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July 13, 2011 10:02 pm
A US company is marketing a DNA test for children that promises to determine whether your infant has the potential to be a star athlete. The test searches for the presence of the ACT3N gene which has been linked to athletic ability in one previous study. Critics suggest possessing one particular gene provides very little insight because ability is based on a complex combination.
Allow me to give the following examples:
You may be thrilled if your child possesses:
FR23 (Fast runner gene)
But your responsibilities as a parent may grow exhausting with the following tandem:
FR23 (Fast runner gene) + PS (Plays with scissors gene)
Maybe you don’t care about athletics and it doesn’t bother you if your kid inherits:
SR12 (Slow runner gene)
But you should be concerned with the following combination:
SR12 (Slow runner gene) + TB14a (Likes to tease bees gene)
DNA testing can also provide insightful information beyond athletics. Your child is likely to excel at school if she inherits:
Li9 (Listening gene)
But this could be disastrous if she also has:
Li9 (Listening gene) + RoP (Repeats gossip heard from parents during office Christmas party gene)
With good parenting, your child may be taught to overcome the social stigma if he is cursed with:
NP1 (Nose picking gene)
But your child may not be able to overcome the combination:
NP1 (Nose picking gene) + Sa1 (Smearing gene)
Some parents desire a large quantity of grandchildren and are thrilled to learn their child possesses:
Fe7g (Fertility gene)
But may find themselves grandparents much earlier than expected:
Fe7g (Fertility gene) + FTPa (Failed to plan ahead gene) + EP (Easily persuaded gene)
Your child may love playing with fireworks:
Fw2 (Fireworks gene)
But he may not get very far in life if this gene is coupled with:
Fw2 (Fireworks gene) + SH (Shaky hands gene)
Not all kids have to be geniuses so don’t be discouraged if your child has:
EPt12 (Eats paste gene)
But you may have cause for concern if she also carries:
JDu7 (Too ugly to find a rich husband gene)
For which undesirable genes would you test your children?
Posted by The Good Greatsby
Categories: Breaking News Fixed
Tags: children, comedy, DNA, family, genes, humor, kids, satire
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Science is so sexy.
By Sid on July 13, 2011 at 10:08 pm
I hope I’m helping readers see science in a whole new light.
By The Good Greatsby on July 14, 2011 at 10:49 am
Well, clearly my son has the SGu56 (swallows gum) gene, as he is on his 2nd piece within 10 minutes. The other son was apparently blessed with the WBo17 (whiny boy) gene. He’s cute, though, so we don’t mind.
By Lenore Diane on July 13, 2011 at 10:18 pm
Inheriting a cute gene can help overcome a lot of negative genes.
By The Good Greatsby on July 14, 2011 at 10:44 am
I’m only interested really in gene therapy. In particular, can we work with LBcn8 (loves bacon gene) to make bacon not adversely affect his health? While we’re at it, is there something they can combine with NtQ8 (not quiet gene) so that he stop talking long enough to breathe?
By accidentalstepmom on July 13, 2011 at 10:28 pm
I think my youngest might have NtQ8. We’re considering having him tested.
By The Good Greatsby on July 14, 2011 at 10:48 am
Throw into the mix some genetic misfired genes and you could gave a future president/superhero/king/rock star/vampire/wizard…the possibilities are endless!
By Bridgesburning Chris King on July 13, 2011 at 10:36 pm
There must be some way to determine a variation that might make them superheroes or wizards.
By The Good Greatsby on July 14, 2011 at 10:46 am
I’d have to be very wary of the BpW6 (believes in professional wresting) gene. It’s a definite indicator of a really tough life ahead.
By omawarisan on July 13, 2011 at 10:48 pm
I bet scientists will someday prove all professional wrestler believers really do share a common gene.
By The Good Greatsby on July 14, 2011 at 10:47 am
I prefer that we find out children’s athletic abilities through traditional methods – the parents having RS34 (Ridicule & Shaming gene), the LCV12 (Love, Conditional on Victory gene) and the OC3UDAG (Over-Compensating for Unfulfilled Dreams of Athletic Glory gene).
By Byron MacLymont on July 13, 2011 at 11:45 pm
I actually wish I had those genes in at least some small proportion so I could get my kids to baseball practice on time.
By The Good Greatsby on July 15, 2011 at 11:04 am
In Canada the gene pool is frozen for 8 or 9 months of the year, so we don’t worry too much about people who are in the shallow end (the SE4-3 gene).
By Margie on July 14, 2011 at 12:03 am
This test is a great idea. If your baby tests negative, you can be disappointed in him at birth instead of going through the time-consuming process of getting to know him first. And if he tests positive, then you can point out to him later that failure to achieve athletic greatness means he’s just not trying hard enough.
Sorry if this seems a bit negative. I tested positive for the cynicism gene.
By Laura on July 14, 2011 at 12:26 am
I think most children would be grateful to know of your disappointment immediately at birth instead of waiting for twenty years.
By The Good Greatsby on July 15, 2011 at 11:05 am
Tiger Woods has the ACR3N gene. Unfortunately, as many of his pro-athlete brethren have shown, it is often found in combination with CKIhP10 (Can’t Keep It in his Pants)
By pegoleg on July 14, 2011 at 12:34 am
It’s a tough combination to overcome, although being fabulously wealthy probably makes it easier.
By The Good Greatsby on July 15, 2011 at 3:36 pm
I’m afraid I have the LaPf90210 gene (Lazy Perfectionist) and the recessive OpReAL gene (Optomistic Realist). It’s a lethal combination.
By jacquelincangro on July 14, 2011 at 1:02 am
I think I have a bit of the Lazy Perfectionist. I have a long list of things I can’t finish because I want them to be perfect, so I avoid that list at all costs.
By The Good Greatsby on July 15, 2011 at 11:06 am
I sucked at science. When it came to all the genes and chromosome crap, I could care less. I just barely passed.
All I know all the stupid traits my kid’s have is from their father.
By ryoko861 on July 14, 2011 at 1:22 am
My wife and I also occasionally blame each other for the children’s deficient traits. “Nobody in my family has ever put their finger up their nose. He must get that from your side!”
By The Good Greatsby on July 15, 2011 at 11:13 am
I’m guessing that CACT3N line was pretty long, so my kid opted to get in the Geek line twice. That’s why he knows all about the Periodic Table at age 11. It’s okay. He may get knocked around a bit, but ultimately, the Geeks rule the world. Isn’t that what it says in the Bible?
By Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson on July 14, 2011 at 1:44 am
With no kids of my own, I may have to start testing my friends’ kids for the TC2ALihD99 gene.(Takes Care of Crazy Aunt Leo in her Dotage). I know my nephews don’t have it.
By limr on July 14, 2011 at 1:45 am
Hmm… perhaps the FAAW1 gene (future academy award winner).
You know… just like you know who.
🙂
By spilledinkguy on July 14, 2011 at 1:47 am
Unfortunately, due to the presence of the LmAO H2o gene – I’m genetically predisposed to spray liquid out my nose when I laugh. Thanks for the genetic trigger event bro!
By torcon1 on July 14, 2011 at 1:50 am
Hahahahahahaha! Love it. Hilarious. Snort.
One can only hope the SR (slow runner gene) doesn’t get thrown in with the ever prevalent
LtoYRS (likes to yell racial slurs gene).
Good post.
By gmom on July 14, 2011 at 2:08 am
Watch out for those children with bad combinations of N+N [nature plus nurture].
By modestypress on July 14, 2011 at 3:37 am
I worry sometimes my kids inherited the 2L8 gene from my wife. (That’s the gene that makes you show up 5-10 minutes late for everything.)
By Todd Pack on July 14, 2011 at 3:47 am
I see the benefits – I’m pretty sure my Mom wouldn’t have helped stoke the fires of my Sl47 (Shoe Lover gene) if she knew I also posessed the TTFD100 (Tendancy to Fall Down gene). Or at least she would have pointed me in the directions of flats.
By nancyfrancis on July 14, 2011 at 3:47 am
I swear you borrowed all these genotype codes from my personal scribbles and theories.
Remember Gattaca? It isn’t so SciFi anymore!
By reneedavies on July 14, 2011 at 3:50 am
I think I would test my children for PI10TA Gene…the one that tells you which decade your child will stop being a pain in the ass.
By thelifeofjamie on July 14, 2011 at 8:03 am
I want to be the lawyer who organizes the class action suit against the company that markets the DNA test because when a bunch of parents put Olympic swimming pools in their back yards in anticipation of their toddlers becoming the next Mark Spitz and it doesn’t happen (duh!) it will be the biggest lawsuit in history!
By Thomas Stazyk on July 14, 2011 at 9:27 am
Too funny, yet scarily, so true!
By pegoleg on July 14, 2011 at 10:55 pm
I am not getting notified your posts nor any others. My settings seem right and are at instantly. Are you having problem?
By Carl D'Agostino on July 14, 2011 at 10:19 am
In Canada we’re seeing an increasing tendancy of Members of Parliament expressing the gene FeDPol, which predisposes the afflicted to talk out of both sides of their mouths.
By HoaiPhai on July 14, 2011 at 2:35 pm
Is there a not picking up after themselves gene? How about a smelling bad at 14 gene? If there is a boy that does not possess those I would adopt him tomorrow.
By Bridget on July 14, 2011 at 3:14 pm
I hate to tell you this but that particular set of problems cannot be remedied with gene therapy… you’ll have to replace the Y chromosome with a second X chromosome. The benefits to this extreme measure will be limited because as soon as a tidy and good-smelling XX human is introduced into a habitat, stinky messy XYs are drawn to the area.
By HoaiPhai on July 14, 2011 at 4:55 pm
I think most children are born with the IAAM gene (It’s All About Me) and when they grow up to become parents themselves it mysteriously switches over to the WIWAK gene (When I Was A Kid) as in … “when I was a kid, I had to walk 20 miles to school, in the snow, up hill ~ both ways!”
By Anonymous Betty on July 14, 2011 at 9:13 pm
Is there a gene for “Makes Wildly Inappropriate Comments In Public”? Because all the kids I work with definitely have that. Something in the water…
By hangryhippo on July 14, 2011 at 10:18 pm
My kids seem to have inherited the “selective hearing” gene from my ex-husband…sigh…
Wendy
By writerwoman61 on July 15, 2011 at 1:29 am
I’m concerned my children have the LOS gene (loud & over stimulating), hence my twitching and shaking.
By youngamericanwisdom.com on July 15, 2011 at 9:00 pm