Browsing All posts tagged under »children«

And That’s a Wrap: 2013

January 14, 2014

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At the end of 2011 I posted a summary of my year: And That’s a Wrap I meant to do the same at the end of 2012 but I got distracted watching Game of Thrones and forgot to do anything in 2012. 2013 In January I started writing the back page Slice of Life humor […]

Scientists Prove What’s the Matter with Kids Today

December 16, 2013

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In a study sponsored by your parents, scientists have revealed kids today can’t run as fast or as far as their parents. I didn’t need a study to tell me that. My children’s tear-streaked, dust-covered faces way back there in the distance tell all. As far as I understand, this study considers my generation to […]

When I Was a Kid Things Were Tough

November 1, 2013

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When I was a kid things were tough–so much tougher than the kids today have it. The toughest part for my generation was that it was so hard to find anybody to complain to about how tough things were. The kids today can whine once on Facebook and immediately reach hundreds of people. But when […]

The Fonz Rebrands His Brother

October 11, 2013

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My twelve-year-old son Optimist Prime has always prided himself on never following the crowd and never doing something just because the popular kids say it’s cool. It has me kind of worried. The doctors tell us he should have outgrown his idealism by now. His mother and I are having a hard time making him […]

A Responsible Life is a Life Half Lived

August 22, 2013

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When you’re just a kid you look at all the life ahead of you as a series of milestones: I can’t wait to be a teenager. I can’t wait to get my driver’s license. I can’t wait to get a fake driver’s license. I can’t wait to have sex for the first time. I can’t […]

I’ve Had a Lovely Time…But This Wasn’t It

July 19, 2013

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A recent study confirmed what our gut was already telling us: Baseball is pretty boring. A Wall Street Journal study estimates the typical 3-hour game contains more than two and a half hours of waiting and only 17 minutes and 58 seconds of actual action. This means 90% of a baseball game is spent standing […]

America No Longer Fattest Nation! Cupholder Layoffs Expected

July 10, 2013

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At a recent healthy lunch event for children hosted by Michelle Obama at the White House, one of the kids asked President Obama his favorite food and the president answered, “Broccoli.” If any of the children had asked his favorite hobbies, I wonder if he would have answered, “Homework and going to bed early.” But […]

Dear Parents of Our Son’s Best Friend: Did You Hear Your Son Called Us the Coolest Parents?

May 2, 2013

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Dear Parents of My Son’s Best Friend, As you may have heard, your son was visiting our home last week when he told our son, “You have the coolest parents.” If you hadn’t heard this news yet, maybe you should check your texts more often because I’ve sent you like twenty. This must be a […]

The Fonz Celebrates His Birthday by Pausing for Breath

April 29, 2013

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My youngest son The Fonz recently celebrated his ninth birthday. The last year witnessed him achieving numerous milestones such as working up the nerve to ask his crush’s name then forgetting it immediately; going an entire week without putting any of his clothes on backwards; and for the first time pausing for breath and giving […]

‘Are You Going Out Tonight?’ My Kids Ask Hopefully

March 26, 2013

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I often wear earplugs when writing in my office, and when I come out I’ve learned I can leave the earplugs in and still understand what the children are saying, because they’re invariably asking one of two questions: ‘Are you going out tonight?’ and ‘What time will you be home?’ I was a kid once, […]

Dream a Little Dream for Me…Or Else

March 1, 2013

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My 11-year-old recently asked me, “When I was little did you have any dreams for what you wanted me to be when I grew up?” I thought about his question for a moment before answering, “I always dreamed you’d grow up to be the president’s son.” There are still so many things I want to […]

It Takes Two to Tangle

February 13, 2013

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When people ask me what’s the best part of being a parent, I answer, ‘Mind your own business.’ I prefer to avoid parenting conversations because I don’t want to admit the thing I like best about my two children is all the excuses they provide. ‘I wish we could help you move, but we don’t […]

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