Try swimming next to this woman to deflect attention from yourself.
Summer has arrived for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere. For you Southern Hemispherians, I hope you’re enjoying winter as well as a respite from the full effects of the ozone hole we sent your way. (Have you been to Australia? It’s like they have three suns down there. You can get sunburned while walking from your house to your car.)
After a long winter and spring you finally get outdoors and enjoy the sunshine until a neighbor approaches and invites your family to a pool party, and you remember, uh-oh, it’s swimsuit season again.
Years ago you could really rock a swimsuit, but now you go nine months at a time without looking at your pale, bloated body. You’re not even sure what it looks like under there. Every first day of summer you perform the same ritual of trying on a swimsuit and moments before opening your eyes to survey the damage you think, maybe I somehow got in better shape during the winter, even though I never exercised and ate cookie dough every day. But you’re always disappointed.
Whether you have to take the kids swimming or you’re taking a vacation at the beach, you need some strategies to deflect attention from your less than stellar beach body.
Try humor to defuse the situation:
The striptease: Reveal your swimsuit by suggestively removing your shirt and pants, twirling them over your head, and throwing them to other swimmers while singing, “Buh, buh, buh, buh, bum. Bum, bum, bum, bum.”
If the pool party is accompanying a BBQ, try setting your casserole on the potluck table and then saying, “Did I mention I also brought some Jello?” then remove your shirt, slap your stomach, and watch it jiggle. (This also works on thighs. Get creative! Have fun with it.)
If there are any good looking teenagers, pull off your shirt and say, “Hey kids, want to see a time machine mirror?”
If you’re worried about unsightly stretch marks, try saying, “I guess I should stretch out before getting in the pool. Uh-oh, I think I overdid it! Look what I just did to my stomach/legs.”
“Was it alright that I invited our German neighbors, Heinz and Birgit?” Point to your hind quarters and your beer gut. “Get it? Hind and beer gut. Why aren’t you laughing? You don’t think that’s funny? Well, I don’t think this is a very good party. And I peed in your pool.”
“I hope everybody believes it’s what’s inside that counts. Although to be honest, I have severe heart disease so my insides are also well below average.”
If humor isn’t your thing, here are a couple of innovations you might find useful:
Try wearing a nude swimsuit. This is a flesh-colored suit with naked parts printed on the outside. People will be so distracted with your suggestive suit, they won’t notice the parts of you that are actually exposed.
Try wearing a reflective metallic swimsuit that will blind all who look at you.
If you actually look good in a swimsuit, no jokes are necessary. As a matter of fact your presence at this pool party isn’t necessary. Please go home. You’re not welcome here.
The Good Greatsby 
Gemma Sidney
June 21, 2011
Ugh, I hate summer for this very reason. Swimsuits have to be the ugliest things ever invented as they do nothing to hide the ugliness of the human body. I might try telling everyone I can’t swim. Or just go swimming fully clothed. At least that way I avoid sunburn.
The Good Greatsby
June 21, 2011
This makes me wonder whether you are really an Australian. I thought Australians wore swimsuits all day, every day, even to the office.
Gemma Sidney
June 21, 2011
That is a myth. But the story about all Australians being born in Speedos is completely true. Had nature been kind to me, I would proudly still be wearing a Speedo all day, every day, even to the office.
Abby
June 23, 2011
Now that’s a casual Friday I can get behind, assuming it’s a sexy behind.
Hermalena Mines Powell
June 23, 2011
yeah, once you get fat on your bones, what is the point?
whatafy
June 28, 2011
Nobody is ugly.
Personally, I very much enjoy black swimsuits. They look very nice on almost every romanian girl. 😀
savesprinkles1234
June 21, 2011
Heinz and Biergut!! (I nearly spit cofffee!) And really, who isn’t a pool peer? I mean I’m not, but I suspect everyone else to be one.
The Good Greatsby
June 21, 2011
We’ve all peed in the pool a few times or even a lot of times. Sometimes I only go swimming for no other reason except I had to pee.
fashiontalksloud
June 23, 2011
guilty mind is always suspicious lol
blackwatertown
June 21, 2011
You are in flying form in this post. An array of useful suggestions. I’m only at the staying in a darkened room stage.
Or only stripping off in the vicinity of distracting explosions and gunfire – that way no one will pay me any attention. But you trying to buy a package holiday to Libya these days… Sheesh!
The Good Greatsby
June 21, 2011
You might consider asking if the pool can be moved to a darkened room.
manneredgold
June 21, 2011
The reflective metallic swimsuit. So obvious, yet so genius. The cheapskate in me is wondering if molded tinfoil would do the trick. Reflective AND capable of steaming vegetables, poolside…
The Good Greatsby
June 21, 2011
The tinfoil will probably do the trick. Let me know the results and we can go in on the patent 50/50.
Alaina Mabaso
June 21, 2011
If you steam and eat vegetables poolside all summer, you might render the distracting tinfoil bathing suit obsolete by next year.
manneredgold
June 21, 2011
Distracting swimwear, vegetable steamer, AND exercise-free body slimmer: DOES ANYONE ELSE HAVE GOOSEBUMPS?!
theamberlight
June 23, 2011
I was thinking the same thing to this feed!!! LOL you are all hilarious….if we all simply wear shorts and tee shirts, no worries then…and as the Sun gets stronger, we will have to! Great fun read this morning…thanks and congrats on FP again…they are warped like us! 🙂 AmberLena
HoaiPhai
June 23, 2011
Steaming vegetables? I assume you mean “a meat and two veggies”.
I’ve solved the embarrassment-of-swimming problem in a slightly different way… I commissioned the creation of a custom wet suit with a full-length girdle built in. Now I only have to find a way to explain the flesh collar at the neck where all the exra blubber oozes out.
Graham Sttrong
June 21, 2011
Great tips!
My swimsuit strategy — be the guy at the BBQ grilling the steaks. Solves so many problems.
One thing though I have to mention. I did have a little groan for the “pee in the pool” bit. After the whole Portland fiasco, I don’t know… maybe it’s just too soon?
~Graham
The Good Greatsby
June 21, 2011
I wasn’t aware of any pee fiasco in Portland and had to look it up. Hopefully it won’t be an issue because nobody should be drinking pool water anyway.
tinkertoot
June 21, 2011
very good – great ideas – thanx
Spectra
June 21, 2011
If there are any good looking teenagers, pull off your shirt and say, “Hey kids, want to see a time machine mirror?”
I am all for irritating snotty little teens with perfect little bodies. Kudos! Great suggestion.
The Good Greatsby
June 21, 2011
This is what you have to look forward to, teenagers!
Alaina Mabaso
June 21, 2011
I have never been to Australia, but the last time I was in South Africa, one day I posed for a few group photos while wearing a tank top, about fifteen minutes before I put on some sunblock. Big mistake.
Also, when I was a teenager, I thought my body was disgusting. Now, as an adult person, I realize it actually was divine and I was unforgivably ridiculous. Of course, I can’t abide myself now…but in 15 years, will I look back wistfully on myself now?? Is this what happens when you age!??!?
potgmp
June 23, 2011
Absolutey!
paigekellerman
June 21, 2011
It’s all well and good to post your thoughts on this subject, but you didn’t have to use actual photos of me..
lifeintheboomerlane
June 21, 2011
Nude beaches totally take care of that problem. And create others.
Girly
June 21, 2011
I just try to have fatter friends.
Jillian Harvie
June 21, 2011
I love how everyone is like… omg I’ve gained a little weight recently… like “oh I suddenly look like this, and not all the time.”
Kinda like wearing a dirty shirt to work and saying you spilled something on it, on the way in.
Me included…
writerdood
June 21, 2011
Screw it, man. Every time I go to the pool, there’s always someone in worse shape than I am, and they’re not giving a shit, so why should I? This is the philosophy I need to adopt. Besides, as has been noted before, muscle don’t float. For this reason alone, only overweight people should be considered as legitimate lifeguards. Think about that next time you see some skinny baywatch chick sitting in the lifeguard booth. Is there enough fat to keep you afloat anywhere on her? Okay, maybe there are some places, but if those are implants, you’re in trouble. Saline filled breast bubbles aren’t going to save your life.
Todd Pack
June 21, 2011
I really, really wish I could unsee that picture of Zach Galifianakis.
thelifeofjamie
June 21, 2011
I prefer to do the Truffle Shuffle when I take my shirt off. That way I am known as the funny girl. Nobody cares if the funny girl needs to lose a few pounds and tone up. That and big boobs help keep eyes off my dimpled ass!
Spectra
June 22, 2011
Big Boobs will do it. Every time.
So will tatooing your entire body with inky designs, or perfect muscle tone.
thelifeofjamie
June 23, 2011
Hey- you got Freshly Pressed again! Congrats! I too have been Freshly Pressed (anything to mention that!)
EllieAnn
June 21, 2011
Good advice, greastby! I like the good ole’ fashioned way: tear off clothes, run and cannon ball into the pool, then continue splashing anyone who looks at you for the rest of the night. Great fun, I tell you! Great fun.
Sid
June 21, 2011
I look at my pale, bloated body every day, and grin like a Cheshire.
Of course, I wear a tin foil hat to match my blinding tin foil suit. Ya got’s to coordinate.
And foil has never been made of tin. Mwah-ha-ha!
Byron MacLymont
June 21, 2011
I”m trying to find a pool shaped like an ice-cube tray. A bunch of isolated squares of water, everyone minds their own business. It’ll be the social-event of the season!
Brown Road Chronicles
June 21, 2011
The key here is to just think that you look great in a bathing suit. It’s all about confidence and presentation. I look great in a bathing suit… see how easy that was! Plus my actual skin is so incredibly pale and white that it in fact blinds people almost as well as the metallic reflective bathing suit.
pegoleg
June 21, 2011
I wonder if Zach Galifianakis knows with that dropped strap pose he’s giving off a slut vibe?
Tyler
June 21, 2011
i like to scotch tape pictures of even fatter people to my stomach so people will know that i’m not the worst.
also works with a stretchy mirror, so other people look fatter in the picture so i can call them fat and write it on their stomach with permanent marker.
bridgesburning
June 22, 2011
perfect! And I will use the time machine thing..that otta teach em!
She's a Maineiac
June 22, 2011
Hey! I thought we agreed we were going to keep that picture I tweeted you on the down-low. Now I have to do a press conference and convince everyone it’s really Zach Galifiananananakinininis, thanks a lot.
The Simple Life of a Country Man's Wife
June 23, 2011
Maineiac, you are so funny!
Lenore Diane
June 22, 2011
Stretch marks and jello… best suggestions ever. Not that I have stretch marks or a belly and thighs resembling jello, of course. *cough*
ryoko861
June 22, 2011
Oh well, I was looking forward to the party, but I guess not.
You’re loss.
Christine
June 22, 2011
I’ve just been sighing and saying, “Well…it was a rough winter.”
But the metallic suit is genius. And the nude suit…those who aren’t distracted and staring at the wrong areas will probably be too embarrassed to look at all…which is kind of great.
Leanne Shirtliffe
June 22, 2011
Swimming at night is my specialty. It isn’t as much about the bathing suit thing (okay maybe); there is just something cool about being in water when it’s dark.
But now that i have kids, this is all a luxury. I just try to make sure they don’t drown. Swimsuit or not.
Hippie Cahier
June 22, 2011
For a bit I was disturbed by the photograph, but upon thinking it over, I am most grateful that you posted it. Next time I put on my suit, I’ll remember that it could be worse.
winsomebella
June 22, 2011
Until any of you reach your mid-50’s, I don’t feel your pain. I remember worrying about how I looked in a swimsuit when I was in my 30s and now when I look at pictures of that time I think—man, not too bad! Unfortunately, it’s downhill from there. Literally.
Ahmnodt Heare
June 22, 2011
I spent the last year getting into shape just so I can go to your pool party, only now you don’t want me there because I look too good. Hrrmph!
Thomas Stazyk
June 22, 2011
You could just wear your smoking jacket and even buff people would be envious!
Amy
June 22, 2011
This is the reason why I have interesing tattoos. That, and my mommy didn’t hug me enough.
Amy
June 22, 2011
This is the reason why I have interesting tattoos. That, and my mommy didn’t hug me enough.
Amy
June 22, 2011
Sorry. Don’t know why that posted twice. And, now you got three comments by me. Sorry. I’m leaving. I swear.
Laura
June 22, 2011
Where can I buy a reflective metallic suit? It sounds really uncomfortable, but worth it.
spilledinkguy
June 22, 2011
I find standing in neck deep water from before the sun rises until after it sets helps a bit.
🙂
bluebee
June 22, 2011
ha, ha – bum, bum, bum, biggest bum – I just wear my black lycra snorkelling suit – hides a multitude of sins (only issue is that the sharks down here can mistake you for a seal)
educlaytion
June 22, 2011
You are the most helpful human in the Northern Hemisphere. I’m blinding people for sure.
Kim
June 22, 2011
I find it’s easier to just wear a mumu when at the pool…
KristenSays
June 23, 2011
i’m with kim on the mumu. it can get a little hot, and heavy in the water. but it covers a multitude of sins. totally worth it!
although that reflective blinding thing sounds good too.
cooper
June 22, 2011
I have nominated you for a Versatile Blogger Award. Come over to my place to get your plaque!
japecake
June 22, 2011
I’ve never found commercial sunscreens very effective. I prefer the spray-on “make your own blackboard” stuff you can get at Home Depot. Also, the sound it makes when you scratch yourself helps drive away seagulls. And people.
georgettesullins
June 22, 2011
I just wear black. Very funnnnny and you have very funny readers tooo.
georgettesullins
June 23, 2011
Just had to come back and congratulate you on the big FP!!! I guess you’re riding a tsunami right now.
k8edid
June 22, 2011
Yet another advantage to being a nudist – no hideous shopping for a suit that will not make you look any better.
k8edid
June 22, 2011
YAY, Freshly Pressed!!! You are THE MAN. Get out the smoking jacket, buddy.
The Simple Life of a Country Man's Wife
June 22, 2011
This is so funny! I also enjoyed your clown post I read yesterday. Brought back some good memories.
bridgesburning
June 23, 2011
Congrats on FP AGAIN!! You superstar you!!
Chris
cravesadventure
June 23, 2011
Love it. What better way to deal with swimsuit season than with humor. Most times everyone else is worrying about what they look like in a swimsuit they do not notice anyone else. Just embrace it and have fun this Summer. I love the parts about the hind and beer gut as well as the Jello!
girlonthecontrary
June 23, 2011
Dude. Freshly Pressed twice in close succession. Not only do I tip my hat to you (and you better believe I am wearing an actual top hat right now), I also bow down to your comedic genius. Do I have permission to worship your wit as a deity?
Brittany
June 23, 2011
Baaahahahaha..this..was…so good. I laughed through every quote.
amblerangel
June 23, 2011
Still laughing at the clown post. Congrats on the FP!
The Good Greatsby
June 23, 2011
Congratulations to you as well on the FP! And to think I knew you way back when. Or at least a couple months ago.
notesfromrumbleycottage
June 23, 2011
Thanks for the laugh. The time machine mirror may have been my favorite
I Made You A Mixtape
June 23, 2011
LMAO! Funniest post of the week. I think I will go for the metallic swimsuit… then again- I live in the UK and most years we wear cardigans and woolly socks all year round, so… not a huge problem this swimsuit issue in these parts..lol.
GD
June 23, 2011
This made me laugh. Best of luck with the summer season, all!
-GD
Visit my writing blog at http://shelleddreams.wordpress.com/
Janet
June 23, 2011
How the hell did you get that guy to pose in that swimsuit and let you take his picture?
barbaralongley
June 23, 2011
Oh, tears are running down my cheeks, I’m laughing so hard. Thank you. They say laughter is the best exercise there is for your heart.
be awake
June 23, 2011
is that Zach Galifianakis?! omg, i’m afraid it is…
Alan King
June 23, 2011
The funniest was:
“Was it alright that I invited our German neighbors, Heinz and Birgit?” Point to your hind quarters and your beer gut. “Get it? Hind and beer gut. Why aren’t you laughing? You don’t think that’s funny? Well, I don’t think this is a very good party. And I peed in your pool.”
Great post!
She's a Maineiac
June 23, 2011
Congrats on the FP (again) Paul! Not that you’ll ever read this comment amongst the hundreds sure to follow.
The Good Greatsby
June 23, 2011
Of course I’ll reply to the caption contest winner. I hope your time as champion is just as fulfilling as you had dreamed.
Stephanie Thomas
June 23, 2011
Lol– I think I will have to for the metallic blind ’em option…. 😉
Amy
June 23, 2011
Ugh. You got Freshly Pressed again! I hate you.
I mean. I couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy! Again.
The Good Greatsby
June 23, 2011
I knew I could count on you to be happy for me after a few minutes of hating me.
Girly
June 23, 2011
Oh my god – You’re freshly pressed again?? This is just too much! Who do I call to complain??
The Good Greatsby
June 23, 2011
I told them I didn’t want to be FP’ed again specifically because you had such difficulty last time.
John
June 23, 2011
Lol Looking forward to anyone trying this 🙂
gaycarboys
June 23, 2011
Yup. I’m with you on that. Mind you it’s only 3 am here right now and about 10c but come summer I’ll be only swimming in the dark LOL
Steven Beliveau
June 23, 2011
This is hilarious! You must have had a very serious Mom.
Gret pic choices. Galifinakis is off the charts hot… and mega funny! Can ya just imagine what his Mom though of him? Rock on!
Miki
June 23, 2011
This is hilarious! Great post. Not only is it accurate with the descriptions of personal self consciousness but it also depicts what you’d rather NOT see when your toes hit the sand. Love it 🙂
PCC Advantage
June 23, 2011
“Try wearing a nude swimsuit” – I laughed so hard at that line!!
Love this post!! Bring on summer!! ….and all of the nude swimsuits… 😉
Laurie
June 23, 2011
Love the photo! Why isn’t it on the cover of the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated??
Even if you’re in pretty good shape, we all have our imperfections. Luckily, I live in Massachusetts. No one expects us to look like models. Which is a good thing, cuz we don’t.
Lorna's Voice
June 23, 2011
Thank you, thank you, thank you FP gods for picking this post. You are one funny person and I just lost at least 2 pounds laughing! You have a new fan and an new subscriber.
Ava Aston's Muckery
June 23, 2011
I am currently wearing that exact same pink swimsuit right this minute. Awkward.
Congrats on being Freshly Tanned, I mean Freshly Shaved…ooops, I mean Freshly Pressed.
Blessings,
Ava
xox
superheroprincess
June 23, 2011
Thank you so much for such a good, hearty laugh this morning!! I had to close my office door…now I need to go fix my eye make-up 🙂
falwless
June 23, 2011
And that’s exactly the reason why I swim only at the pool at Saint Mary’s Academy for the Blind.
Chase McFadden
June 23, 2011
This is terrific. My favorite is Heinz and Birgit. Anyone who doesn’t laugh at that deserves some Jello. Congrats on Pressed.
tzopilotl
June 23, 2011
…we don’t swim in your toilet, please, don’t pee in our pool.
artreviewed
June 23, 2011
I was talked into buying a supposedly “really cool” zebra print swimsuit last year and didnt try it on or see myself in it until I got to the local swimming pool…there was a mirror…I looked like a fat baby zebra…and no doubt I will again this year. Thanks for the humorous side 🙂 It made me laugh out loud 🙂 Congratulations on being freshly pressed too!
halfwayto50
June 23, 2011
I’m always a little self concious at a waterpark, but then I stop and look around. HAVE YOU SEEN THE PEOPLE AT WATERPARKS? Their flab is hanging from all parts of the swimsut, buttcracks are in full force, droopy boobs are mistaken for deflated beach balls, and suits are so tight I know my head could fit inside their bellybutton! After one quick glance around I quickly feel like a super model and enjoy the day. I suggest everyone else does this as well! Happy flaunting!
Rufus' Food and Spirits Guide
June 23, 2011
I think I have seen that woman at the beach. Good to see you on Freshly Pressed.
infinite monkey theorem
June 23, 2011
As always, a miracle of modern wit and acerbic observation! I shall be converting the tinfoil hat I wear on-accounta-tha-aliens, into a stylish 3 piece. Congratulations on being freshly tanned, freshly shaved, and freshly pressed. (I have go look all that up on the Urban Dictionary now!)
Kim Pugliano
June 23, 2011
I’m still blaming the extra weight on my pregnancy. Twelve years ago. I’ve also found that clear packing tape works wonders on stretching the skin so hard the stretch marks don’t show, but alas, my back then has cleavage, so I always keep my back to the wall and nobody is ever the wiser.
kenkawakami
June 23, 2011
The photo is the best! haha! 😀
eliza keating
June 23, 2011
All that naked burned flesh….not to mention freckles that could be drawn together to make a dot to dot picture.Here in Scotland you see the most repulsive shapes squeezed into swimsuits..great post..ELiza Keating
ournote2self
June 23, 2011
Hahaha! Great tips!
Yesenia
June 23, 2011
Wish I had something witty to say like everyone else, just not the witty type. Just thought I would comment on how funny this is!
mollie
June 23, 2011
This is the perfect attitude to start summer off right! Thanks for the laughs! 🙂
Ty
June 23, 2011
This is hilarious!
Eva McCane
June 23, 2011
i always find swimsuit season a bit frightening…but once i’m forced to attend an event that requires a swimsuit, i kinda get into the swing of things…the working out and catching some rays.
beingzhenya
June 23, 2011
My strategy is working out and looking smokin’ hot! And making my hubby proud of me 🙂 There! I believe it’s a million times better to look hot than to wear god knows what! And don’t blame your extra weight on anything or anyone, but yourself! It’s possible to lose it, get rid of it, say buh-bye to it forever!
pegoleg
June 23, 2011
I saw that winsome bathing beauty on the cover of WordPress and thought…”Why is she so much hotter than me?” Then I thought, “OMG, Paul has been FP’d yet again!” Then I thought thoughts I really can’t share. Congrats – this is so well deserved!
officeoddities
June 23, 2011
How do they decide which of your posts to FP!? They’re all soo good..congrats anyway!
Annie
June 23, 2011
I was timid my first day out in a swimsuit this season. Then I looked around and thought “what the heck am I worried about?!” To my left there was a 9 month pregnant woman wearing a string bikini with the words “Ocean’s Of Fun” tattooed under her belly button.
Congrats on FP!
Romantic Asian Guy
June 23, 2011
Oh what an enticing picture! Love the revealing falling red strap.
bigsheepcommunications
June 23, 2011
Now that’s the kind of pool party I might actually consider attending. Fabulous photo, by the way.
Jillian Harvie
June 23, 2011
you’re on freshly pressed again! congrats!
cheapchick1
June 23, 2011
These suggestions are most excellent!
Mary M
June 23, 2011
Ha! This is fantastic. I think everyone can relate, because even people who look good in swimsuits don’t think they look good in them.
chnkeemnkee
June 23, 2011
Hilarious! Or you could caress your rolls while wearing a camouflage print swimsuit while proclaiming to be a sexy soldier!
gmom
June 23, 2011
So what’s the dealio with the people in Australia? 3 suns? Oh that’s bad. I mean being upside-down must be tough enough but 3 suns?
Great ideas for swimsuits Greatsby, and congrats on FP.
I find that bathing suits look a helluva lot sweeter after a brewsky.
Just smile and avoid the occasional wardrobe malfunction.
It’s all good.
BTW just what do you have on under that smoking jacket??????
Cathryn Grant
June 23, 2011
My summer swimsuit plan is to work long hours through summer in the Northern Hemisphere and go to Australia next January. That way I can eat cookie dough for six more months.
Don't Make That Face
June 23, 2011
See, this is the kind of thing that makes me feel so sorry for fat people. Poor fatties. 😦
pearlsandprose
June 23, 2011
Wow, FP again! Way to go!
Funny, as always.
asrai7
June 23, 2011
Absolutely hilarious. Greaat post, I’m glad I discovered your blog! 😀
Anonymous Betty
June 23, 2011
As if your post wasn’t funny enough, I laughed my way through the 100+ comments too! And the photo is priceless! Put him on the cover of VOGUE!
4kidsunder4
June 23, 2011
VERY FUNNY! Thanks so much for the laughs!!!
japecake
June 23, 2011
Hey, Greats–Congrats on FPII. One more and you’ll have enough for a trivet.
This Deconstructed Life
June 23, 2011
Thank you for this wonderful piece of writing. Absolutely made my day!
agirlajeepandahouse
June 23, 2011
I’m thinking the best way around it all is the burkini – check it out… http://www.burkini.com – saves money on sunscreen and helps combat skin cancer – although I think you have to have a lot more confidence to show up in this than doing the strip tease with sound effects and all. I must say when I strip down to my suit, I bring my own music so I don’t have to embarass myself with the sound effects I make (as opposed to being in my suit) 😉 This is a great post and timely as I have been working on my tan (through self tanning lotion). Congrats on being FP. LOVE IT!
drdeah
June 23, 2011
Try having an open mind about diversity of sizes and shapes and NOT buying into the party line that there is only one definition of who looks good in a bathing suit. Remember, the beach is for fun NOT for self-loathing and self-consciousness. If someone thinks you are too fat to be wearing a bathing suit, screw them, they can go home!!! Warmly and with gobs of sunscreen (I’m a redhead)…
Dr. Deah, http://www.leftoverstogo.com
Charlotte
June 23, 2011
Best part [If you actually look good in a swimsuit, no jokes are necessary. As a matter of fact your presence at this pool party isn’t necessary. Please go home. You’re not welcome here.]
best tip [Try wearing a reflective metallic swimsuit that will blind all who look at you.]
U are awesome! Thanks for making me laugh 🙂
Harold
June 23, 2011
A very funny read again and deserving of FP, congrats!
HowToLiveFullTime
June 23, 2011
Ha! This is hilarious. I enjoyed this sense of humor. I would enjoy it even more if I got to go to the beach or a pool party with someone who actually used these tips ( : Good stuff!
cat
June 23, 2011
lol, I don’t agree tho, I’m a mother of three have have my share of stretch marks.
But also get more good attention at the beach then a few 16 year olds combined.
Just because people aren’t scared to talk to me.
I have a sister who is curvy, and guys flock to her….it’s the mentality not the looks in play here.
Of course if you think it would help your self confidence to cover up some do so.
try a party see through white shirt over you bikini, can’t see those stretch marks or some of that excess stuff but 🙂 they say that its not so much as what you can see but what you want to see, it’s so true!
tanoshinde
June 23, 2011
Excellent! As a cyclist, I imagine that I might be able to utilize some of the same strategies almost year round. Especially the striptease one. I will wear a bathrobe, like boxers do, to all my race starts. With any luck, my striptease routine will scare away all the other would-be racers, and I will win by default!
janachantel
June 23, 2011
This is hilarious! I love your pic!
I’ll appreciate if you check out my blog http://janachantel1.wordpress.com/ it’s about me trying to become a successful published author.
thepersiancloset
June 23, 2011
That was awesome. Why aren’t you doing stand up?
Consuelo
June 23, 2011
very funny! 😀 truly worthy to be in FP… 😀
RealLifeArtist
June 23, 2011
I am continually impressed by the high caliber of both your posts and your hot bod.
jessicaber
June 23, 2011
I am a 206 lb. single mom with a little boy who is turning 6 July 2nd and having a bbq party at the beach. I have paid for the shelter that we are renting for it. I keep forgeting the part about the fact that I will be forced at some point to reveal myself to his 20 or so guests in my black two piece bikini. It is respectable. I got it at JCPenny. It has “boy shorts” and the top comes down and covers my belly. Hmm, I wonder if I can lose 100 pounds in 2 weeks? I don’t think so. Before having kids my normal weight was 110-135 pounds, yeah I know, kind of big gap in there. It depened on whether or not I was living with my boyfriend in AZ or my parents. When I lived with my parents they would fatten me up. When I lived with Tom in AZ who was very attractive I was normally much more like 110-114lbs and I felt good like that. So this extra weight is not normal for me.
Tattoos, love and lunacy...
June 23, 2011
A nude swimsuit…tee hee, that’s classy. Love this.
nomoregluten4me
June 23, 2011
Very funny article. I used to hate swimsuit time, until several years ago we went to Mexico and when I was at the pool and looked around OMG. I felt like Cindy Crawford, seriously have you seen what some people wear. Boosted my confidence right to the top. LOL
lipstickandlegislature
June 23, 2011
Personally, I love swimsuit season. It makes me appreciate snow storms and gigantic eskimo coats. My cellulite appreciates the winter months as well.
Great post. I’m an instant fan 🙂
Iz
http://www.lipstickandlegislature.com
gratitude-a-day
June 23, 2011
hahahahaha sooo good. I completely understand the Aussie summers – I’m a fellow northern hemispherian who has decided to move down under. I’ve never wanted winter to come so bad.
the master
June 23, 2011
I am sorry to say there is no conceivable way I could currently fit into a swimsuit. I can’t even wear a belt and a tie at the same time without turning into a humanoid sausage.
Julee Celeste
June 23, 2011
I bought a purple swimsuit some years ago. The moment I put it on, my husband said, “You look like a big, purple grape.” Thanks, hon’. I just bought a new swimsuit recently and modeled it for him. He said, “You look good!” Then he came back a little while later and said, “You look really good!” Now, I don’t, in point of fact, look good in a bathing suit any more, but the fact that he likes this one makes me feel a whole lot better than when I put that purple suit on and thought inside my head that everyone else was probably thinking what my husband thought, that I looked like a giant grape. At least they might now be thinking, “For a fat woman, she doesn’t look awful.” I’ll take that as a step up!
mamanne
June 23, 2011
I hate that line of thought – and I have it alot these days! I used to dress kind of… different. Some might say crazy. And it never bothered me to have someone think “geez, that woman dresses crazy.” But now to suppose someone is thinking “geez, that FAT woman dresses crazy”… well, I dress pretty boring these days! But on the happy side, I am glad you like your new suit – and your husband likes your new suit! That actually says a lot 🙂
Julee Celeste
June 24, 2011
Yeah, it’s nice that he likes the new one. I’m pretty sure no one else will think I look good, but at least he does! I used to not care too much what people thought about how I dressed, either, but the fatter I get, the more paranoid I’ve gotten. Not for no reason — once in a blue moon kid will say, “That lady is fat” or something like that, and if someone in a car gets pissed at me they’ll yell out something like, “You FAT cow”, so it’s come up. I’m not as fat as many people I’ve seen, but fat enough that that it has been mentioned in a rude way.
Piper Bayard
June 23, 2011
Check you out all Freshly Pressed. Congratulations. For myself, I prefer a wet suit and fins. That’s the real reason I got into SCUBA, you know. I have Bikini Body Deficit Disorder. Great post!
Casserole Dish
June 23, 2011
Freshly pressed again! Awesome. I hope you’re wearing your smoking jacket to celebrate.
mamanne
June 23, 2011
My strategy was to move somewhere no one knew me! Fat or not, my daughter and I spent time every day at the pool and I was like “whatever! These people don’t know me.” But that backfired because we moved back to where every one knows us. and now I’m thinking “crap, how will I ever cool off in the water again??”
7des7iny
June 23, 2011
mm, I found my solution for “Attention Deflector” 🙂
Pollyanna Darling
June 23, 2011
Ha! Very funny. Personally I think a much simpler way would be just to ban pool parties and pools for that matter. And beaches. Who needs swimming anyway? x
charlywalker
June 23, 2011
Congrats on another freshly pressed piece….you need to be re-titled: The Great Goodsby…
lifeintheboomerlane
June 23, 2011
Oh, Mr Greatsby, let me be the first person to congratulate you. Please don’t care what anyone says. You really do look cute in the swimsuit.
deanasobel
June 23, 2011
Congrats on fp!! Where can I buy the swimsuit in the photos?
mkeeffer
June 23, 2011
I think what happens is everyone is mostly concerned with how they look, so they’re not really paying much attention to you and I. Congrats on being Pressed.
leadinglight
June 23, 2011
Although I live in Australia and am resident of a house with a pool, the weather in Melbourne this year has been too abysmal to consider it. No sunburning if you head this way … you’ll even get snow if you head to the mountain ranges.
color.me.vegan
June 23, 2011
Hilarious! Congrats on being freshly pressed!
drawnoutdoors
June 23, 2011
Oh how we’re jealous down under that it’s not summer here – we love it, despite the hole and the searing summer sun. From a girl with a swimwear obsession, this is classic, love it, thanks for the giggles.
thebigbookofdating
June 23, 2011
I take my hat of to you! great article (:
kiwijenn
June 23, 2011
There’s nothing worse than feeling self-conscious about your body in a swimsuit. But then you see the hairy, pregnant looking guy in the Speedo and suddenly, things aren’t so bad…
penandthoughts
June 23, 2011
congrats on the funny post and you have such funny readers! i will go with the metallic suit, fits me…or perhaps just pray “Lord, if you can’t make me thin, please make my friends fat.” then I won’t have a problem 🙂
jollof
June 23, 2011
Encore! Encore! Encore! A very funny and eye-opening read. Thanks for sharing (and with such imagery and wit). I’ve peed only once in a pool…at the deep end…where I was alone…looking on at the other kids at the shallow end. I think I’m ok in my speedos (for those who saw my recent slideshow) and if I had a choice I’d try the nude swimsuit just to get ‘kodak-moment’ reactions 🙂 Well done Paul…Enjoy WordPress fame!
P.S – I think Zach’s pic should be part of your Caption Contest too!
Rgds,
A proud follower of The Good Greatsby
thelittlejazzbaby
June 23, 2011
This is honestly the funniest thing I have read in a while. Thanks for making an old insomniac laugh until her heinz und birgit hurt :P.
Lisa
June 23, 2011
Congrats on Freshly Pressed. Your post is hilarious! I’d actually like to have that bathing suit.
ilaiskee
June 23, 2011
great post, exactly my sentiments…congrats
fatisrecipes
June 23, 2011
Beauty Queen Pageant swimsuit winner… Just thought I’d let you know who you’ve got in that photo!
snawitz
June 23, 2011
I never visit a beach, beacuse I don´t like to be in places with too many people that have too little on.
Today´s swimwear is very strange – you see more of the body and less fabric
Thanks for sharing
Beth, just being me
June 23, 2011
too funny! i especially love the humourus advice!
gerknoop
June 23, 2011
Where can I find a swimsuit like the one in your picture? LOVE it! However, it probably won’t look as good on “me”! DANG!
Kaela Moore
June 23, 2011
Congrats on being Freshly Pressed! Very much deserved. I am going to try a few of your suggestions for embracing the summer flab, especially the metallic suit. Wonder where I can get one of those…..
thepintsizechef
June 23, 2011
Haha! This was the most hilarious thing I’ve read in awhile!
Thanks for a good laugh and congratulations on Freshly Pressed.
huffygirl
June 23, 2011
You mean it’s not just women who go through this angst? I thought men were not self-conscious about their bodies. BTW, so glad to discover it’s not you in the top picture (at least I hope it’s not) Congrats on being FP’d!
Betty
June 23, 2011
I’m sorry, I started to read the post but I could not continue because I was too traumatized by the photo. Congrats on FP.
roslynyoung
June 23, 2011
oh my god this is so funny! :))
e. rumsey
June 23, 2011
1. I am going to pee in your pool. I don’t care if you have some chemical that will make a blue ring around my pee area.
2. Urine is sterile. Get over it.
3. Everybody pees. And poops.
4. Yes that is my large fat gut. Thank you for looking. His name is Henry. If you’re nice to me (or get me drunk enough) I’ll make him talk for you.
Anywho… I love reading your blog. I believe that you and your blog deserve this. http://iswearwerenotcrazy.wordpress.com/2011/06/23/blog-love/
maidinspain
June 23, 2011
lol.. good post.. come to Spain, no one cares what you look like in a bathing suit. Bikinis come in size 56 here…
trialsinfood
June 23, 2011
hilarious!
Russell
June 23, 2011
I got a good chuckle with the guy in the pink bathing suit. Good stuff.
Cheryl
June 23, 2011
Congrats on Freshly Pressed! BTW, I’m never putting on a bathing suit again!
wosushi
June 24, 2011
I was just thinking that nothing I ever want to read gets Freshly Pressed.
And then there was you.
emisformakeri
June 24, 2011
Alternative to the foil suit is one with a hypnotic black and white pattern. People are either your mesmerized slaves, or too busy reacting to the nausea your suit inspires in them. Either way, more hot dogs for you!
Congrats on another Freshly Pressed. If only they gave out little statuettes every time you got one – you’re mantlepiece would surely succumb beneath the weight.
thiscleverworld
June 24, 2011
Congratulations on Freshly Pressed! Don’t let it go to your head… some of us loved you even before you hit the big time!
ShareItFitness
June 24, 2011
My favorite line: “If you actually look good in a swimsuit, no jokes are necessary. As a matter of fact your presence at this pool party isn’t necessary. Please go home. You’re not welcome here.”
Entertaining post!
LizVerbatim
June 24, 2011
My boyfriend thinks I’m fat. He told me this right before I told him we were going on a tropical vacation in Mexico this summer. Guess who’s going to Puerta Vallarta by herself this year?
martinbieleckirtin Bielecki
June 24, 2011
I’ve been “bringing the jello” for years now! haha great post.
Jo Robbins
June 24, 2011
You ain’t seen nuthin’ yet. Wait ’til you’re in your mid 60’s, like me. You don’t need to look in the mirror to know what’s “under there” because you have to pick it up, then arrange it before it will go into REGULAR clothes. Everything points due south. The solution? Beer, laughter, lots of love and blogs like yours!
measinchell1
June 24, 2011
I love this guy, and the photo is hot and sexy!
jessicaber
June 24, 2011
You guys mentioned being freshly pressed more than once. What do you think contributed to that? I have been on here for going on 6 months.
Mrs Wils
June 24, 2011
Thanks for the good “belly” laugh this morning!! HAH.
Coming to you all the way from Sydney, Australia (which, BTW, is really bloody cold at the moment.. we’re down to one sun this month).
Beth, just being me
June 24, 2011
loved it! and it is all oh too true!
hangryhippo
June 24, 2011
Hah. I loved this post until I realized that I just bought the EXACT same swimsuit that Zach Galafianwhateverkis is wearing in those photos! And I’m not sure who looks better/worse in it…guess I’m going to have to employ some of your pool party suggestions.
Louise
June 24, 2011
LOL! I totally agree with the last sentiment! Maybe I’ll try something in bright gold…
shutterbug217
June 24, 2011
I have been wearing nothing but my board shorts(Swimmers) for the past month, Winter in North Australia is like summer in Sydney! 25-30 degrees Celsius and sunny everyday! AND This is winter!!!
julio Eiffelt R R
June 24, 2011
Hhmm.., When i saw the headlines, i though this article will describes how to deal swimsuit in summer. When i saw full article, a young “lady” with pink bikini appeared. that makes me laugh.
Nice Post.
Uthara
June 24, 2011
this has got to be the best blog in the whole universe. 😀
Uthara
June 24, 2011
im experiencing soul mate recognition sydrome. youve got to tell me who that lovely man is.
colesk
June 24, 2011
I may die laughing. Best summer advice ever.
richannkur
June 24, 2011
omg…..
leeschmidt
June 24, 2011
Oh, I did enjoy this! Well done – too much of the funny.
Renee
June 24, 2011
This only happens to be the funniest thing I’ve read in quite a while. Glad I “skip” the swimsuit issue by hermit-izing indoors :3
thirdeyemom
June 24, 2011
I LOVE your post! I laughed so hard and even showed my 6-year-old sun! I am exactly in the same boat…..swimsuit season! I fret about it all winter long even though I work out year round in the brutally cold MN winter. Keep up the good work!
thor27
June 24, 2011
You have a drybone sense of humor almost ironic and english combined into one. Drop by and visit sometime at http://thor27.wordpress.com
Walter
June 25, 2011
Freshly pressed AGAIN? Your poor wife! Now you officially have to sit in the car while your wife and kids party at my house.
souldipper
June 25, 2011
Congrats on being Fresh Pressed. That is truly a well-deserved feather in your cap! Well done and now I’m really impressed that you had time to visit me!
Keep the embers glowing, dear man!
stellycious stella
June 25, 2011
LOL. This is really funny. 😉
JJ
June 25, 2011
This is hysterical! Thanks for making me laugh!
Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson
June 26, 2011
Look at you getting all FP’d! May you be squished flat. Unfortunately, the weather has SUCKED so I’ve only been able to put on my bathing suit once. And you know what? I looked fabulous. For fifteen minutes – until it started to rain. (I hope I am still welcome here.)
jessicaber
June 28, 2011
Two of my best girlfriend’s are more like 250lbs. Since I am only 205 lbs. I keep telling myself that I am some how thin. Maybe I should get a bathing suite cover up for Ezra’s party.
realanonymousgirl2011
June 30, 2011
Ha ha! I love this post! Especially the picture and the line about the time machine mirror. Hilarious!!!
writerwoman61
July 1, 2011
I’m late to the party as usual…congrats on being FP’d again, Paul!
I need one of those “nude swimsuits.”
Wendy
Lunar Euphoria
July 3, 2011
Or just wear your smoking jacket.
I’m traumatized by the pictures above.
jessicaber
July 3, 2011
July 2, 2011
I went to my son’s beach party today in a two piece black bathing suite. I weigh 206lbs. the bathing suite has boy shorts and the top covers my belly. I wore black shorts. My legs were shaved. I had a bulging vericose vein on my right lower leg, but I felt okay enough in how I looked. I really did.
jessicaber
July 3, 2011
I think that partly it was because I was so busy feeding people and tending to things that felt really positive that that attractive quality over shadowed my fear of what people could think about my weight. My son turned 6 years old today. I should have been able to take the weight off by now.
Kirsten Le
June 16, 2012
Funny stuff. Instead of cannonball, announce atomic bomb.
pmahaney
May 17, 2013
OMG nearly laughed myself silly! Just seeing the photo brought me to tears after I read the title, and then I practically died reading the first paragraph. I am going to start recommending that your readers think about taking out life insurance policies before embarking on the literary adventure that is, reading your blogs Paul. My doctor said I could continue this article from paragraph two once I had sufficiently recovered from paragraph one, but I told him I must be suicidal, because I couldn’t wait another 6 months. Now I’m on life support as I managed to finish the piece at great risk to my splitting sides.