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The humor blog of Paul Johnson, Brad Pitt's body double in Thelma and Louise according to a rumor Paul just started.
Browsing All posts tagged under »fatherhood«
Dear Parents of Our Son’s Best Friend: Did You Hear Your Son Called Us the Coolest Parents?
Dear Parents of My Son’s Best Friend, As you may have heard, your son was visiting our home last week when he told our son, “You have the coolest parents.” If you hadn’t heard this news yet, maybe you should check your texts more often because I’ve sent you like twenty. This must be a […]
‘Are You Going Out Tonight?’ My Kids Ask Hopefully
March 26, 2013
I often wear earplugs when writing in my office, and when I come out I’ve learned I can leave the earplugs in and still understand what the children are saying, because they’re invariably asking one of two questions: ‘Are you going out tonight?’ and ‘What time will you be home?’ I was a kid once, […]
Dream a Little Dream for Me…Or Else
March 1, 2013
My 11-year-old recently asked me, “When I was little did you have any dreams for what you wanted me to be when I grew up?” I thought about his question for a moment before answering, “I always dreamed you’d grow up to be the president’s son.” There are still so many things I want to […]
It Takes Two to Tangle
February 13, 2013
When people ask me what’s the best part of being a parent, I answer, ‘Mind your own business.’ I prefer to avoid parenting conversations because I don’t want to admit the thing I like best about my two children is all the excuses they provide. ‘I wish we could help you move, but we don’t […]
Jealousy Thy Name is Parent
October 23, 2012
If there’s one thing I like about being a parent, that wouldn’t be much of a recommendation for parenthood, would it? But if there’s one thing I like, it’s taking joy in the achievements of my children as an emotional substitute for my own lack of accomplishments. I’m not the first parent to make this […]
In with the In Crowd–Or Else!
October 8, 2012
Our two sons recently began a new school year at a new school and while taking a walk yesterday my 11-year-old Optimist Prime told me how much he was enjoying the new group of friends he’d made. OP: I really like my new friends. They’re really interesting and creative and do stuff with their lives. […]
Did You Know? Did You Know? Did You Know?
September 26, 2012
My 8-year-old The Fonz is a perpetual source of non-sequiturs, interrupting conversation with sound bytes varying from the funny, “Why go to Mount Everest when you can see the top from Google Earth? It’s the same thing,” to the philosophically bizarre, “Did you know if your shadow was three-dimensional, it would open a black hole?” […]
I Give Apollo Fonzarelli ‘The Talk’
September 17, 2012
Parents dread their children reaching the age when they have to give them ‘the talk’. You keep putting it off, thinking your kid isn’t old enough to be interested in such adult issues, but procrastination may put your child at risk. Yes, I couldn’t put it off any longer and this week I decided it […]
Dear Mr. Foosball
August 31, 2012
Dear Mr. Foosball, I recently ordered a foosball table from your company. It was delivered and assembled while I was at work and now that I’ve had some time to look it over I worry it may be inappropriate for our children. Here are my concerns: 1. Why aren’t any of the players smiling? We […]
Make Your Own Summer Camp
July 16, 2012
My wife is traveling for a couple weeks and I’m searching for ideas to occupy the kids that don’t violate my wife’s list of forbidden activities: TV Video games Crime We wanted to send them to a summer camp but decided against it when we learned they cost money, and I’ve resorted to finding alternative […]
Summer Break is Breaking My Spirit
July 10, 2012
Well, we’re a month into the kids’ summer vacation and that means I’ve started 30 straight mornings asking the mirror why kids get a summer vacation. Why do kids get time off? They’re just going to forget half the stuff they learned during the previous year. They’ll waste at least a month of the new […]
The Prime Minister’s Literal Pub Crawl
June 20, 2012
The British Prime Minister, David Cameron, was recently embarrassed upon the revelation he had left his 8-year-old daughter behind after the family visited a pub. Apparently two of his children rode in one car with Cameron’s wife and his wife assumed the 8-year-old was riding in a second car with the Prime Minister. You may […]
Read my latest on the Huffington Post:
May 2, 2013
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