The last couple weeks, The Fonz has been especially interested in the tooth fairy. As a parent I always worried about the day the kids would start seeing holes in the tooth fairy’s story because adults have done such a poor job establishing the tooth fairy legend. Why do we spend so much time establishing an intricate web of lies to support the Santa Claus story while giving no thought to having the Tooth Fairy’s back? Once kids take the Tooth Fairy down, it won’t be long before they set their sights on Santa.
A fairy comes and gives kids money for teeth? What’s her motivation? The kids don’t have to be good, right? Where does she live? What explains her undeniably creepy 
obsession with children’s teeth? Can you imagine the creepiness of a giant vault full of children’s teeth? Why don’t adults get money when teeth get knocked out in a bar fight?
When The Fonz asked why she wants our teeth, Optimist Prime told him she collects children’s teeth as replacements for old ladies’ teeth. When The Fonz asked me if this was true, I had to shrug because it seemed as good an answer as any, and OP reads four books a week and is usually pretty reliable.
He also offered the insight, “I know why they chose a fairy. Because a dragon would be too big.”
…..
A teacher at The Fonz’s school told me she approached him in the library where he sat wearing a cape and reading a book. The Fonz remarked, “Isn’t it so funny that vampires read?”
At first I laughed, but then I remembered this couldn’t be true because if vampires could read they’d probably have better jobs and wouldn’t have to turn to a life of vampiring. I’d complain to the librarian about the books he’s reading in the library but I’m married to the librarian.
…..
Only one day left to vote in the caption contest. And just to be clear, that one day is today.
…..
If you’re visiting my site because a search engine told you I was an expert on Obama and Mongolia, I hate to disappoint you but I’m only an expert on Obama blocking 
President Elbegdorj’s face in a picture. I received about 100 “Obama + Mongolia” search terms so far today. If this trend continues, I plan to write exclusively about Obama and Mongolia, similar to my plans to write exclusively about Princess Beatrice’s fascinator earlier this summer.
The Good Greatsby 
stuffialmostbought
September 24, 2011
I’ve always thought it should be an “Easter Fairy” & “Tooth Bunny”. I hear bunnies have excellent teeth.
The Good Greatsby
September 25, 2011
That sounds a lot better. It never made any sense that a bunny would be interested in bringing eggs on a religious holiday.
Glynis Sylvia
September 25, 2011
Seriously. And WHY don’t we hear ANYthing on the devoted Easter Chicken hens who have their children removed from them just to have them hard-boiled and dyed weird colors?
Who Makes UP these oddball traditions anyway? The Earthwide Egg Ensemble? They’re raking in the bucks along with the Turkey Triumvirate. But they’re small potatoes compared to Hallmark cards, and that necrophilic relationship between the funeral directors and the florists.
Renee Schuls-Jacobson
September 24, 2011
We are Jewish. The Tooth Fairy is all we’ve got. And I can answer anything. Try me. (Maybe I should blog about this.) At age 12, my son is still a firm believer. Why? Possibly because believing directly benefits him; possibly because he still has 10 baby teeth to lose; but I like to believe it is because we crafted a story that is airtight like a jar of Smuckers Jelly.
It is possible he could be a little dim…
nuvofelt
September 25, 2011
Don’t blog about it until after he’s lost those teeth. He might read it and that will ruin everything
Unless you want to save the cash, that is.
The Good Greatsby
September 25, 2011
I’m not worried about him getting that information here because reading my blog is one thing he definitely doesn’t believe in.
jacquelincangro
September 24, 2011
O.P. is one smart kid. Maybe he can answer this: where does the tooth fairy get all of the money that she leaves the kids under their pillows? Is she knocking over a bank? Performing some sort of strange Robin Hood deed where she steals from the old ladies and gives to the young kids?
The Good Greatsby
September 25, 2011
Her source of funding certainly raises some suspicions. Is she backed by a giant bio-engineering company hoping to use those teeth to create clones of our children?
Glynis Sylvia
September 25, 2011
Simple. Old ladies don’t move to new houses very often. (That’s probably why the place smells that way.) Therefore, all the change that gets lost in their couches just stays there, rather than falling out to tip the moving men. They also have spare change, and a mountain of unmatched socks in that secret compartment in their clothes dryer.
gojulesgo
September 24, 2011
My favorite part of this Saturday Scoop is picturing The Fonz wearing a cape and reading in the library. If someone could promise me kids as entertaining as yours, I’d be a lot less hesitant to march in the parent parade.
limr
September 24, 2011
I had a root canal last year. Don’t I deserve something? After all, that’s like losing half a tooth. But then again, I no longer like the idea of a stranger coming into my house at night, standing over my bed to make sure I’m asleep, and then leaving a gift for me to find when I wake up in the morning. It’s way too stalkery. I’d still like the money, but perhaps it could be left at the doorstep?
The Good Greatsby
September 25, 2011
A root canal is much more deserving of a dollar under the pillow. You get money for losing teeth as a kid and you’ve got to pay thousands to have teeth fixed as an adult. Doesn’t make sense.
Glynis Sylvia
September 25, 2011
A smart, forward-thinking kid might consider saving up that money for future dental work. (Try that with your kids.)
HoaiPhai
September 25, 2011
I had a root canal done last year. I saved the enamel gravel I spat out into the dentist’s basin and put it under my pillow. I got 25¢ in pennies. Hardly seems worth it.
psychowatcher
September 25, 2011
I’m going to have nightmares about the tooth fairy now!
She's a Maineiac
September 24, 2011
That top picture gave me some creepy flashbacks. I seem to remember my brother coming at me with some pliers once…I also have fuzzy memories of them tying a string to my tooth, and the other end to their go-kart. I think the tooth fairy owes me big time.
prttynpnk
September 24, 2011
I found your blog when I was looking for images of Obama wearing Beatrice’s fascinator……
gerknoop
September 24, 2011
I agree about the tooth fairy. However I kind of think Hermey from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer may have become the tooth fairy. Yukon Cornelius finances him, as he finally stuck GOLD.
After watching Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer the first time my son looked at me and said “Mom”, “Santa is a bigot” ha ha ha ha ha haha!
Kathryn McCullough
September 24, 2011
I’m with Jacquelin. Where/How does the Tooth Fairie acquire her funding?
gardenmad
September 25, 2011
I don’t know about the “other” tooth fairies out there, but this one sometimes got funding from the kid’s piggy banks. I suppose this would only work if you weren’t raising a young accountant, but that didn’t seem to be a problem in our house. (Although my oldest does charge me interest when I borrow money now.)
Dana
September 25, 2011
I never really gave the Tooth Fairy much thought, but then again– neither did my parents. Our Tooth Fairy didn’t even take the teeth with her– she just left a couple of quarters beside them and got the eff out of Dodge. I don’t blame her. Teeth are disgusting.
gardenmad
September 25, 2011
The problem we always had with our boys was what happened if your tooth came out, but you’d either swallowed it or lost it. Our youngest, “Scrappy Do” lost one in a Rice Krispie square, and ate it. There was no evidence for the tooth fairy. Do you leave a note? Also, I swear our oldest son, “Inquiring Mind” didn’t ever really sleep. It was very tricky to try and fish the tooth out from under his pillow and leave the cash without getting busted. It also turns out that being consistent with the payment amount is very important. The kids can’t remember to brush their teeth, but they remember the exact amount left each and every time by the fairy. It’s a tough gig, being a tooth fairy.
Also, please, please, please vote for me in the caption contest. It’s very selfish of me, because I already possess the attributes that Greatsby is awarding the winner, but I really want the literary fame that goes with the honour. Doors will open, people will bow, my life as I know it will change. Vote for me and I’ll be your best friend for life. (Or until someone better comes along.) I doubt I’ll sleep tonight……..
Laura
September 25, 2011
My theory: the tooth fairy is motivated by an overwhelming desire to protect elephants from the ivory trade. Every thousand baby teeth collected saves one elephant. Adults who lose teeth in bar fights don’t get paid because their teeth are lower quality and more likely to be stained.
spilledinkguy
September 25, 2011
I wonder what a vampire fang goes for these days?!
I suspect the tooth fairy would be all about that sort of thing.
John Erickson
September 25, 2011
It may just be me, but I’d have slept a WHOLE lot better thinking about the Tooth Dragon. Some chick in tights and a tutu with wings, coming after my teeth? SCARY! A big ol’ loveable dragon, with deep, dark, mysterious eyes, seeking teeth to guard his lair from the greedy humans trying to steal his gold? I’m down with that!
(Not like my collection of dragon statues, my two stuffed dragons, and my sword collection have ANYTHING to do with my comments here.)
H.E. ELLIS
September 25, 2011
I’ve saved all my kids teeth with the express purpose of being buried with them in my mouth so if I ever get dug up one day I’ll freak future scientists out. But what I tell my kids is that the tooth fairy takes your teeth and sells them to spray paint factories, so the sound you hear when you shake the can is actually baby teeth mixing paint.
I need help.
mistyslaws
September 27, 2011
Oh dear lord, that is brilliant. I would use that if I didn’t think it would scar them for life!! Then again, I need help as well, so there’s no telling what I might say. Plus, I’ve probably already ensured years of therapy, so . . .
Educlaytion
September 25, 2011
Great point about the tooth fairy. OP is sharp. And I love that line about the librarian.
EllieAnn
September 25, 2011
Hm. I always get money when my teeth get knocked out in bar fights.
The Good Greatsby
September 25, 2011
Is it money from the bar owner bribing you not to patronize and start fights in his establishment anymore?
Spectra
September 26, 2011
-he’d make more money selling rights to those fights. Guys love chick fights. A tooth knocked out? You’ve just been elevated from soft-pre-porn to Reality TV! Snookie, step aside.
Glynis Sylvia
September 25, 2011
Aha ! Miss Fussypants has caught the great Greatsby in a mistake. “Once kids take the Tooth Fairy down, it won’t be long before they set their sites on Santa.” That should be “sights”.
Penny
September 25, 2011
I can remember a few visits from the tooth fairy as a child, she was always very prompt ! 🙂
pattisj
September 25, 2011
How many wives do you have?
The Good Greatsby
September 25, 2011
Just the librarian.
Glynis Sylvia
September 27, 2011
She thought he whispered sexily……
ajg
September 25, 2011
obama mongolia obama mongolia obama mongolia
obamongolia!
HoaiPhai
September 25, 2011
Mom always told me the Tooth Fairy used the teeth to pave a road in some God-forsaken magical kingdom.
Teeth aside, I think all our holidays could benefit from their own supernatural mascots, like the Thanksgiving Horseshoe Crab (perfect for hauling frozen turkeys on its back), the Arbor Day Termite, the April Fools Day Meter Maid, the Labour Day Hooker, etc.
Spectra
September 26, 2011
*LIKE
nancyfrancis
September 25, 2011
I’m fairly confident that adults do receive some cash when their teeth are knocked out in bar fights … They’re just generally too blasted to realize that their bar tab has shrunk by an incredibly small amount. It’s too bad she doesn’t have any competition, because she’s such a Scrooge!
Carl D'Agostino
September 25, 2011
The TF never left me more than 40 cents. Cheap witch.
pegoleg
September 26, 2011
What do you think of requiring Mongolia to give us free passes for the Mongolian Beef at Chinese restaurants, in exchange for the $10 billion we give them in financial aid?
mistyslaws
September 27, 2011
When my son first lost his tooth, I bought these books about the tooth fairy for him to read, and every single one of them was completely and utterly different. We need some sort of law of conformity for these tooth fairy tales, I say!! Greatsby, since you are all “like this” with Obama now, can you make this legislation happen? Great, thanks.
flippingchannels
September 30, 2011
I love how consistently committed to being inconsistent you are!