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The humor blog of Paul Johnson, Brad Pitt's body double in Thelma and Louise according to a rumor Paul just started.
Browsing All Posts filed under »Columns«
I Wonder If Any Celebrities Are Thinking About Me Right Now
The other day I was watching the special features on a DVD of the TV show How I Met Your Mother, and each member of the cast commented on how the other cast members had begun to feel like a family. And I wondered how this made those celebrities’ real families feel. And I wonder […]
When I Become Famous: The First 24 Hours
April 10, 2013
As a kid I never dreamed of being famous. Instead, I dreamed of having a friend who was famous and then telling that person what to do. I wouldn’t want to be famous myself because once I became famous I assume people would look at me with certain expectations, like a famous person should be […]
The Art of Excuses: Lesson 1
February 22, 2013
If January is the time for setting New Year’s resolutions, February is the time for spinning our failure to reach those resolutions. All February long people keep asking you about January’s public proclamation to lose weight, write a book, or stop making public proclamations. Now is the time for excuses. If you’re an excuse rookie […]
Sad News for Boring Romantics
January 18, 2013
A couple who met on Facebook after realizing they shared the same name, Kelly Hildebrandt, have decided to divorce after three years of marriage, as reported by news organizations all over the world. Discouraged couples everywhere are asking themselves the same question: If a couple who based their marriage on having the same name can’t […]
3.5 Feet of Bad Blood
January 9, 2013
While staying at a hotel last week on Thailand’s Phi Phi Island, I noticed a paper taped to the mirror, itemizing specific charges for damaging hotel property. Two charges caught my eye for their macabre specificity: 13 Bed 3.5 feet bloody 4550 (approx. US $150) 14 Bed 6 feet bloody 7800 (approx. US $257) I […]
Gangnam Style for Peace
January 2, 2013
I approach this new year 2013 with great optimism as I have grounds to believe this might be the year mankind finally sets aside its differences and unites in a spirit of peace and harmony. In the 1989 film Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Rufus travels back in time to tell Bill and Ted they […]
But I am Just a Man
December 18, 2012
I am just a man. A normal, average man. Please, don’t treat me any differently. I put my pants on one leg at a time—just like you—except my pants cost 300 dollars and I’ll only wear them once. But I am just a man, the same as other men. I have regular guy stresses, like […]
Nothing to Wear at the End of the World
December 11, 2012
Some people are predicting the end of the world is coming on December 21st based on an ancient Mayan prophecy. I’m conflicted because we’re leaving for vacation on the 18th and if the world is just going to end three days later, I’m not sure whether to bother getting someone to feed the cat. If […]
Dear Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary
November 26, 2012
Dear Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary, I’m still awaiting a reply to my letter questioning the religious implications of your dogmatically rigid alphabetizing system, but today I write on a separate matter. I know your team is working hard to organize the English language, and I don’t want you to take this as a personal criticism, but I’ve […]
Just When You Thought It Was Safe for Your Husband to Have an Official Biographer
November 14, 2012
If you follow the news, or spy on the CIA, you’ve probably heard about CIA Director David Petraeus resigning after investigators discovered he was having an affair with his biographer. Take this as a warning, wives: you thought you only had to worry about your husband getting too close to his secretary; now you have […]
If You Have Time to Secede from the Union, You Must Have Time to Help Out Around the House
November 12, 2012
When I look back on being a kid, if there’s one thing I remember, it’s being much younger. My kids have also helped me remember that an important part of growing up is learning how to avoid work. Every kid learns to pick up on the small signals that Mom and Dad are about to […]
Don’t Tell Me How it Ends
November 7, 2012
So I’ve been pretty busy the last week and haven’t had time to follow the American election. I recorded CNN’s election night coverage but I won’t have time to watch it until next week, so nobody tell me who won. Also, don’t tell me who won the Republican primary; I want to be surprised. Also, […]
Read my latest on the Huffington Post:
May 20, 2013
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