Turning Thanksgiving into Thanksreceiving

Posted on November 23, 2011

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When your friends and family gather for Thanksgiving and list their blessings, make sure and remind everyone they should be especially thankful for you.

Are You too Impressive?

If you’re anything like me, you’re a tremendously impressive person, and part of what makes you impressive is your deep humility preventing you from bringing your accomplishments to anyone’s attention.  Impressive people like you learned your lesson back in elementary school when the teacher asked the class if anyone had anything to share, and you raised you hand and proceeded to outline your good grades, lack of cavities, and ability to find Waldo.  And after school the other kids beat you up.

But you never stopped being a super-talented dynamo and you realized people wouldn’t resent your talents as much if they discovered them on their own instead of you taking out a full page ad in the school newspaper.   But you’ve been waiting to be discovered for a long, long time and maybe your friends and family need a little help, and hosting Thanksgiving is the perfect opportunity for you to leave subtle clues around your house about being an impressive person.

Make your medicine cabinet as impressive as possible.

Someone will always check the medicine cabinet in your bathroom.  If you’re friends with my friend Andrew, then I guarantee Andrew will be this someone.  You may only worry about the discovery of fungal cream, but after removing the embarrassing products, why not replace them with all your trophies, college transcripts showing your outstanding GPA, and a solved Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle?

Leave complex scientific notes lying around.

I like to sketch mathematical equations on napkins and bury them in the middle of the stack.  When someone takes the napkin at Thanksgiving and asks why the napkin has an equation challenging Einstein’s theory of relativity, I snatch the napkin and tell her to mind her own business.  (Warning: Do not invite any guests who know anything about math.  Or relativity.  Or relatives who remember your terrible grades in math.)

Please pass me a napkin.

Hide tools around the house so people will think of you as handy and masculine.

Why not leave a drill under a couch cushion?  When a guest sits down he’ll immediately jump back up to pull the drill out from under him.  “I was wondering where I left that drill,” I nonchalantly tell him.  “I totally forgot it was under the cushion when I finished building the couch.”  If the guests doubts you could have built the couch, especially with nothing more than a drill, this would be a good time to wrestle the drill away from him and pretend you thought it was a gun.  Wrestling is also impressive.

Tack a fancy shopping list onto the refrigerator so people know you have good taste and money.

Shopping list:

Pule cheese made from donkey milk

1787 Chateau Lafitte

Matsutake mushrooms

white tiger cub

Super Bowl tickets

first edition Superman comic

Totino’s Party Pizza

Leave your daily planner open next to the toilet and when guests are looking for bathroom reading material, they’ll find every page looks like this:

If your family and friends don’t give thanks for you after all that, it may be time to meet some people with lower standards.

(My heartiest pip-pip to any new readers who found this post through Freshly Pressed.  Feel free to stick around and click on every single button hundreds of time.  You might enjoy the post I wrote in response to the first time I was Freshly Pressed: In Case You Haven’t Heard, I’m a Big Huge Gigantic Success; I’m Finally Getting the Recognition I’ve Always Claimed I Deserved)

Posted in: Columns