The Search Engine Oracle Speaks, Clears Throat, Reiterates

Posted on October 10, 2011

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Some seemingly innocent search terms keep me up late at night:

guess how much i love you

At first, I assumed this was a random search, but I found it more satisfying to convince myself I had a secret admirer.  Secret admirer, guessing how much I love you is pretty hard without knowing who you are and without knowing what scale of measurement we’re using.  But still, I’ll take a guess and say if we’re measuring using numbers I’ll estimate your love is about an 11 out of 14.  If we’re measuring using water and the scale is one Olympic size swimming pool, my estimate is about 432,000 gallons out of 550,000.  If you want that number converted to liters, well, I’m going to need to know your identity before I put any more work into this relationship.

Imagine this swimming pool with 118,000 gallons less.

When the history of our Internet age has been documented, will schoolchildren of the future laugh at our trust in search engines, similar to our generation’s disdain for those of past ages who consulted fortune tellers or the stars to provide insight on deep philosophical questions?  A search engine makes sense as a resource to find a good Indian restaurant or your local top hat dealership, but how reliable do you expect the answers to be when you consult Google regarding your love life?  Lots of lovelorn searchers visit my site each day seeking advice on love and have made my post, When Someone You Don’t Love Says I Love You, one of my most popular.

how to react when someone says i love you

how to respond when someone says i’m happy for you

is he secretly in love with me

how to respond when someone says i love you

This is my favorite:

if a person you love does not respond

I assume the questioner is wondering what to do if the person doesn’t respond to a proclamation of love, but isn’t it also possible the person just plain wasn’t responding because he was deceased and she hadn’t noticed?  Or maybe the person didn’t respond because it wasn’t a person at all but actually a mannequin or a clothes hamper.

what if someone loves you but you don’t love them

The more I get questions concerning what to do if someone says ‘I love you’ but you don’t love them back, the more I wonder if some percentage of these people are actually wondering about their legal rights.  Maybe they’ve never had anyone profess love before and they’re not sure if the mere proclamation might have entered them into a social contract like a common law marriage.  These people are probably kicking themselves for being so charming.

what do you respond when someone says to you thats wounderful

I assume the ‘wounderful’ was a misspelling, but I hope it’s actually a new back-handed word of congratulations people are saying to each other; your friend tells you she got a new promotion, and you reply, “That’s wounderful!”  And she’s not sure if she misheard or if you in fact intended to say ‘wound’ as in her success wounded you.

Not every love life problem is so complex:

betty white nude photos

When I published my post, This Post Contains No Nude Pictures of Celebrities, I realized somebody was going to search for Betty White nude photos and Google would send that searcher my way, and I would have to start wondering about any new reader whose first comment appeared on the same day of the Betty White nude photos search.  I tried to find a way to pin the search on Clay of educlaytion.com as potential blackmail in our ongoing competition to win Kate Beckinsale, but it appears Clay had been commenting for many months previous to that day and a search of his blog revealed no evidence of any unhealthy interest in Betty White…yet.

Apparently Laura of Unlikely Explanations  isn’t the only bad neighbor out there:

i think my neighbor is dead but i am more about his cat than him; what is wrong with me

Are neighbors dropping left and right?  This would be the third case I’ve heard in the past month of someone being unsure if a neighbor was dead.  The end result is that I’ve set a goal to be a much better neighbor by learning their names and resolving to stop reading their mail.

Still lots of people seeking advice on How to Out-stalk a Stalker:

i want to stalk a stalker

how do you stalk a stalker

what can i say to my stalker to scare him

stalk you steve

how to be a good stalker

This last one makes me wonder whether this person is seeking professional advice on how to be a better stalker.  I don’t approve of stalking, but I certainly believe anything worth doing is worth doing well.

…..

If nobody has noticed you hiding in the bathroom reading blogs on your iPad when you’re supposed to be working yet, why not read my other search engine posts?

The Search Engine Oracle Keeps on Speaking

The Search Engine Oracle Speaks Again

The Search Engine Oracle Has Spoken

Posted in: Columns