Sunday Casserole

Posted on May 22, 2011

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Ocean half full or ocean half empty?

When I learned global warming would cause ocean levels to rise six feet I got pretty scared.  But I decided to look on the bright side and bought soon-to-be beachfront property at six feet above sea level.  In 20 to 100 years I’m going to be gob-smackingly rich!

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This is your last chance to vote in this week’s caption contest.  The winner will be announced at 10PM EST.  Voting in the caption contest may be remembered as the highlight of your weekend, especially if you had zero social invitations and don’t own a TV.

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This afternoon my 7-year-old, the Fonz, told me there was a man in the trash.  I thought he was trying to say someone was in our yard rummaging through the trash bins, but he led me to the trash can in the kitchen.

He tried to convince me he had thrown away a person, but his story began to unravel when I asked him the name of this person, and he didn’t have an answer.  Some people would applaud The Fonz’s creativity, but instead I had him take out the trash.  If I complimented him he may get the idea throwing away people is okay.

His mom bought him new shoes today.  These shoes in the trash were the ones she insisted he needed just a few months ago.  She says kids outgrow shoes, but I wonder why she bought him those old shoes if she knew he was just going to outgrow them.  Is this normal for kids to outgrow shoes?  Sounds like a marketing ploy by shoe companies to make us buy new shoes four times a year.

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I bought a new printer this week, and the very first thing I printed was a picture of the old shattered printer that I had  thrown out the window.  When researching a new printer I checked Consumer Reports for air resistance and throwability but found nothing useful.

An expensive hobby, but still probably cheaper than golf.

I also sent a picture of the printer’s remains to my phone as a warning.  The phone seems to be in its last death throes, and I’m hoping to scare six more months of life into it.  My previous phone was a $40 cast-off from a friend which lasted 5 years.  My current phone cost $400, and I’m close to punching its ticket to electronics hell after only 18 months.  I’ve suffered numerous technological glitches this past week, despite my prediction that my other devices would shape up after I made an example out of the printer.  My wife says she’s not sure I can afford to break something every week.  We have to choose between throwing electronics and swimming lessons for the kids.

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I still haven’t been Raptured.  Or raptored.  Or ruptured.  I kind of feel my weekend was ruined because I had planned to start building a Lego ferris wheel with my son, but yesterday I didn’t see the point in starting if we were going to be Raptured any minute–plus, I can’t find 75% of the pieces since the last time we put it together.  I also confirmed my friend Shannon is still here on earth, although she left a party last night at 9:45 and took my friend Andrew with her–putting a serious damper on the rest of my evening–and I’m not sure that’s something a Rapture-caliber person would do.

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Wouldn’t it be fun to buy me an expensive gift?  I sure think so.

Posted in: Columns