February 28, 2011
Someday I’ll have my revenge. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But maybe two days from now at 9:15. You may be wondering AM or PM? I’m not saying, so you’ll have to sweat it out. Although I’ll give you one hint: It will be after American Idol. After I watch American Idol and walk […]
February 27, 2011
My wife thinks I take too long picking a shirt in the morning…but in the movies, when someone dies, his ghost is stuck wearing those same clothes for eternity.
February 26, 2011
When I was a kid I swore I would never sell out… …but nobody ever asked me to. Not even once. Now I would give anything to have that chance. If you hear of any sell-out opportunities, let me know.
February 25, 2011
My wife asked me to shave my beard because she claimed to have sensitive skin. I reminded her of the words of Dr. Martin Luther King: “He who has sensitive skin is also sensitive about his neighbor’s skin.” She replied that Martin Luther King couldn’t have said this, so she went to look it up […]
February 24, 2011
I eat blueberries every day and I am better off for it… –Larry King For years Larry King has been mocked and parodied for his unique don’t-learn-anything-about-the-guest interviewing style and his laundry list columns, a rambling catalog of non-sequiturs, name-dropping, plugs, and shamefully obvious observations: I’d buy Britney Spears’ new album, but the store was […]
February 23, 2011
Here’s an ad I recently posted on Craigslist: Samsung LA32C350D1 HD TV for sale! Do you like watching television? Then why not watch television on your very own 32” Samsung HD TV? Use this TV for watching movies starring Ben Affleck! Or Matt Damon! Or maybe a movie starring both Ben Affleck and Matt Damon! […]
February 22, 2011
I had a tough childhood, mostly because my dad wasn’t around much. Oftentimes we wouldn’t see him until five or six o’clock in the evenings. And all day on Saturdays. Also, all day Sundays. And he was a teacher at our school, so we ate lunch with him at school, and he had the summers […]