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The humor blog of Paul Johnson, Brad Pitt's body double in Thelma and Louise according to a rumor Paul just started.
Browsing All Posts published on »October, 2011«
Happy Halloween!
We decorated our yard for Halloween yesterday, and because most people don’t genuinely fear plastic skeletons and fake cobwebs, I always like to include something that plays on a genuine fear. This year I chose fear of flying: I’m really pleased with how the smoke turned out. The trick-or-treaters will be here any minute, but […]
Chinglish Guts
October 30, 2011
Here’s a new candy bar I just found here in Shanghai, although the packaging on the back is in Korean: Seems like ‘Guts’ would be the perfect candy bar to give out at Halloween. If you’re considering going as Kate Winslet for Halloween, you might be interested in this ‘Magical Plumping Breast Mask’ she appears […]
Saturday Hallowiener
October 29, 2011
My seven-year-old son, The Fonz, came downstairs and told his brother, “I just made a book and you can’t read it.” Optimist Prime barely looked up from his book before answering, “Okay.” “It’s full of secrets and you can’t see any of them.” “That’s fine.” “It’s full of secret codes and mysteries. Not even you […]
Monstrous Captions
October 28, 2011
If you should feel any discomfort during the procedure, just send me a signal by breaking your constraints, smashing the room, and burning the nearby village. This won’t hurt a bit…until I flip the switch to send 10,000 volts of electricity through your body. Sorry, I know you requested a black chest restraint to match […]
Scary Posts You May Have Missed
October 27, 2011
I complied a list of past posts that might be relevant before Halloween and guarantee you’ll be the hit of every party. In yesterday’s post some readers mentioned they weren’t familiar with Rebecca Black of ‘Friday’ fame, maybe because they were too busy wasting time reading books. Read how the song Friday haunted me so […]
What Do Justin Bieber, Gaddhafi’s Hat, and Hanging Chads Have in Common?
October 26, 2011
Just when you thought you had the perfect topical Halloween costume planned, the biebshell story broke late yesterday. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez adopted a puppy together. And now isn’t it obvious everyone at your office will be scrambling to jump on the biebwagon and create a GoBiebz puppy costume? You probably remember exactly where […]
Monsters Groan For Equal Rights
October 25, 2011
Monsters have made great strides in the last few decades as society becomes more and more tolerant and chooses to celebrate our differences. This means vampires, zombies, and werewolves have emerged from the shadows figuratively, although they often remain in the shadows literally. But some critics worry tolerance of monsters has gone too far and […]
Tips for Introducing Your Monster Boyfriend
October 24, 2011
Your parents never like the guys you bring home. They just can’t understand why you always seem to be attracted to bad boys. They called your last boyfriend a ‘monster’; how will they react when they learn your new boyfriend really is a monster? Literally. We may be living in a progressive age but don’t […]
Chinglish Medicine Cabinet
October 23, 2011
Whenever a doctor prescribes medicine for an embarrassing condition, I’m usually not worried about leaving it in the medicine cabinet because nobody will understand miconazole nitrate is a treatment for foot fungus, except maybe my friend Andrew, who is the type to look things up on Wikipedia and also the type to look through a […]
Saturday Salad: Dressing on the Side
October 22, 2011
My seven-year-old, The Fonz, showed me a story he’s writing and the first sentence made me laugh: Once upon a time 3 kids were best friends named Jay, Henry and most of all Jack. Here was an opening line that sucked me right in and I had to keep reading to find out why Jack […]
Rick Perry Death Stare Fails to Intimidate Voters
October 21, 2011
Texas has always been different than the rest of the United States, a lesson being learned by Texas Governor Rick Perry as he runs for the Republican Presidential nomination. Perry enjoyed great success ruling Texas with an iron fist on a simple platform of physical intimidation. Texans didn’t bat an eye when Perry signaled the […]
Scrabble Contestant Accused of Hiding G in His A
October 20, 2011
A missing letter ‘G’ during a World Scrabble Championships match resulted in accusations of cheating as the losing player demanded his opponent be strip-searched. Both players were asked to turn out their pockets but the missing tile was never found and officials refused to conduct the requested strip search. I’ve composed the following headlines to […]
Read my latest on the Huffington Post:
October 31, 2011
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