I promised myself I wouldn’t do another play for a while after finishing Inspector Hound in June, but a week later I accepted the role of Adam in Frank McGuinness’ play Someone Who’ll Watch Over Me, premiering tomorrow night.
I find it hard to say no when approached by a director I really want to work with, or if a lot of my friends are involved, but after this play is over I’m absolutely taking a break. This time I mean it.
Unless the director flatters me by saying, “The theater community has seen your handsome acting technique; now let’s take it to the next level and show them your even handsomer acting technique. And if we have time let’s also show them you can act.”
Unless my leading lady is really attractive and doesn’t know I’m married.
Unless someone offers me the lead role in a theatrical adaptation of the TV show Mr. Belvedere.
Unless I’d be playing opposite Olivia Newton-John and there’s a scene where we get married and I can hire a real minister to perform the ceremony so she’ll have no idea we got married for real and when she finds out the truth and gets angry there’s also a scene in the play where a marriage counselor convinces her to give it a chance.
Unless I get to work with Vin Diesel and he plays the role of a guy I beat up because his movies are terrible.
Unless I play the role of a guy who turns down theater roles, thus fulfilling my promise to myself to turn down theater roles.
Unless I get the chance to work with one of my acting heroes like Paul Newman’s ghost.
Unless the play takes place in my house and the rest of the cast play decorators who paint and finish putting away all the stuff from our recent move.
Unless I get to take part in a technological breakthrough like performing the first play in 3D.
Unless my wife starts acting and people say she’s better.