Other bloggers had warned me Freshly Pressed fame was a fickle mistress, but I refused to believe she could ever leave me. In the midst of my one day rock star status my wife warned me to temper my expectations for the day after Freshly Pressed, and I shouted back with words that seemed less than poetic in retrospect, “The Paul Johnson success rocket has blasted off, baby, and ain’t never gonna run out of dream fuel! Next stop: Planet Fame and Fortune!”
Didn’t she know I already had tempered my expectations? When I reviewed my statistics and saw my views had gone up 4000% in a day, I knew it wouldn’t last, and that’s why I used a more conservative growth rate of only 3500% a day in predicting my site would be bigger than Facebook by the end of the week.
As my statistics fell back down to earth, and I realized I might have to settle for only being bigger than mySpace, I slowly realized I would owe apologies to people I had willfully alienated when I assumed I would be moving up into a classier stratosphere of associates and would no longer need my old friends and family. I would like to offer the following apologies:
1. I apologize to my friend Todd for calling him an “attention hog” for getting a phone call notifying him of his parents’ divorce during my Freshly Pressed banquet.
2. I apologize to my parents for accusing them of being too supportive, and insisting I would have been a success a decade earlier if they would have rejected my poorly written birthday cards as a child like that Tiger Mom everybody hates.
3. I apologize to my wife for leaving a message on my high school girlfriend’s voice mail, telling her she made a big mistake because I was a huge success now, then crying, then saying the crying was a joke, then crying some more, then saying how much I can bench press, then crying some more just as the voice mail ran out of space.
4. I apologize to my children for hiring stylists to help them obtain a level of attractiveness befitting my fame and for describing them as “gargoyle ugly”.
5. I apologize to my mom for trivializing her contributions to my life by equating the pain of childbirth to the soreness in my legs the morning after my all-night Freshly Pressed dance party.
6. I apologize to Paul McCartney for calling myself the most famous Paul alive and describing his contributions to culture as “perfunctory”.
Second Most Famous Paul.
7. I apologize to the word “perfunctory” for using it so often without knowing its meaning.
8. I apologize to Shakespeare for sending him a taunting Tweet calling myself the new, funnier, and more handsome Shakespeare.
9. I apologize to my high school English teachers for not knowing Shakespeare is dead, and has been for at least twenty years. Not sure who I’ve been exchanging Tweets with, but his terrible punctuation, incorrect spelling of his name Sh8kes-Pierre, and being alive probably should have tipped me off sooner.
10. I apologize to my wife for suggesting that taking my last name, Johnson, was insufficient, but that she should also take my first name, Paul.
If I owe you an apology, please explain the reasons in the comments section below.
The Good Greatsby 
bridgesburning
April 12, 2011
Oh my poor deluded hero, me having never been pressed. You just didn’t realize that you came up ONE rung on the ladder – NOT the whole ladder but now you have the increased readership to help boost you up the rest!
Chris
The Good Greatsby
April 12, 2011
How many rungs total are there? I’m not sure if I have the energy for climbing any more than two rungs.
carldagostino
April 12, 2011
I like # 3. With 400,000 wordpress bloggers it is quite an accomplishment. There may be a drawback. One blogger I follow was pressed and she is determined to answer every comment. She does 100 a day. She started in 1927.
The Good Greatsby
April 12, 2011
I am trying to answer every comment or go to every blog, but it’s taking some time.
Marie
November 24, 2011
really, wordpress wasn’t even around back then…
fnkybee
April 12, 2011
Congrats on being freshly pressed the other day! I enjoyed that post! Isn’t it fun to have the day of fame?!? I had it back in September and it was a whirl wind. I had just started my blog and had like 20 views a day and then it went up to 1,900 views in one day. I was floored. The comments were a mix of people agreeing with me, tearing me a new ass, being nice, being mean etc. I was a little bit of a emotional mess by the end of the day because I was not expecting it. 😉 Bask in the fame…absorb it, live it, love it. I am getting you some pimp bling.
The Good Greatsby
April 12, 2011
I’m looking forward to the bling. If you’re buying me jewelry, let me know if you need my measurements.
madtante
April 12, 2011
“I might have to settle for only being bigger than mySpace”
hohoho!
The Good Greatsby
April 12, 2011
I guess being bigger than mySpace wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have a calendar in front of me as a reminder it’s not 2005.
madtante
April 12, 2011
I never “did” myspace btw. Considered myself too old. Turns out, old was the new hip.
mamamezzo
April 12, 2011
you owe me an apology for deepening my laugh lines and about $1000 for my next botox treatment. please be more careful next time. words can hurt.
The Good Greatsby
April 12, 2011
The list of people I’ve hurt just keeps getting longer. Why, oh why, did I answer the seductive siren call of fame?
beawesomer
April 12, 2011
You owe me an apology for not inviting me to the all-night Freshly Pressed Dance Party.
Instead, I spent the night sitting on the couch in my steam-ironed slacks, watching Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.
I must have looked like a total perfunctory.
The Good Greatsby
April 12, 2011
The dance party was fun, but a night watching Dr. Quinn sounds pretty good, too.
Gemma Sidney
April 12, 2011
You definitely owe me an apology, Paul. I’m so easily influenced – that’s one of my many problems, if I’m being candid – especially by heavy-hitters in WordPressland such as yourself. Like all good little plebs in blogland, I make sure I read all the Freshly Pressed articles each day. So impressed by your celebrity qualities, on a whim I subscribed to your blog. Now I have to see your face and name in my Inbox every single day. And I’m not even your wife! (God forbid)
I think it’s clear why you must now offer me your most sincere apologies. I’ll be waiting right here.
The Good Greatsby
April 12, 2011
If you’re as easily influenced as you say, might I suggest it’s you who owes me an apology for some reason?
Amy
April 12, 2011
Your public return to mediocrity is apology enough. Welcome back!
The Good Greatsby
April 12, 2011
I will do my best to fulfill your mediocre expectations.
ajg
April 12, 2011
Hilarious? Yes. But is this sarcasm?
I’d like to draw your readers’ attention to the events at your Freshly Pressed Banquet (The World Is ImPressed: The
GoodGreatest Greatsbiest) in which you threw your medallion emblazoned with your likeness beating up Alfred Nobel into the giant sheet cake made to look like your birth certificate, calling it “too cakey”.The Good Greatsby
April 12, 2011
I’ll make no apologies to those kids working in the bakery because I felt I was pretty clear in requesting the cake could not be “too cakey”.
ajg
April 13, 2011
True, I believe your words were, “Cakey, but not too cakey. And so help me god if the icing is too icingy I’m coming back here and squeezing you through a frosting bag! On the rose setting!”
Ironic Mom
April 12, 2011
I accept apologies willingly, even from strangers.
If you’re the new improved Shakespeare, you should change your will to leave your wife your “second best bed.” Nothing says Shall-I-compare-thee-to-a-summer’s-day like a piece of furniture.
I think you should apologize for that Search Bomb you sent me. Or didn’t send me.
The Good Greatsby
April 12, 2011
I did send you some Search Bombs on a couple different days, but I only left my name once. If you’re not sure how to tell which search terms came from me, I sent all the ones you thought were funny.
Emily Jane
April 12, 2011
Well I’m glad you were freshly pressed, because I’ve thoroughly enjoyed everything I’ve read and this was comedy gold. No apologies needed this way. Something interesting I’ve learned if you’re looking to spike traffic again is to entitle your posts in a manner that sounds like something absolutely terrible has happened to you, or like you have done something absolutely terrible to somebody else. My three highest traffic days came once last summer, when a homeless man’s snot-rocket landed in my mouth, once in November, when I wrote about how I got banned from the Catholic church, and once yesterday, when I wrote about how this was “the most difficult post I’d ever written”. Short story – even if the post-Freshly-Pressed high has worn off, you can recreate your own surge with insinuations of impending doom 🙂
The Good Greatsby
April 12, 2011
I’m definitely learning that the titles are often much more important than what’s underneath the title.
ryoko861
April 12, 2011
ROFLMAO! I actually had to go to dictionary.com to find out what perfunctory meant! I’m sure Paul M would have giggled at that statement. He may not even know what that word means!
The Good Greatsby
April 12, 2011
I also hope he’ll laugh. I tried to send my apology to him, but he’s no longer following me on Twitter.
Ahmnodt Heare
April 12, 2011
No need to apologize. It wasn’t your fault you were freshly pressed.
The Good Greatsby
April 12, 2011
Then I’ll reserve the apologies I had prepared for not using my brief fame to bring attention to your presidential campaign.
thelifeofjamie
April 12, 2011
only 10 apologies…that’s not so bad. I fully support the stylist for your children. You WILL be seen in public- they need to look good. Only the famous person is allowed to look like crap and then it is called “style.” If your children look like crap- you are just a bad parent.
The Good Greatsby
April 12, 2011
You’re exactly right. People will criticize why I look so good, but have spent no time whipping the kids into shape.
misswhiplash
April 12, 2011
I have changed my mind… I NEVER want to be Freshly Pressed… For a while now it is what I THINK that I have been aiming for, what I have always wanted, what I have longed for.
Now I am content to plod along from day to day in my own little literary world.
My husband will be a happier man now that he knows that my mere existence on this earth no longer depends on being FP’d.
Thank you for all those wonderful apologies. I am glad that you are on terra firma once again.
Love p
The Good Greatsby
April 12, 2011
To be honest, I do believe my existence on this earth has been justified by being Freshly Pressed, but maybe this is the result of a lack in ambition.
girlonthecontrary
April 12, 2011
When I was freshly pressed, I received a death threat. I think that means I’m way more famous than you, so you don’t own me any apologies. You should embrace the ugly side of fame- it makes the pretty side a LOT prettier.
The Good Greatsby
April 12, 2011
Thank you for encouraging me to embrace the ugly side of fame. All I needed was an excuse.
japecake
April 12, 2011
Greetings from the Old Bloggers’ home. We saved a bed for you, and just in time–it’s Applesauce Day!
The Good Greatsby
April 12, 2011
I knew my old pal Japey would save a spot for me.
officeoddities
April 12, 2011
# 4 Describing your childeren as gargoyle ugly. That’s going to come back and bite you in their teen years.
The Good Greatsby
April 12, 2011
Maybe even literally–you should see their jagged, gargoyle teeth!
robburns
April 12, 2011
I was preparing to stalk you. Now my life is devoid of focus. And I have a superlong telephoto lens I must now sell on ebay. Thanks a bunch.
The Good Greatsby
April 13, 2011
Sorry to disappoint you. I hope you find someone else worth stalking.
sportsjim81
April 12, 2011
As a fellow ridiculously good looking, popular, wordsmith; I feel that you do not owe me an apology. Simply a nod of the head acknowledging both our mutual respect for one another as well as our supreme level of awesomeness will suffice.
Lenore Diane
April 12, 2011
Wait. You were Freshly Pressed? Really? Wow. Let me extend an apology to you. I apologize for being so consumed with my own personal awesomeness that I failed to see someone else might be as awesome. Have I been Freshly Pressed? No. But, I did find an extra french fry in my bag the other day.
I had to MerriamWebster ‘perfunctory’. *yawn* I was not enthused.
Renee Davies
April 12, 2011
Hahaha at #3. Let’s hope you get Freshly Pressed again soon so you can stop apologizing and start insulting again 🙂
The Good Greatsby
April 13, 2011
I’ll do my best.
spilledinkguy
April 13, 2011
It sure looks like you are still doing well for yourself, G.G. – (and deservedly so)!
You are very modest for someone who pretends to be so… immodest.
🙂
The Good Greatsby
April 13, 2011
Don’t tip other people off to my plan.
modestypress
April 13, 2011
I regret to tell you that “Freshly Pressed” is so yesterday. The really hip place to be is Staleee Wrinkled. You never heard of it? I’m not surprised. You probably never heard of “Off Broadway” either.
The Good Greatsby
April 13, 2011
I sure hope Stalee Wrinkled is still hip when I get there.
Rachael Black
April 13, 2011
When I grow up I’m going to be Freshly Pressed and legally change my daughter’s name to Paul. Sure, she’s have to make new friends. All with the names
John, George and Ringo but that shouldn’t be too difficult, Except maybe the Ringo part.
she’ll thank me. She’ll surely worship you.
Just to make sure she’ll know who her benefactor is I’ll send her your home address and phone number.
You can thank me later.
The Good Greatsby
April 13, 2011
All my life I’ve searched for a friend named Ringo. You’d think there would be a few more.
cooper
April 13, 2011
And here i missed the whole event. I was too busy scraping mucilage off pre-pasted envelopes…
paulbeforeswine
April 13, 2011
Oh you definitely owe ME an apology. After all that hard work paid off via Freshly Freshed — something other Pauls still strive to achieve — you have the audacity to APOLOGIZE?
No. No, my fellow Paul. No Paul should ever apologize for being better than everyone else. Now you go out and write a retraction!
The Good Greatsby
April 13, 2011
I’d apologize to you for my audacity in apologizing, but I know that wouldn’t help.
berettaluvz26
April 13, 2011
I definitely think I deserve an apology. See, before you were Freshly Pressed, I had no idea this blog even existed. Then I clicked on that inviting link, and I modeled my life after yours because obviously, you’re the greatest thing ever. All was going well until I got arrested– by Officer Smith.
I. Am. Fucked.
Sandi
April 13, 2011
Well, you can start off by apologizing that you got freshly pressed before I and you can make this up continually visiting my site, telling everyone how fantastic I am…yeah, that should suffice.
Sandi
http://www.ahhsome.wordpress.com
lifeintheboomerlane
April 13, 2011
At least you didn’t legally rename your children Paul. That’s something.
The Good Greatsby
April 13, 2011
Actually both of my sons were already named Paul, and both have the middle name Paul, so there was no need to rename them.
Tien
April 13, 2011
You should apologise to me now for causing me pain in the jaw for laughing too much. And perhaps for the embarassment of laughing out loud in the office while reading it thus causing my office mates to throw me strange looks.
P.S. LOL!!!
The Good Greatsby
April 13, 2011
I apologize if you’ve lost the respect of any co-workers and your promotion prospects are in doubt. Your only hope is to forward my site to all your co-workers and hope they put themselves in the same situation.
laurenrantnrave
April 13, 2011
This was truly hysterical. I was giggling pretty hard when I read it. Much needed, thanks for spreading the laughter!
omawarisan
April 13, 2011
I would like an apology for my scorched retinas. There was no warning as to the brightness of the fireball your freshly pressed self had become. As a result, I looked upon your blog directly and burned out my rods & cones. Letting us know that we should read the blog only through a paper plate wtih a hole in the center would have been more than reasonable.
The Good Greatsby
April 13, 2011
I would apologize, but I assume your blindness will prevent you from reading this.
omawarisan
April 13, 2011
What?
The Good Greatsby
April 13, 2011
Blindness because your retinas were scorched, right?
Girly
April 13, 2011
I feel it’s us who should apologize to you… well actually it’s really them who should I apologize to you.
…
And can I tell you, I’m really struggling to comprehend the genius of a mind that comes up with #3… that is f#%&ing awesome.
Girly
April 13, 2011
I me apologize to you I because apparantly I can’t comment without making typing or grammatical errors… I quit blogging.
Kim
April 13, 2011
If it makes you feel any better, my husband told me last night that I could never make it as a writer because I wouldn’t come to bed…. went to bed and apparently I’m still not a “writer” *sigh*
Spectra
April 13, 2011
A-hem. Yes. I do believe you owe me an apology. When I self-righteously informed you that your new found fame had merely elevated your efforts to “commercial” crap, and then kindly explained that my ultimate coolness depended on never ‘following’ the crowd…I went searching for a new ‘undiscovered’ place to hang out and be seen while resenting being seen.
Appears my instincts were way off. After two nights alone down at my corner mini-mart/gas station sipping burnt coffee through stir-stix in my finest lame’ pantsuit, seems the only ones who noticed me were the Indian guys who fill your gas tanks (they asked if I would bake them meatless lasagna) and the big drunk guy in the belly shirt who sneered at me and said “Move, bioch!” then shoved me aside at the counter to pay for his biker porn mag. It was humiliating and gave me the temporary sensation that maybe there is no other place than right here to go to feel cool.
marryin'thelibrarian
April 13, 2011
Might I suggest, Spectra, donning a pair of Elvis Costello glasses when you are offline. That seems to help Greatsby.
The Good Greatsby
April 14, 2011
Glad to see you back, but sorry it came at the expense of two nights of humiliation for you.
Binky
April 13, 2011
No matter how unpopular you really are, you’ll always be big Paul to me. At least until I find some one more famous to stalk.
thelamest(dot)com
April 13, 2011
It’s so easy to feel “so hawt right now” then the next day you are back to working in the mines getting black lung.
Fickle business this life caper.
Invisible Mikey
April 13, 2011
Yes, it’s lonely at the top. And at the bottom. And too near the top or the bottom. Welcome back to the upper-middle, with a decent water view at the side.
The Good Greatsby
April 13, 2011
The view’s just fine from here.
monicastangledweb
April 13, 2011
You need to apologize to me for making me feel all achy breaky sad for you and then realizing, based on the number of comments left here, you’re still doing rather well. You still have the freshly pressed aura hovering over you. So, apology accepted. I forgive you.
The Good Greatsby
April 14, 2011
I didn’t mean for anyone to feel bad for me. I’m fine with my view statistics. I meant the post to be a tongue-in-cheek disappointment because I’m not bigger than Facebook.
Sister Earth Organics
April 13, 2011
MML (my own txt code for “made me laugh”….not out loud, though)
The Good Greatsby
April 14, 2011
Did you rate the post as MML because you never LOL, or are you saying my post qualified as a step below LOL?
frigginloon
April 13, 2011
WordPress give then taketh away. One day you’re freshly pressed the next you’re a dry flower arrangement 😦
shreejacob
April 13, 2011
HAHA! Love.
Especially the Shakespeare one!!
lynnbiederstadt
April 13, 2011
Paul, I want to be you in my next life. Please? Who’s Chief of Karma in your neck of the woods?
-Cheers, Lynn
marryin'thelibrarian
April 16, 2011
If “Chief of Karma” title is up for grabs, I’d like to apply. Does the position involve decision making, pointing at people, and shushing? Because if it does, oh boy am I qualified!
Tony McGurk
April 14, 2011
Oh highly favoured one!!! What I wouldn’t give to be freshly pressed. I always tick the “This Post Is Awesome” box but alas my meagre little blog never gets the recognition that I desire so badly. Having to apologise for fame really sucks though…
oldancestor
April 14, 2011
I hate to admit it, but you are a funny man.
The reason I hate to admit it has nothing to do with ego but the fact that a mastermind, yet insane, criminal has a cartoonifier gun to my head. Earlier he told me, “The next time you read a funny blog and admit it, you’re a cartoon.”
Normally, I’d just lie and say your stuff was “meh,” for the purposes of saving myself from being turned into a two dimensional drawing. But the evil mastermind also tricked me into taking a truth pill a little while ago.
How do I always get in predicaments like this?
The Good Greatsby
April 14, 2011
You should feel flattered that any criminal mastermind has taken such an interest in you. You must be doing something right if the mastermind considers you a threat.
educlaytion
April 14, 2011
I’m cracking up man and I should be going to sleep. Day job and all because, like you, my time in the Freshly Pressed sun failed to yield the independent wealth I expected.
#3 is the funniest thing I’ve seen all day. Of course it’s only 17 minutes past midnight so you may face challenges later. The Shakespeare point is pretty swell too. You’re a good kid Charlie Brown. Peace off.
Val Erde
April 23, 2011
Congrats on having been freshly pressed. Me, I’m scared of it ever happening ‘cos I reckon that the next day I’d be stalely released.
Tyler
June 25, 2011
i read this and don’t want to waste a comment because i actually read the whole thing and didn’t just skim so i could comment in hopes that someone, somewhere might love me. so, in an effort not to see like i’m trying to be wittier or whiter than you because your number 10 was a 10, i’ll leave a standard spam comment.
the contents of this post were helpful and enjoyable, i hope to connect on a further level in the future like biff tannen.
Butterfingers for Breakfast
September 24, 2011
Couldn’t stop laughing on this one!! Hilarious! Love the name of your blog as well 🙂
Nezza@Hella Sydney
November 27, 2011
You owe my boyfriend an apology for me attempting to dress him in a jacket similar to your smart looking one.
lifeloveandbaby
November 28, 2011
I would like an apology – just because you’re on a roll!
kitkatlikereflexes
December 1, 2011
These are freakin hilarious! Especially #9. HAHAHAHA!!!