Your Summer Swimsuit Strategy

Posted on June 21, 2011

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Try swimming next to this woman to deflect attention from yourself.

Summer has arrived for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere.  For you Southern Hemispherians, I hope you’re enjoying winter as well as a respite from the full effects of the ozone hole we sent your way.  (Have you been to Australia?  It’s like they have three suns down there.  You can get sunburned while walking from your house to your car.)

After a long winter and spring you finally get outdoors and enjoy the sunshine until a neighbor approaches and invites your family to a pool party, and you remember, uh-oh, it’s swimsuit season again.

Years ago you could really rock a swimsuit, but now you go nine months at a time without looking at your pale, bloated body.  You’re not even sure what it looks like under there.  Every first day of summer you perform the same ritual of trying on a swimsuit and moments before opening your eyes to survey the damage you think, maybe I somehow got in better shape during the winter, even though I never exercised and ate cookie dough every day.  But you’re always disappointed.

Whether you have to take the kids swimming or you’re taking a vacation at the beach, you need some strategies to deflect attention from your less than stellar beach body.

Try humor to defuse the situation:

The striptease: Reveal your swimsuit by suggestively removing your shirt and pants, twirling them over your head, and throwing them to other swimmers while singing, “Buh, buh, buh, buh, bum. Bum, bum, bum, bum.”

If the pool party is accompanying a BBQ, try setting your casserole on the potluck table and then saying, “Did I mention I also brought some Jello?” then remove your shirt, slap your stomach, and watch it jiggle.  (This also works on thighs.  Get creative!  Have fun with it.)

If there are any good looking teenagers, pull off your shirt and say, “Hey kids, want to see a time machine mirror?”

If you’re worried about unsightly stretch marks, try saying, “I guess I should stretch out before getting in the pool.  Uh-oh, I think I overdid it!  Look what I just did to my stomach/legs.”

“Was it alright that I invited our German neighbors, Heinz and Birgit?”  Point to your hind quarters and your beer gut.  “Get it?  Hind and beer gut.  Why aren’t you laughing?  You don’t think that’s funny?  Well, I don’t think this is a very good party.  And I peed in your pool.”

“I hope everybody believes it’s what’s inside that counts.  Although to be honest, I have severe heart disease so my insides are also well below average.”

If humor isn’t your thing, here are a couple of innovations you might find useful:

Try wearing a nude swimsuit.  This is a flesh-colored suit with naked parts printed on the outside.  People will be so distracted with your suggestive suit, they won’t notice the parts of you that are actually exposed.

Try wearing a reflective metallic swimsuit that will blind all who look at you.

If you actually look good in a swimsuit, no jokes are necessary.  As a matter of fact your presence at this pool party isn’t necessary.  Please go home.  You’re not welcome here.

Posted in: Advice, Columns