She’s ready to start a family. You’re ready to consider thinking about maybe thinking about starting a family.
She sees babies everywhere. You see babes everywhere.
She wants a stroller. You want to stroll down to karaoke night at the pub–if she can make it, great!
The honeymoon just ended, and she’s already talking about kids. Yes, you told her you wanted kids some day, but you forgot to mention you meant in ten to fifteen years, and most likely with your second or third wife.
Of course not all women are baby crazy, but if you’ve managed to end up with one who’s made up her mind she wants kids right now, you can explain your concerns all you want, but she’ll only hear baby noises. Your only chance of changing her mind is to pretend you want kids even more than she does, and this fake enthusiasm will defray all suspicions when you secretly scheme to give her second thoughts.
1. Every time you say you want children, drop whatever you’re holding. “I can’t wait to snuggle the little guy,” grab a bag of flour off the counter and cradle it like a baby, “He’s going to be so cute,” and let it slip through your hands and drop onto the floor. Do this twice a day for a week and your problems are solved.
2. Take her to a carnival, treat her to corn dogs and nachos, then ride one roller-coaster after another until she asks to take a break and you can tell she’s at her most nauseous. Keep asking if she’s feeling alright while emphasizing the following key words, “Are you feeling alright? This morning I didn’t notice any signs of sickness. I hope this sickness doesn’t last until tomorrow morning.”
3. Tell her you love horses and arrange a visit to a local horse stable. When you arrive the host tells you you’re just in time to see a foal being born.
4. Ask her if she’ll help your sister plan your six year old niece’s birthday party. No additional sabotage required. Just let the six year olds do their work.
5. Talk about how you want to be a hands-on dad…like Joe Jackson.
6. Tonight’s the big cocktail party with all of her friends. What a great time to pick her up in the minivan you’ve borrowed from your friend with kids and tell her you want to buy it. When you pick up her best friends and they get into the back, just tell them to sweep the smashed crackers off the seat and onto the floor. It’s also a plus if your friend can give you a couple diapers to leave under the seats. Make sure and honk the horn a couple times when you arrive at the party so people will come outside and see you all get out of the minivan.
7. Show her you’re completely incapable of taking care of a living thing, no matter how simple. Buy a puppy, return it after one day and tell her you lost it somewhere in the house. Buy a parakeet and let it fly away when you take it outside for a walk. Buy an ant farm, feed the ants chips, and accidentally leave the food slots open so they all escape. Buy a plant and water it with Coke. 
8. Tell her you don’t understand why people complain about getting up in the middle of the night with babies because 3:00AM is about the time you’ll be getting home from the bar anyway.
9. Tell her you want to babysit your three year old nephew who is potty-training. Every time he uses the bathroom, and before your wife can check the bathroom results, go in after him and pee on everything. Get creative and think north, south, east, and west.
Give your scheme #10 in the comments section.
The Good Greatsby 
ryoko861
April 20, 2011
#10 Ask a friend if you can borrow their 5 year old for the day. Have your wife go grocery shopping then to the mall with the little tyrant (you can’t make it because you’ve chosen that day to install the new furnace). This includes in and out of the car seat crap!
If there’s a way to replicate the pain of labor, I’d suggest that. Labor pains are the #1 worst pain imaginable. No man has any idea what that’s like, but as a woman, IT SUCKS!
The Good Greatsby
April 21, 2011
I’m honestly astounded at the pain women can endure. How do they put up with labor, waxing, and plucking?
Emily Jane
April 20, 2011
This reminds me of a great ad I saw once for condoms. It basically involved footage of a guy taking his toddler with him grocery shopping, who proceeded to scream the entire time, punch strangers at the checkout, knock down displays, etc. It then showed the brand. Brilliant 🙂
The Good Greatsby
April 21, 2011
In this instance there’s probably no marketing strategy better than reality.
Bearman
April 20, 2011
“I’m a hands-on dad like Joe Jackson” would be a hilarious tshirt. (Unless your dad abused you.)
The Good Greatsby
April 21, 2011
I tried to tread a fine line. Abuse is not funny, but I wanted the wife to be concerned about who the husband thought was a good father figure role model.
jaerae1971
April 20, 2011
#10) Tell your wife that your family tree on your moms side traces all the way back to Thomas Paine. And the eighth nephew of the second Aunts son is obligated to honor the family’s military service by naming their first son Private Paine (insert your last name here) and their first daughter Ima Paine (insert your last name here) to honor said family patriots wife.
The Good Greatsby
April 21, 2011
Good suggestion. I did consider an angle where combining the families would have an odd side effect, but I didn’t come up with anything I liked.
Adsimons
April 20, 2011
#10 Go on and on about how sick stains on all her shirts would bring out the color of her eyes.
The Good Greatsby
April 21, 2011
I had the guy spilling things on her and telling her to get used to the way it looked, but it didn’t quite work.
Calhoun
April 20, 2011
#10 Buy her one of those faux baby bellies so that she can’t start practicing carrying around all that baby weight.
A nice alternative is to let her walk in on you trying it on and hopefully the image will be so frightening that she won’t be in the mood for at least another six months. It buys you some time.
The Good Greatsby
April 21, 2011
I like the faux baby belly. I had some ideas to hint at the unfavorable changes to the wife’s body, but they weren’t funny enough.
cmmarcum
April 20, 2011
Egad, I didn’t know people actually did that on purpose!
Tell her that you’re a secret agent and you have to go on a Top Secret mission. Be pack in about 18 years or so, if you survive.
The Good Greatsby
April 21, 2011
They don’t do it on purpose yet, but I hope this post will have some effect.
Annie
April 20, 2011
I tried to think of a witty #10 but after seeing all the pictures of the crying babies my brain and my ovaries went into “emergency shut down mode”.
Great post.
The Good Greatsby
April 21, 2011
I was hoping the pictures of all the crying babies would overwhelm you. Mission accomplished.
Lenore Diane
April 20, 2011
#10 Get a group of Moms together and mention something about c-section scars, incontinence and sagging boobs. The Moms will take it from there …
The Good Greatsby
April 21, 2011
My wife suggested something to do with sagginess, but I didn’t want to come right out and say it. The husband needed a veiled way to bring it to her attention, and I couldn’t think of anything.
jacquelincangro
April 20, 2011
10. Buy her several pairs of slippers in the shape of giant bunny rabbits and tell her that after her ankles swell up these will be the only shoes she’ll be able to wear. The Manolos will have to go back to the store.
The Good Greatsby
April 21, 2011
Or buy her a really nice pair of pajamas and a bathrobe and tell her she might as well get comfortable since she won’t be going out for a really long time.
thelifeofjamie
April 20, 2011
#10- drink some milk, and then barf it all over her shirt. On an airplane. In a leather seat. At the beginning of the 2 hour flight.
The Good Greatsby
April 21, 2011
Sounds like you have a story to tell.
thelifeofjamie
April 21, 2011
what gave it away?
Renee Davies
April 20, 2011
10. Tell her you want nine kids like your uncle Jed and that you insist every bairn’s name should start with the letter J as in Johnny, Jimmy, and Jackie.
And as a general turn off, tell her your favourite kind of car is the minivan.
The Good Greatsby
April 21, 2011
I once picked a girl up for a date in the family minivan. Why didn’t anyone tell me that was a bad idea?
Amy
April 20, 2011
Egads. Just pin up pictures of those crying babies everywhere then tell her she can’t leave the house for a month.
The Good Greatsby
April 21, 2011
I’m happy those crying babies seemed to have the effect I intended.
monicastangledweb
April 20, 2011
Oh, those poor babies. Will someone please put them out of their collective misery??
Gemma Sidney
April 20, 2011
#10. Buy a bunch of kids’ CDs and play them on loop for a week – in the car, in the living room, in the bedroom just before going to sleep (if she manages to fall asleep and not have too many nursery rhyme-induced nightmares). Soon enough she will be at your mercy.
I’m getting married soon and I’m sick of people telling me smugly, “Next come the babies!!”. No thank you. I’m deliberately going to show this post to my fiancé so he’ll know what to do if I ever decide I want my very own little monster. Ha! That’ll be sure to foil Future Gem. Thanks in advance.
The Good Greatsby
April 21, 2011
You’re wise to warn your fiance in advance. You have to be prepared before you see a cute baby and your rational objections are overcome with its cuteness.
Gemma Sidney
April 21, 2011
Good thing you only used photos of ugly babies in your post, then. I hope none of them are yours…
The Good Greatsby
April 21, 2011
I tried not to use any cute baby pictures that might make people feel sympathy for babies.
lifeintheboomerlane
April 20, 2011
Have you considered coming up with a rare familial disorder in which people in your family who sire children before age X, almost always have children who become potty trained after age 10, take 12 years to get through college, and almost always then come back to live at home.
writerwoman61
April 20, 2011
#10. Buy a basketball. Repeatedly point to it and ask, “Do you think your vajayjay will stretch this far, Honey?”
Wendy
Tori Nelson
April 20, 2011
Haha! #10- Tell her you are Google searching for a new Episcopal church to ensure your future kid can start his/her life off already right with the Lord. “Accidentally” type in Episiotomy and show her the pictures. “I’ve NEVER seen that church round here before”.
The Good Greatsby
April 21, 2011
Many people who’ve lapsed religiously, find themselves religious again once they have a family. I considered the husband developing a new interest in whatever strange religion he was raised in, but I cut it because I couldn’t think of which religion to name without offending anyone.
modestypress
April 23, 2011
You may mention my religion as it is difficult to offend me and I am the only member. I am an “ethical nihilist” who has just “come out of the closet.” Nihilists get a bad press because of people such as Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot, etc., who were seriously bad people. However, even though I am a nihilist (thus believing in nothing and worshiping the number zero), I follow more or less the same moral/ethical standards as most people reading this; i.e., I do not murder people (unless they really deserve it, such as having noisy parties in the middle of the night and not inviting me, drinking on my lawn without offering me a swig, peeing on my house, etc.) not stealing amounts of money less than $1,000,000, not eating babies unless they are prepared properly according to Jonathan Swift’s recipe [http://art-bin.com/art/omodest.html], not kicking dogs unless they kick me first.
Anyway, I lapse religiously every Thursday after the third full moon, already had my family of one child who still (inexplicably) speaks to me and choses to visit me of her own accord and even lets me play with my grandchild who has two mommies and two daddies, which is pretty nihilistic right there. Anyway, if this doesn’t put any mom off having children I don’t know what will.
Your mileage may vary.
cooper
April 20, 2011
#10 – Bring home a copy of “Parenting Made Easy” by Joel Steinberg and Hedda Nussbaum. Sit and read it cover to cover, alternately breaking into fits of laughter and tears.
The Good Greatsby
April 21, 2011
I like that image of laughing at parenting advice as your wife looks on in dismay.
spilledinkguy
April 21, 2011
Prepare an hour-long Power Point presentation describing your intention to create future, hour-long slide-shows of … mundane… parenting… stuff. On at least a bi-weekly basis. Because you are THAT excited – and you want to feel more involved.
Don’t skimp on the charts and graphs (make sure to spend at least 10 minutes explaining the x and y axes. In monotone.
Use as much disturbing clip art as possible.
And a flowery typeface.
🙂
The Good Greatsby
April 21, 2011
I would recommend comic sans. If your wife has any taste, she’ll run in horror.
gojulesgo
April 21, 2011
Yes! I’m so glad I don’t have to try to come up with a #10, but can instead just give an emphatic “Hell ya!” in response to the bashing of the world’s most depressing font, comic sans.
Laura
April 21, 2011
#10 – Send her to a traditional baby shower. There’s a weird phenomenon that I’ve observed at every all-female baby shower I’ve attended: at some point during the shower, the conversation will turn to things that can go horribly wrong during delivery. One woman will talk about something horrific that happened to her third cousin, and others will chime in with progressively more graphic and more awful. Listening to those stories is the reason I don’t have children.
To reinforce the message, rent the movie “Alien”.
The Good Greatsby
April 21, 2011
Women love to tell each other horror stories. My wife went without an epidural for the second birth and I’m convinced she did it for the sole purpose of one-upping her friends.
jaerae1971
April 21, 2011
If that’s why she did it without an epidural, she’s brilliant. It’s true, women love there horor stories, I use mine all the time. Had an ovary removed WHILE I was six months pregnant which resulted in 40 staples being kicked at from the inside. It also works to guilt the kicker.
Ironic Mom
April 21, 2011
Tell her she’ll have to attend her own baby shower. That just about did me in. I may have had to wear a hat worn out of bows.
The Good Greatsby
April 21, 2011
I had no idea women at baby showers were subjected to such humiliation. You have my sincerest sympathies.
Ahmnodt Heare
April 21, 2011
#10 – Bring the wife to Chuck E. Cheese. When you get there, offer to buy sodas for all the children. All of them.
modestypress
April 21, 2011
Show her pictures of your green and purple polkadot-colored siblings. Tell her, “Yes, I am flesh colored. However, our family geneticist informed me that it’s a recessive trait.”
Then start painting and wall-papering the house to color coordinate with the likely offspring.
bridgesburning
April 21, 2011
Tell her you will especially love her after the baby with her soft nice wider hips.
The Good Greatsby
April 21, 2011
I wanted to put something in there about a woman losing her figure, but I couldn’t think of a veiled way for the man to suggest it.
accidentalstepmom
April 21, 2011
#10: Babies become teenagers.
The Good Greatsby
April 21, 2011
Is there a way to use age progression software to show what babies will look like as smug teenagers? Potential parents needs to see this before they decide to have children.
fornormalstepfathers
April 29, 2011
Burst into laughing. They do become teenagers! Tears.
reelingintheyears.wordpress.com
April 21, 2011
Driving multiple times on various interstates as a passenger with a teenaged driver should do.
The Good Greatsby
April 21, 2011
Driving with a teenager might scare her out of having children. It might also scare her out of ever going out of the house again.
subWOW
April 21, 2011
Just rent my kids! Problem solved!
educlaytion
April 21, 2011
You’re my hero for the next 12 hours. Be sure to remind her how scary the world is to bring a baby into. Get lost in the scariest part of town and leave her in the car to go get directions.
The Good Greatsby
April 21, 2011
Great suggestion. She needs to remember the world is a scary, scary, scary place.
Olivia K
April 21, 2011
#10 Politely explain that you can spend the rest of your lives paying for diapers, dance classes, soccer cleats, piano lessons, “the best private schools,” the glasses they’ve lost 59 times, the concerning amount of fruit they eat each week, the library book they accidentally put in the fire place (while it was burning), the modeling clay for ANOTHER book report project, college, and grandchildren. Or you can take her to a private tropical Island . . . for six months . . . every year . . .until she dies.
japecake
April 21, 2011
Get creative and think north, south, east, and west.
Oh, man, I finally get to use my Bathroom Compass by Rubbermaid™! Also: I’m gonna go full geyser and try for the ceiling.
The Good Greatsby
April 21, 2011
I wanted to encourage a shot at the ceiling, but I couldn’t make, “think x, y, and z axis” funny.
berettaluvz26
April 21, 2011
#10: Tell her that in order to save up extra for the upcoming addition, she should get a job at Walmart. She should see enough bratty kids come through her line to make her ovaries run screaming out of her vagina. If not, wear a disguise and lead parents with screaming kid to her checkout line.
And also? That fake enthusiasm one really, really works. Nothing makes me rethink having kids now as much as hearing my husband whine about how much he wants one Right. Now.
Redneckprincess
April 21, 2011
Tell her the cute little baby will learn to talk, walk, mouth off, eat you out of house and home, and then turns into a teenager…which NEVER MOVES OUT OF YOUR HOUSE…
The Good Greatsby
April 24, 2011
Won’t it be fun when he’s in his thirties and he and his wife are living with us?
Spectra
April 21, 2011
Take the Jim Jones approach; he had his voice blasting thru speakers 24 hours a day via tapes. He mind-controlled his culties this way. He was insane.
So, wire the entire house for speaker sound, play continuous baby cries and shrieks. Do not show her where the “off” switch is, because in real life, babies have no “off” switch.
The Good Greatsby
April 24, 2011
Great idea. People should be required to listen to tapes of babies crying all day before they make their decision. How do you know whether you’re ready to withstand a prolonged sensory onslaught until you’ve tested yourself?
marryin'thelibrarian
April 21, 2011
#10) Tell your wife you’ve got that software program that morphs your two faces to show what your children will look like.
Then present her with a picture of Gary Busey.
Or her high school nemesis.
marryin'thelibrarian
April 21, 2011
I think an alternative title for this post could have been “Put Babies on the Back Burner…Figuratively, Of Course”
thoughtsappear
April 22, 2011
“Buy a plant and water it with Coke. “—Waaaaait…There’s something wrong with that?
The Good Greatsby
April 22, 2011
No there’s nothing wrong with that if your intention is to trick people into thinking you’re irresponsible.
thoughtsappear
April 22, 2011
What about making people think I hate plants?
Binky
April 22, 2011
Kids are fine. It’s what they can turn into which is scary. Borrow some teens from the local juvenile detention center for the weekend and let nature take its course.
The Good Greatsby
April 22, 2011
I don’t think the teens necessarily need to be from the juvenile detention center to qualify as scary.
shreejacob
April 22, 2011
Not sure if this has been submitted but:
#10 Find a friend who has a friend working as a nurse in the delivery ward. Take wife to see a real life birth (make special arrangements so that the patient is someone that has low tolerance of pain). Allow wife to experience the screams, curses, and everything that goes with delivery. Make sure you are not in there, or you might faint 😉
OR
# Buy a huge ball and play a game with wife. Who can push that ball through a 10 cm opening wins a prize..hehe!
girlonthecontrary
April 22, 2011
So, birth control brownies are out of the question???
The Good Greatsby
April 23, 2011
I’m worried there might be negative side-effects if your wife eats a brownie every day of your marriage.
abbycdiddy
April 23, 2011
tell her you just realized you’re a pedophile, or a cannibal who prefers the flesh of babies.
fornormalstepfathers
April 29, 2011
So mean.
Forwarding it to my husband.
Labor pains? Having experienced both kidney stones and natural birth, I ‘d go with the birth any day.
Thomas Stazyk
May 6, 2011
I’ve been out of the loop travelling, which is why I’ve been quiet. But a great way to discourage breeding would be to take an airplane ride and watch parents trying to cope with kids of all ages and how welcome parents with kids are on planes!