Things I Carry in My Pocket for the Sole Purpose of Confusing the Police in the Event of My Untimely Death

I have nothing against the police. I just want to believe my death will result in a lot of confusion and memorable stories.

You’re probably worried what your kids will think after you’re gone if you fill your purse full of suspicious items, but I’ve already explained my plan to my wife and kids and I have their full support.

I want people to keep talking about me after I’m gone.

I sure hope so. My kids have always been ashamed by my lack of fame.

I carried a bottle of chloroform around for a couple weeks, but it was too bulky and I eventually gave it up.

At least you have a plan. If the police don’t find it first, you can pull it out of your pocket when trying to meet girls and can prove you have ambition.

I was hoping the picture would reel in the ‘old’ demographic, so I’m glad it hooked you.

I like to think of Sergeant Smith looking over his shoulder after he reads the note.

Thank you. This is moving so fast. Let’s take it slow and get to know each other first.

I consider myself a good guy, why do I have so many ideas for making trouble?

I had custom twenty pocket pants made.

Thanks. Hope you come back soon.

Thanks. I’m glad you liked it.

Thanks. I hope you’ll come back and call other posts ‘absolute genius’.

It was Adam 12, but I would definitely watch a show called Adam Adam, no matter what the plot.

Thanks. Hope you come back and compliment me again.

It’s true he may not remember the artwork, especially if it was a level of quality that deemed it worthy for the trash.

How did you know my police chief’s license plate number? Hmm…suspicious.

When they discover the treasure map was a hoax, I hope they’ll take time to appreciate the high quality of the treasure map I created.

It’s true I never considered they’d look at my blog. My plan is falling apart.

If they discover it’s all a hoax, I hope they’ll appreciate all the work I put in to give them a memorable story.

You’re right. I did include a warning at the bottom that this ruse could mean big trouble if the police empty your pockets while you’re still alive.

Thanks. Your compliments have made my day so much better. Please come back often and give me more compliments.

I hope you won’t live to regret it.

Thanks. I live to confuse.

I couldn’t have done it without the burning desire to write funnier stuff than you.

Good suggestion. My burn bag will only contain a note that reads: I thought I told you not to look inside this bag.

I have my reasons for wanting revenge. Let’s just say the No Parking zones in my town are not as clearly marked as I think they should be.

I hope the police chief won’t stay angry and will eventually appreciate how hard I worked on that map. He can re-use it later to give people directions to a garden party.

I have other people I would like to trick besides the police, but I can’t figure out a way to make them check my pockets.

Meat underpants? I’d love to hear the police debate the meaning of those.

You might also like my blog on Friday afternoons.
Also all day Saturdays.
Sundays I’m not so sure.
Mondays through Wednesdays might also be worth your time.

She’s flattered to be the first one I warned.

I’ve been calling myself a legend for years and it’s refreshing to finally hear somebody else say it.

I agree. You should send her a link.

I felt I had to add a disclaimer at the end so nobody could blame me later.

I couldn’t think of another way to guarantee my death would make the front page.

If the police hadn’t already impounded my car I might try and think of something.

I get that a lot.

Please don’t cite me as a source of inspiration when you’re interrogated.

I like the way you think.

I’m up to the task.

I’m more interested in whether the police chief will have a grudge against me after he reads this.

Whenever I buy a bag or a box or a suitcase and I’m talking to the salesperson, I describe all the sizes in terms of body parts. “I’m looking for a box about the size of a head. I need a bag about the size of a torso.”

I guess that’s enough to get the police started.

I’m flattered. I won’t try and top your comment since I know how competitive you are.

I will keep em’ coming. It will be my mission in life.

You’re awesome because of your great taste in liking me.

I’m happy to think someone like you will get a good story out of my death.

I finally beat you to something, Japey! I’m sick of you writing things I wish I had thought of first. My only recourse was to hack your computer and post your “Things I Want the Royal Canadian Mounted Police to Find on My Person Should I Meet My Unexpected Demise in the Yukon” under a slightly different title.

Nice wordplay. I may borrow that.

That’s what I keep telling her.

If you can’t think of a better way to make yourself memorable, this is as good a method as any.

Thank you for your compliments. You are always welcome to return and compliment me more.

I raised my hand at a city planning meeting and he didn’t call on me. Right then and there I plotted my revenge.

Thank you for subscribing. You may remember the decision to subscribe as one the best decisions of your life, especially if all your other decisions have been terrible.

These are all funny ideas and a new step in a different direction.

Good idea. I did consider some sort of combination, but it never quite worked.