Dear Mr. Foosball,
I recently ordered a foosball table from your company. It was delivered and assembled while I was at work and now that I’ve had some time to look it over I worry it may be inappropriate for our children. Here are my concerns:
1. Why aren’t any of the players smiling? We want our sons to play sports because they’re fun, not because they feel any pressure from Mom and Dad. And if they don’t have any fun, it’s not worth doing, unless it’s a sport that gets girls, which can also be fun.
2. Why aren’t there any black players? I don’t want my kids thinking black people shouldn’t be allowed to play sports, or are poor at sports, or are poor sports.
3. Why aren’t there any Indian players? I don’t want my kids thinking people from India aren’t good at sports, although to be honest they’re not.
4. I’m a bit concerned that all the players are attached to an aluminum pole causing them to move in unison. We’re trying to teach our kids to be individuals and not always go along with the crowd, and I fear this foosball table might send the wrong message. Do you have any foosball tables where the players are allowed to roam free?
5. I’m concerned about the philosophical implications of my kids controlling these players like a puppet-master or dictator. I worry the more they make decisions for these players, the more they’ll see parallels with religious questions about free will, fate, and destiny. We don’t want to force our children to grow up too fast. We already decided not to have the Nietzsche talk with our kids until they could spell Nietzsche.
6. Do you have any tables without goals? I’d prefer the kids play games without any point system that could designate a winner or loser. We don’t want any losers in our family. It doesn’t seem fair that one person should win just because he’s more talented or practiced harder. It’s not fair that some receive credit for achievement using talents they were born with. Some say we should reward those who work hard to develop their talents but in our family we discourage our kids from working to develop their talents because we view the ability to work hard as just another talent. It’s not fair that some people are born with better talents, and it’s not fair that some are born with the talent to work hard at improving their talents.
7. Also, I’m a little concerned that I’m not better at foosball. Specifically, why am I not better than my kids at foosball? Did you accidentally send me a junior edition which plays to the strengths of shorter people?
A Concerned Parent
Today is August 31st, the one year anniversary of my birthday last year. Read last year’s birthday post: Dreams that Won’t Come True After 33