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The humor blog of Paul Johnson, Brad Pitt's body double in Thelma and Louise according to a rumor Paul just started.
Browsing All Posts published on »February, 2012«
8 Activities for a Memorable Leap Day
#1 Go to a local bar and make friends with all the people celebrating a birthday. These new friends will quickly replace your old friends when you realize you only have to get them a birthday gift once every four years. (Note: I met my friend Arran for lunch to celebrate his leap year birthday, […]
Haikuing Your Way to Success
February 28, 2012
If you’re anything like me, most of your New Year’s resolutions focus on ways to impress others. And when I say ‘others’, of course I mean rich people. And when I say ‘rich people’, of course I mean people who are rich because they were paid handsomely for being good looking. Every year when I […]
Scenes from the Shanghai Painters’ Market
February 27, 2012
Last week I visited the Shanghai Painters’ Market, a location I used to frequent every few months during my first few years in China, but I had to scale back after every inch of our walls had been covered with paintings. We should have moved to a larger home with more wall space for more […]
This Guy’s in Love
February 26, 2012
I’m always looking for inspiration before I start writing and I find it extremely helpful to have a selection of verse printed right on the cover of all the notebooks I buy here in Shanghai. I carry the notebook below around with me throughout the day and read the message across the front cover every […]
The Gift is in the Mail
February 25, 2012
I’ve traveled all over China and I keep seeing the same placards to signify Men’s Restroom: And Women’s Restroom: But aren’t these two signs just a little bit sexist? Can’t a women smoke a pipe? And can’t a man use a high-heeled shoe to break open a coconut? ….. Only one day left to submit […]
Cop Steals Pudding; Taken into Custardy
February 24, 2012
Police in Houston arrested one of its own after a cop was repeatedly filmed stealing food and drinks from the break room refrigerator. Local media love a story about a crooked cop and they’ve probably jumped all over this story with the following sensational headlines: Cop Steals Pudding; Taken into Custardy Officer in Pickle After […]
My Trophy Room
February 23, 2012
All my life I’ve suspected I wasn’t receiving as many awards as I deserved. But if you bring that oversight to anyone’s attention, they automatically place a mental check next to your name for being the type of person who desires awards and is therefore the type of person who is undeserving of awards. The […]
The Good Greatsby’s One Year Blogaversary Spectacular
February 22, 2012
If you liked The Good Greatsby this past year, you should know I was barely even trying. If you didn’t like The Good Greatsby this past year, you should know I was barely even trying. If you’re not a good judge of quality and can’t tell whether The Good Greatsby is good or bad, but […]
Things I Can’t Buy One Day After Telling My Wife We Can’t Afford Braces for the Kids
February 21, 2012
The worst thing is when I tell my wife we can’t afford to get the kids braces, and then the very next day I see a deal on something I’ve always wanted and she gives me a dirty look when I come home with any of the following: A walk-in humidor. Braces for my mistress’ […]
Inspirational Shovegiving: it’s push but nuthin’s given
February 19, 2012
While scouring Shanghai for ironic gifts for Mrs. Greatsby’s birthday, I was fortunate enough to come across some Chinglish poetry in a stationery store. Chinese notebooks often have an inspirational or poetic message in English on the cover, and they usually make no sense, causing me to wonder what artistic influence the reading of these […]
Cutting the Cheese is a Cinnamon for Passing Gas
February 18, 2012
A Sentence Parsing: How can children seem so very smart and so very not smart at the same time? I’ve developed an elaborate system for quantifying my children’s statements to determine whether I should be worried or not. I applied this system to the following: At the dinner table Optimist Prime asked Mrs. Greatsby to […]
Read my latest on the Huffington Post:
February 29, 2012
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