmm…)
Dear Good Greatsby,
I have a problem with our nanny. At first she was great, but now my son runs yelling around the house when I’m trying to watch TV, he’ll beg to come with me on my days out, he’ll refuse to wear the suits I put out for him, he’ll swear in another language, and he’s stopped giving me kisses. As I recently hired a private investigator to follow my husband around, you can imagine what a busy time this is for me…I do not need a challenging child on my plate. Help!
Stressed by the Hired Help
Dear Stressed by the Hired Help,
Paul: Sometimes what may seem like a broad range of behavioral problems can be traced back to the child not feeling enough love. In your son’s case, it sounds like he’s not feeling enough love for the suits you’ve selected for him, and his wardrobe embarrassment is causing him to act out. Suit styles are constantly changing, and the double-breasted jackets and cuffed pants of your husband’s generation are no longer popular. Your son may feel isolated if he’s the only boy not wearing inverted pleat trousers during kickball. Is it possible for your private investigator to follow your son to school, pose as a student for a day, and provide surveillance on the style of suits your son’s friends are wearing?
Ken: I worry Paul is missing the pleat. (Get it? Pleat instead of point? A bit of suit humor for you.) Is it possible you’re not spending enough time with your son, and he’s feeling neglected? Sometimes children misbehave to get attention when they don’t feel enough love from parents. Sometimes also adults when they don’t feel enough love from a personal assistant. For example, maybe a boss asks you to read his screenplay for a Wonder Years movie and you forget to read it, and when he asks you if you liked it, you tell him Fred Savage is in his thirties and too old to play a middle-schooler anymore, and your boss locks himself in a bathroom (not even at his own house) and sobs for two hours.
The next question comes from a reader named Great Goodsby:
Dear Good Greatsby,
My personal assistant’s girlfriend is always dropping by work at the time of day she must know he’s out getting me sandwiches. She stays an hour and flirts with me the entire time and makes me feel uncomfortable by talking about intimacy problems she’s having with my assistant. Here’s my question for you: If my assistant brings back a sandwich on a type of bread different than I requested, what percentage of the sandwich cost should I deduct from his salary?
Wishing I Had Rye Bread
Dear Wishing I Had Rye Bread,
Paul: I’ll let Ken start on this one.
Ken:
The last question comes from my wife via text message.
Dear Good Greatsby,
Will you pick up the boys from swimming lessons in an hour?
Marryin’thelibrarian
Dear Marryin’thelibrarian,
Paul: Ken, will you pick up my kids from swimming lessons? You better hurry because I got that message three hours ago. Can you also grab me a sandwich while you’re out?
Ken:
These aren't my books so don't judge me based on the lowbrow selection. Do you have a question for The Good Greatsby?
Submit your questions for The Good Greatsby on the Dear Good Greatsby page.
The Good Greatsby 
Ellie Ann
July 20, 2011
My Warlock friend’s date went SO well, thanks to your advice. He actually had to pay his landlord’s daughter to come and “bump into him,” as he didn’t have any ex-girlfriends. But he said his date was extremely impressed when the girl told him he was an “extremely powerful git.” In fact, the date respected his powers so much she said she could never be with a man who casts love spells as she’d never really know if she was in love or not, which my friend completely understood. And then he got to spend the rest of the night playing WoW, so he had a completely enjoyable night.
However, my friend with the nanny … she’s not stopped yelling at me over the phone yet. She said that the her taste in suits is “classy and ageless,” and that putting the PI undercover at the middle school was a really really bad idea.
The Good Greatsby
July 20, 2011
A good PI would have found a way to blend in with the other youngsters. He never should have demanded to be kickball team captain if he had no idea how to play.
jacquelincangro
July 20, 2011
I imagine you wearing the smoking jacket and smoking the pipe as you answer these questions. I hope that is true.
Looking forward to more pearls of wisdom from you and Ken. Though I must say Ken’s answers do seem a bit slipshod. He might need some incentive to give more thoughtful answers. Maybe he needs a smoking jacket.
The Good Greatsby
July 20, 2011
I do indeed wear the smoking jacket and the pipe is clenched in my teeth, although I’m not smoking it and wouldn’t even know how to light it.
You’re right about Ken’s answers. I wish he would take more pride in his work.
HoaiPhai
July 20, 2011
I’m glad to hear that you’re branching out and have found yet another way to keep humanity on-track.
P.S. If nobody’s ever actually used your pipe, go to a restaurant (or bar) and order a cool drink. When it’s served to you, use your pipe as a straw and slurp it up fast in fromt of the waiter. If you can manage to rig your smoking jacket to start smoldering at that precise moment, so much the better!
misswhiplash
July 20, 2011
Your wit, your humour, your level of intelligence, know no bounds. I am flabbergasted beyond belief….
The Good Greatsby
July 20, 2011
Thank you. I’m going to write your comment on a note card and carry it around in my pocket as a reference.
Meet the Buttrams
July 20, 2011
Ken really dropped the ball at the end there. You might need a new assistant. I can hire out my 7-year-old, but he won’t be 7 until Friday. Also, his advice will most likely include ninjas in the solution.
Who am I kidding, that would be GREAT advice.
The Good Greatsby
July 20, 2011
All your seven-year-old has to do to surpass Ken is learn to write down a sandwich order.
Lenore Diane
July 20, 2011
I’m not sure where to begin… Can either you or Ken help me with that?
Oh my gosh, I really don’t know where to begin. I need a moment.
The Good Greatsby
July 20, 2011
I’m not sure where to begin to fix your inability to know where to begin. I’ll probably need more information.
pegoleg
July 20, 2011
Ann Landers is rolling over in her grave.
Do you have any advice on how she can stop doing that?
The Good Greatsby
July 20, 2011
This is a frequent complaint when too much grave wax is used.
Barbie knoop
July 20, 2011
On my way to the airport … Forgot my asprin …. My neck has never been in such pain! Best post yet !! Love LOVE the smoking jacket!
The Good Greatsby
July 20, 2011
If causing you pain is a reflection of the quality of the post, I’m absolutely flattered to cause you trouble.
The Simple Life of a Country Man's Wife
July 20, 2011
I’m still thinking of the Wonder Years movie!
The Good Greatsby
July 20, 2011
What does Ken know about a good screenplay? The movie should have all the original Wonder Years cast playing teenagers. This would make the film so much more poignant but Ken didn’t get it.
Walter
July 20, 2011
I think Ken is cold and needs some clothes. Also, you need a scarf with that jacket. Or a monocle.
The Good Greatsby
July 20, 2011
I’ve been looking for a cravat but there aren’t any cravat stores in my neighborhood.
Walter
July 20, 2011
Have your wife knit you one. Or make the Fonz do it.
thoughtsappear
July 20, 2011
Dude! I think that’s my bookshelf!
I mean, I’ve never seen those before in my entire life. Stephen King and Dean Koontz? Never heard of ’em.
The Good Greatsby
July 20, 2011
I’m sure some people love Dean Koontz, but I’ve never read him and felt like I should explain the reason he was on this bookshelf.
limr
July 20, 2011
I don’t think Ken is real at all. I think you invented him to make Todd jealous. Maybe Todd would give better advice and bring more sandwiches. Or, come to think of it, maybe not.
The Good Greatsby
July 20, 2011
I would never count on Todd to bring sandwiches since he can barely afford Pop-tarts.
thoughtsappear
July 21, 2011
Mmmm…Pop-Tarts. Is Todd single?
Renee Schuls-Jacobson
July 20, 2011
This is positively brilliant. I can’t wait to submit a problem. I mean a problem from a friend. Right. A friend. My friends have big problems.
Careful with that mustard. I hear it’s particularly hard to get mustard stains out of smoking jackets.
The Good Greatsby
July 20, 2011
All I can do is try and keep my elbows off the table.
Lunar Euphoria
July 20, 2011
That smoking jacket is fantastic!! You’ve inspired me to take a picture with my cigarette holder and elbow-length gloves.
The Good Greatsby
July 21, 2011
Please send me a picture. Let’s all make an effort to be more classy.
EllieAnn
July 21, 2011
It’s the best non-smokin smoking jacket I’ve ever seen-since the last time I watched Sherlock Holmes. Admit it, Greatsby. You were hoping someone would call you either Sherlock or Robert Downey Jr.
torcon1
July 20, 2011
TGG – Great post! My question: have you ever been mistaken for actor James Franco…oops…I mean football legend Franco Harris. Sorry for the typo….
The Good Greatsby
July 21, 2011
I don’t think I’ve ever been mistaken for either, although I would definitely prefer to be confused with James Franco over Franco Harris.
Amy
July 20, 2011
I was going to compliment you on your taste in books, but since they aren’t yours, I won’t.
I will compliment you on your advice-giving abilities, however. They are spot-0n. Ken seems to be phoneing it in, though.
The Good Greatsby
July 21, 2011
I’m certainly disappointed in Ken’s performance. If he can’t give good advice or accurately fill a sandwich order, what good is he as a personal assistant?
Spectra
July 20, 2011
That smoking jacket is positively divine! I have to wonder, however, what essentials your children will be sacrificing now that you have elevated your wardrobe with this classic piece.
(and Ken needs a wardrobe consultant. Or a raise.)
The Good Greatsby
July 21, 2011
They may have to do without some vaccines, but I’m not definite those things work anyway.
ajg
July 21, 2011
Does Ken have his own blog?
Xpp Trombone
July 21, 2011
Yes, Ken’s blog is here: ______?
The Good Greatsby
July 21, 2011
Ken would never be able to afford his own blog; he can barely afford his own shirt.
girlonthecontrary
July 21, 2011
I heard Ken is stepping out on you and is picking up sandwiches for someone else. You need to lock that down immediately.
The Good Greatsby
July 21, 2011
Sometimes he hands me my bag with the sandwich inside and I find a crumpled, used napkin under my sandwich. Who did that napkin come from?
Kim Pugliano
July 21, 2011
Dear Great~
Please oh please can I be a guest panelist? I give really good advice, even when it’s not requested. It’s just what I do. Strangers, little children, my parents, the next door neighbors (on both sides), even random cars. I just write down my advice on a 3×5 note card (I keep at least 3 packs in my purse so they’re always ready at the quick) and hand the note to whomever I feel needs it. The thing is I think I need a better platform for my advice because it seems nobody ever appreciates it. What’s wrong with telling a stranger to stand up straight or my neighbor to clean up her yard or that guy in the car next to me to change his music choice? I don’t get it. Let me know.
The Good Greatsby
July 21, 2011
I felt the same way. I have so much great advice to give, but people don’t ask me for it enough.
savesprinkles1234
July 21, 2011
I have no problems at the moment, but I do have a question. Do you wear the smoking jacket to your kids’ parent teacher conferences? As a former teacher I would be impressed to the point of speechlessness if a dad walked into a conference sporting a smoking jacket.
The Good Greatsby
July 21, 2011
I haven’t had a parent teacher conference since the time I got the jacket, but both my sons’ teachers have seen me wear the jacket at social engagements and I’m sure they were mighty impressed.
Bridgesburning Chris King
July 21, 2011
Wow! Finally I can get the answers to all my problems!! Keep Ken though he adds comedic relief to an otherwise serious blog!
The Good Greatsby
July 21, 2011
I’m sure Ken will be back although he is very actively seeking other employment.
Binky
July 21, 2011
Does a cool smoking jacket solve all of life’s problems, or just some?
The Good Greatsby
July 21, 2011
It doesn’t solve all problems but it makes you feel good to look so dashing when considering those unsolvable problems.
cooper
July 21, 2011
does hugh hefner know you raided his wardrobe?
The Good Greatsby
July 21, 2011
If only you knew how many times Hugh has called me asking for fashion advice.
Kim
July 21, 2011
I have a question!!!!!! Why are you standing in front of my low-brow selection of books? How did you even get in? Me and The Beast are going to need to have a talk. I hope you’re at least missing your left foot!
The Good Greatsby
July 21, 2011
He was aggressive at first, but I gave him some advice helping him to see his aggression was the result of other suppressed issues.
Casserole Dish
July 21, 2011
so…dang…funny.
monicastangledweb
July 21, 2011
How does your family manage to live with such greatness–and the smoking jacket, too? I hope they recognize how lucky they are to be living in the shadow of someone as wise and thoughtful as you. RIght about now, they should be thanking their lucky stars–and, to think, they get to get your advice for free! Will wonders never cease!
japecake
July 23, 2011
Your bookshelves should be made of polished mahogany, not cheap pine, and the books should be leather-bound, not airport paperbacks, but, apart from that, nicely done.
jessicaber
July 29, 2011
Dear Good Great Gatsby,
My oldest son was taken from me when he was 10 weeks old by SRS. I have not seen him in 7 years as of this fall. His little brother lives with me and would like his brother back in my custody. Can you help us and the dad? Our little boy was taken from him too.