The first presidential debate is scheduled for tonight and Americans everywhere are anxiously looking forward to not watching.
After they finish not watching the debates, they’ll appease their civic guilt by checking the news for coverage of the debates so media pundits can tell them who won, similar to checking a sports score. Crowning the winner of a debate can be difficult because ideas are tricky to quantify, so media pundits will tally an imaginary scorecard based on style, mannerisms, color of tie, perceived sincerity of smiles, etc. Most importantly, the winner will be judged against expectations.
Campaigns to voters: Lower your expectations.
Voters to campaigns: Our expectations were already pretty low.
Romney’s campaign has attempted to lower expectations because of Romney’s penchant for verbal gaffes painting himself as an out-of-touch elitist plutocrat. Romney’s advisers have told him that he’ll exceed expectations if he can avoid the following comments:
Romney bragging about killing a hobo on a hunting trip.
Romney claiming he can save the government trillions by firing all Americans and outsourcing American citizenship to Asia.
Romney saying A Christmas Carol was his favorite book, up until the part when the ghosts showed up.
When asked about his five sons, Romney admitting to once having eight sons before firing three for poor performance.
Romney praising Darth Vader for all the jobs he created as part of his Death Star initiative.
Because everyone is expecting Romney to make a gaffe–and when I say everyone, I’m including Romney–Obama can’t appear overly confident or voters will start to feel sorry for Romney and see him as an underdog ten-millionaire instead of hundred-millionaire. His advisers have warned him against the following behaviors:
Obama showing up in sweats.
Obama having food delivered.
Obama talking loudly on a cell phone with Beyonce every time Mitt is speaking.
Obama arriving half an hour late, claiming he’d only heard about the election that day.
Obama continually forgetting Matt Rimney’s name.
Obama leaving early because he’d promised to babysit Beyonce’s baby.
Obama live tweeting during the debate: Guess who’s on TV right now, y’all?
I’d like to congratulate both campaigns on their effectiveness in lowering my expectations of both candidates.