America No Longer Fattest Nation! Cupholder Layoffs Expected

July 10, 2013



At a recent healthy lunch event for children hosted by Michelle Obama at the White House, one of the kids asked President Obama his favorite food and the president answered, “Broccoli.” If any of the children had asked his favorite hobbies, I wonder if he would have answered, “Homework and going to bed early.” But […]

Posted in: Columns

Sometimes Being a Genius is Hard

July 3, 2013



Sometimes being a genius is hard. For example, one of the hardest things about being a genius is getting people to understand that a genius’ time is better spent solving the world’s problems than explaining to the people who administer the genius tests that their evaluation system is too primitive to understand your genius. But […]

Posted in: Columns

The Only Thing I Ever Wanted

June 5, 2013



When I look back on my life, I never really cared about fame or money. All I really wanted was to be loved. Loved by someone with a lot of fame and money. And if I became famous and rich as a result of being loved by that someone, I guess I would accept those […]

Posted in: Columns

I Wonder If Any Celebrities Are Thinking About Me Right Now

May 20, 2013


How I Met Your Mother

The other day I was watching the special features on a DVD of the TV show How I Met Your Mother, and each member of the cast commented on how the other cast members had begun to feel like a family. And I wondered how this made those celebrities’ real families feel. And I wonder […]

Posted in: Columns

Dear Parents of Our Son’s Best Friend: Did You Hear Your Son Called Us the Coolest Parents?

May 2, 2013


Dear Parents of My Son’s Best Friend, As you may have heard, your son was visiting our home last week when he told our son, “You have the coolest parents.” If you hadn’t heard this news yet, maybe you should check your texts more often because I’ve sent you like twenty. This must be a […]

Posted in: Family

The Fonz Celebrates His Birthday by Pausing for Breath

April 29, 2013



My youngest son The Fonz recently celebrated his ninth birthday. The last year witnessed him achieving numerous milestones such as working up the nerve to ask his crush’s name then forgetting it immediately; going an entire week without putting any of his clothes on backwards; and for the first time pausing for breath and giving […]

Posted in: Family

When I Become Famous: The First 24 Hours

April 10, 2013



As a kid I never dreamed of being famous. Instead, I dreamed of having a friend who was famous and then telling that person what to do. I wouldn’t want to be famous myself because once I became famous I assume people would look at me with certain expectations, like a famous person should be […]

Posted in: Columns

Dear Game of Thrones, Season 3: Please Don’t Suck

March 29, 2013



Dear Game of Thrones, Season 3, Please don’t suck. I’ve been let down by television before, and I don’t think I could bear getting hurt again. Lately, I’ve felt television has been taking advantage of our relationship, violating our agreement that it would provide me with mindless escapism in exchange for me ignoring my family […]

Posted in: Love Letters

‘Are You Going Out Tonight?’ My Kids Ask Hopefully

March 26, 2013



I often wear earplugs when writing in my office, and when I come out I’ve learned I can leave the earplugs in and still understand what the children are saying, because they’re invariably asking one of two questions: ‘Are you going out tonight?’ and ‘What time will you be home?’ I was a kid once, […]

Posted in: Family

That’s the Way the Cookie Crumbles

March 8, 2013


Thin Mints

A South Carolina man was charged with stealing $19,000 worth of Girl Scout cookies, or 450 cases. Police were able to apprehend the man after asking the public to be on the lookout for anyone exhibiting any suspicious behavior, like gaining two hundred pounds in a day. Parents may want to clip this article to […]

Posted in: Uncategorized

Dream a Little Dream for Me…Or Else

March 1, 2013



My 11-year-old recently asked me, “When I was little did you have any dreams for what you wanted me to be when I grew up?” I thought about his question for a moment before answering, “I always dreamed you’d grow up to be the president’s son.” There are still so many things I want to […]

Posted in: Family

The Art of Excuses: Lesson 1

February 22, 2013


Woman Standing on Scale

If January is the time for setting New Year’s resolutions, February is the time for spinning our failure to reach those resolutions. All February long people keep asking you about January’s public proclamation to lose weight, write a book, or stop making public proclamations. Now is the time for excuses. If you’re an excuse rookie […]

Posted in: Columns

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