When I Was a Kid Things Were Tough

November 1, 2013


tough childhood

When I was a kid things were tough–so much tougher than the kids today have it. The toughest part for my generation was that it was so hard to find anybody to complain to about how tough things were. The kids today can whine once on Facebook and immediately reach hundreds of people. But when […]

Posted in: Family

The Fonz Rebrands His Brother

October 11, 2013



My twelve-year-old son Optimist Prime has always prided himself on never following the crowd and never doing something just because the popular kids say it’s cool. It has me kind of worried. The doctors tell us he should have outgrown his idealism by now. His mother and I are having a hard time making him […]

Posted in: Family

Why Aren’t People Talking About Me Behind My Back?

September 30, 2013


talking behind back

They say “success breeds envy,” and I spend a lot of time wondering: If I’m as successful as I think, why aren’t more people envious of me? And when I say ‘why aren’t more people envious of me?’ I could just as easily write, ‘why aren’t any people envious of me?’ And why aren’t more […]

Posted in: Columns

A Responsible Life is a Life Half Lived

August 22, 2013



When you’re just a kid you look at all the life ahead of you as a series of milestones: I can’t wait to be a teenager. I can’t wait to get my driver’s license. I can’t wait to get a fake driver’s license. I can’t wait to have sex for the first time. I can’t […]

Posted in: Family

Money Can’t Buy You Happiness…But It Can Get You Awfully Close

July 25, 2013



They say money can’t buy happiness, but I’m willing to give it a try. And how do scientists even know whether money can buy happiness without conducting empirical research on a subject, possibly someone like myself who volunteers to be given a million dollars a year for the rest of his life? I’d do it. […]

Posted in: Columns

I’ve Had a Lovely Time…But This Wasn’t It

July 19, 2013


baseball boring

A recent study confirmed what our gut was already telling us: Baseball is pretty boring. A Wall Street Journal study estimates the typical 3-hour game contains more than two and a half hours of waiting and only 17 minutes and 58 seconds of actual action. This means 90% of a baseball game is spent standing […]

Posted in: Columns

A Letter from J.K. Rowling

July 16, 2013



This week, author J.K. Rowling revealed she had written a detective novel, Cuckoo’s Calling, under the pseudonym Robert Galbraith. For those of you unfamiliar with J.K. Rowling, some might say she is best known as the author of the book The Casual Vacancy. Although many more might say she’s even better known as the author […]

Posted in: Columns

America No Longer Fattest Nation! Cupholder Layoffs Expected

July 10, 2013



At a recent healthy lunch event for children hosted by Michelle Obama at the White House, one of the kids asked President Obama his favorite food and the president answered, “Broccoli.” If any of the children had asked his favorite hobbies, I wonder if he would have answered, “Homework and going to bed early.” But […]

Posted in: Columns

Sometimes Being a Genius is Hard

July 3, 2013



Sometimes being a genius is hard. For example, one of the hardest things about being a genius is getting people to understand that a genius’ time is better spent solving the world’s problems than explaining to the people who administer the genius tests that their evaluation system is too primitive to understand your genius. But […]

Posted in: Columns

The Only Thing I Ever Wanted

June 5, 2013



When I look back on my life, I never really cared about fame or money. All I really wanted was to be loved. Loved by someone with a lot of fame and money. And if I became famous and rich as a result of being loved by that someone, I guess I would accept those […]

Posted in: Columns

I Wonder If Any Celebrities Are Thinking About Me Right Now

May 20, 2013


How I Met Your Mother

The other day I was watching the special features on a DVD of the TV show How I Met Your Mother, and each member of the cast commented on how the other cast members had begun to feel like a family. And I wondered how this made those celebrities’ real families feel. And I wonder […]

Posted in: Columns

Dear Parents of Our Son’s Best Friend: Did You Hear Your Son Called Us the Coolest Parents?

May 2, 2013


Dear Parents of My Son’s Best Friend, As you may have heard, your son was visiting our home last week when he told our son, “You have the coolest parents.” If you hadn’t heard this news yet, maybe you should check your texts more often because I’ve sent you like twenty. This must be a […]

Posted in: Family

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 11,963 other followers