The Absolute Worst Things You Could Get on Halloween

Posted on October 26, 2012

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Every kid who’s ever been trick-or-treating has made a mental list of the very worst things you can get on Halloween. Even if you’re an adult and haven’t been trick-or-treating in thirty years you still remember the neighbors who gave toothbrushes at Halloween. And that’s the only thing you remember about those neighbors because nobody invited them to anything, ever.

When I hear kids debate the very worst thing you can get on Halloween, the list is usually topped by apples, raisins, toothbrushes and pennies. That’s when I like to interrupt in a grave voice and say, “Actually, kids, I can think of plenty of things much worse to get on Halloween.”

A religious pamphlet explaining why celebrating Halloween is a sin

Bad directions leading to the real haunted house instead of the fake haunted house

A reminder from the police that restraining orders also apply to trick-or-treating

Tuberculosis

Food poisoning

A dry cleaning bill related to the food poisoning

A plumber’s bill related to the food poisoning

A coupon for a teeth cleaning

A Valentine’s Day card from Mom, meaning it’s time to put her in a home

A paternity test subpoena

More compliments on how attractive you look in your bald, toothless hobo costume than you ever get in real life

Relationship advice on why you should break-up with your girlfriend while she quietly weeps, hidden in the second half of your horse costume

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Posted in: Columns